Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We are in the same situation. We have discussed what would happen or what we would want for the other if something were to happen that impeded our physical abilities or death.

I would do everything I could, but if it was clear I was unable to provide that type of pleasure, I would encourage her to find a lover. I would not want to know about it or be involved in anyway. That would crush me. But her having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn’t take that away.

We have never shared, had a desire to.

My husband and I have a really strong sexual relationship. He is in his early 50s and the equipment is not working as well as it used to. There are times when he struggles to maintain. I do the best I can to help without making it obvious, and we are making it work. Desire is not an issue at this time. If he was no longer able to perform at all, I would not want a lover. I would want my husband back. It seems like you do not see it that way, but fwiw, if my husband told me to find a lover because he wasn't able to perform sexually, I would feel hurt. I would feel rejected.

OP's situation doesn't really sound like it's got much in common with either of us.

PP here I think this is why it is important to have these discussions beforehand and not during or after a situation that would impact intimacy. Then there is a foundational understanding of where my thought process is and allows her to express her feelings or ask questions on an ongoing as needed basis or feelings and emotions change.

I completely understand the feeling rejected part. I look at intimacy as more than PIV. I would never not pursue or deny my wife intimacy.

This isn’t something I would make her do , push on her or request of her. As I stated originally I have let her know my feelings and specifically said I wouldn’t want to know anything about it. What she does would be up to her. I would want her to be satisfied in that way without any guilt. No reason she should ever be denied that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We are in the same situation. We have discussed what would happen or what we would want for the other if something were to happen that impeded our physical abilities or death.

I would do everything I could, but if it was clear I was unable to provide that type of pleasure, I would encourage her to find a lover. I would not want to know about it or be involved in anyway. That would crush me. But her having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn’t take that away.

We have never shared, had a desire to.

My husband and I have a really strong sexual relationship. He is in his early 50s and the equipment is not working as well as it used to. There are times when he struggles to maintain. I do the best I can to help without making it obvious, and we are making it work. Desire is not an issue at this time. If he was no longer able to perform at all, I would not want a lover. I would want my husband back. It seems like you do not see it that way, but fwiw, if my husband told me to find a lover because he wasn't able to perform sexually, I would feel hurt. I would feel rejected.

OP's situation doesn't really sound like it's got much in common with either of us.

DP. Seems like a good back-n-forth between you and the PP. lots of perspectives here; hopefully some of it is useful to OP.

But I have to conclude at this point: the idea of OP “outsourcing” is a dead end.

Look, we’ve had people suggest “opening the marriage” and then others suggesting she take an AP behind DH’s back, then still another suggestion she take it from an escort right in from of DH, so he would see her getting fulfilled.

But OP has not responded, other than saying she’s not wired that way. Again, it’s obviously a dead end and not helpful.

OP: what does seem promising are the comparisons to aging, and the loss of intimacy which absolutely will - in every case - occur in every marriage over time. No one in their 90s is “doing it.” Very few in their 80s still are. Married couples’ sex lives die off before the people do. Not pleasant to think about, but that’s life.

Difference is the DH in this case had his sexual ability cut out of him by the surgeons scalpel ina few hours, as opposed to gradual decline over many years. That’s rough. And his ability to ejaculate is gone forever; that’s also got to be incredibly difficult to accept.

OP: could you maybe approach this from the perspective of aging? Maybe there are books or podcasts or some kind of help for adapting your sex life to this new change, and still finding ways for it to be mutually satisfying ? Sending you both hope and good thoughts in this.

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We are in the same situation. We have discussed what would happen or what we would want for the other if something were to happen that impeded our physical abilities or death.

I would do everything I could, but if it was clear I was unable to provide that type of pleasure, I would encourage her to find a lover. I would not want to know about it or be involved in anyway. That would crush me. But her having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn’t take that away.

We have never shared, had a desire to.

