Reply to Prostate Surgery Relationship Impact

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Guy here.  We are in the same situation.  We have discussed what would happen or what we would want for the other if something were to happen that impeded our physical abilities or death.

I would do everything I could, but if it was clear I was unable to provide that type of pleasure,  I would encourage her to find a lover.   I would not want to know about it or be involved in anyway. That would crush me.  But her having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn’t take that away.

We have never shared, had a desire to.  [/quote]

My husband and I have a really strong sexual relationship. He is in his early 50s and the equipment is not working as well as it used to. There are times when he struggles to maintain. I do the best I can to help without making it obvious, and we are making it work. Desire is not an issue at this time. If he was no longer able to perform at all, I would not want a lover. I would want my husband back. It seems like you do not see it that way, but fwiw, if my husband told me to find a lover because he wasn't able to perform sexually, I would feel hurt. I would feel rejected.

OP's situation doesn't really sound like it's got much in common with either of us.[/quote]

DP.  Seems like a good back-n-forth between you and the PP.  lots of perspectives here; hopefully some of it is useful to OP.

But I have to conclude at this point:  the idea of OP “outsourcing” is a dead end.

Look, we’ve had people suggest “opening the marriage” and then others suggesting she take an AP behind DH’s back, then still another suggestion she take it from an escort right in from of DH, so he would see her getting fulfilled.

But OP has not responded, other than saying she’s not wired that way.  Again, it’s obviously a dead end and not helpful.

OP:  what does seem promising are the comparisons to aging, and the loss of intimacy which absolutely will - in every case - occur in every marriage over time. No one in their 90s is “doing it.” Very few in their 80s still are.  Married couples’ sex lives die off before the people do. Not pleasant to think about, but that’s life.

Difference is the DH in this case had his sexual ability cut out of him by the surgeons scalpel ina few hours, as opposed to gradual decline over many years.  That’s rough.  And his ability to ejaculate is gone forever;  that’s also got to be incredibly difficult to accept.

OP: could you maybe approach this from the perspective of aging?  Maybe there are books or podcasts or some kind of help for adapting your sex life to this new change, and still finding ways for it to be mutually satisfying ?   Sending you both hope and good thoughts in this.[/quote]

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