My husband and I have a really strong sexual relationship. He is in his early 50s and the equipment is not working as well as it used to. There are times when he struggles to maintain. I do the best I can to help without making it obvious, and we are making it work. Desire is not an issue at this time. If he was no longer able to perform at all, I would not want a lover. I would want my husband back. It seems like you do not see it that way, but fwiw, if my husband told me to find a lover because he wasn't able to perform sexually, I would feel hurt. I would feel rejected.

OP's situation doesn't really sound like it's got much in common with either of us.

Anonymous wrote:OP you are thinking correctly. In sickness and in health. Your thinking is healthy in that this is just PART of your life—a part that is over, but he may get back the need and desire for intimacy in other forms. You have other parts of your life that are rich and satisfying. Long term marriage is about dealing with loss and still going forward. You’re doing a great job.

Wow…way to tell someone to just accept being miserable and unsatisfied for the rest of their life.

I remember after we had our first child, I asked my husband what he would have done if he found out I couldn’t have kids. He said he would unfortunately need to leave the marriage and have kids with someone else. I wasn’t upset because I would have done exactly the same thing if it was him who couldn’t have kids. Some things in life are non negotiable. Especially things that have a direct and very negative effect on the other person and their future and their happiness and fulfillment.

OP you are thinking correctly. In sickness and in health. Your thinking is healthy in that this is just PART of your life—a part that is over, but he may get back the need and desire for intimacy in other forms. You have other parts of your life that are rich and satisfying. Long term marriage is about dealing with loss and still going forward. You’re doing a great job.

Like previous responses up-thread, I think depression is the place to start here, OP.

Problem is: this is not just garden-variety depression; any therapist out there thinks they can just take a crack at depression.

No, you need a specialist. Depression here seems solidly linked to DH’s sexual identity as a heterosexual man. Surgery interfered with that.

Working around this extremely specific depression would seem to call for a specialist.

Anyone know of someone in this area with specific experience here?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We are in the same situation. We have discussed what would happen or what we would want for the other if something were to happen that impeded our physical abilities or death.

I would do everything I could, but if it was clear I was unable to provide that type of pleasure, I would encourage her to find a lover. I would not want to know about it or be involved in anyway. That would crush me. But her having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn’t take that away.

We have never shared, had a desire to.

That sounds so adult. But wouldn’t you be worried she might fall in love with her lover? It doesn’t sound like OP is so interested in taking a lover and it certainly sounds like she cares about him as a human, she said best friend and they still have fun.

The situation is awful for both of them. I’m not sure adding another person to the mix would make either of them feel better, though.

I requested that the lover be someone younger that would ideally bi be looking to settle down or be in a committed relationship.

But in OP’s case, a lover won’t work.

First, she doesn’t want that. Second, feelings usually develop between the lover and/or OP, and she certainly doesn’t want to blow up her marriage. Third, her doing something behind DH’s back could destroy him emotionally / would be a betrayal.

It boils down to: OP wants to be sexually fulfilled again, and while her husband wants her to be happier, he isn’t able to fulfill her needs (physically) anymore.

OP: would you be open to discussing with DH if you and he (together) might try a “transactional” experience with a surrogate? Meaning: having a man fulfill your needs while DH is present in the room with you, but you would not develop feelings for the man? Not sure how you would find a surrogate. But maybe it could be a win-win situation for you both?

And what? Emasculate him even more. I don’t think this is feasible in any way and is quite frankly completely tone death. Plus what does the DH get out of this transaction? He has no desire so it’s not like he’s going to enjoy watching his wife get railed. Seems way more like a lose-lose situation to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We are in the same situation. We have discussed what would happen or what we would want for the other if something were to happen that impeded our physical abilities or death.

I would do everything I could, but if it was clear I was unable to provide that type of pleasure, I would encourage her to find a lover. I would not want to know about it or be involved in anyway. That would crush me. But her having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn’t take that away.

We have never shared, had a desire to.

That sounds so adult. But wouldn’t you be worried she might fall in love with her lover? It doesn’t sound like OP is so interested in taking a lover and it certainly sounds like she cares about him as a human, she said best friend and they still have fun.

The situation is awful for both of them. I’m not sure adding another person to the mix would make either of them feel better, though.

I requested that the lover be someone younger that would ideally bi be looking to settle down or be in a committed relationship.

But in OP’s case, a lover won’t work.

First, she doesn’t want that. Second, feelings usually develop between the lover and/or OP, and she certainly doesn’t want to blow up her marriage. Third, her doing something behind DH’s back could destroy him emotionally / would be a betrayal.

It boils down to: OP wants to be sexually fulfilled again, and while her husband wants her to be happier, he isn’t able to fulfill her needs (physically) anymore.

OP: would you be open to discussing with DH if you and he (together) might try a “transactional” experience with a surrogate? Meaning: having a man fulfill your needs while DH is present in the room with you, but you would not develop feelings for the man? Not sure how you would find a surrogate. But maybe it could be a win-win situation for you both?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We are in the same situation. We have discussed what would happen or what we would want for the other if something were to happen that impeded our physical abilities or death.

I would do everything I could, but if it was clear I was unable to provide that type of pleasure, I would encourage her to find a lover. I would not want to know about it or be involved in anyway. That would crush me. But her having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn’t take that away.

We have never shared, had a desire to.

That sounds so adult. But wouldn’t you be worried she might fall in love with her lover? It doesn’t sound like OP is so interested in taking a lover and it certainly sounds like she cares about him as a human, she said best friend and they still have fun.

The situation is awful for both of them. I’m not sure adding another person to the mix would make either of them feel better, though.

I requested that the lover be someone younger that would ideally bi be looking to settle down or be in a committed relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We are in the same situation. We have discussed what would happen or what we would want for the other if something were to happen that impeded our physical abilities or death.

I would do everything I could, but if it was clear I was unable to provide that type of pleasure, I would encourage her to find a lover. I would not want to know about it or be involved in anyway. That would crush me. But her having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn’t take that away.

We have never shared, had a desire to.

That sounds so adult. But wouldn’t you be worried she might fall in love with her lover? It doesn’t sound like OP is so interested in taking a lover and it certainly sounds like she cares about him as a human, she said best friend and they still have fun.

The situation is awful for both of them. I’m not sure adding another person to the mix would make either of them feel better, though.

DP.

Maybe there is another way?

OP said she is not wired that way, plus her and DH are staying together and trying to overcome this together. But what if OP and DH together could “outsource” the missing part with an escort? DH would be there the whole time together with OP, so it would still be an intimate experience between them, but the hired male would add the missing part of the experience?

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We are in the same situation. We have discussed what would happen or what we would want for the other if something were to happen that impeded our physical abilities or death.

I would do everything I could, but if it was clear I was unable to provide that type of pleasure, I would encourage her to find a lover. I would not want to know about it or be involved in anyway. That would crush me. But her having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn’t take that away.

We have never shared, had a desire to.

That sounds so adult. But wouldn’t you be worried she might fall in love with her lover? It doesn’t sound like OP is so interested in taking a lover and it certainly sounds like she cares about him as a human, she said best friend and they still have fun.

The situation is awful for both of them. I’m not sure adding another person to the mix would make either of them feel better, though.

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. We are in the same situation. We have discussed what would happen or what we would want for the other if something were to happen that impeded our physical abilities or death.

I would do everything I could, but if it was clear I was unable to provide that type of pleasure, I would encourage her to find a lover. I would not want to know about it or be involved in anyway. That would crush me. But her having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn’t take that away.

We have never shared, had a desire to.

Should have said we “aren’t” in same situation

Guy here. We are in the same situation. We have discussed what would happen or what we would want for the other if something were to happen that impeded our physical abilities or death.

I would do everything I could, but if it was clear I was unable to provide that type of pleasure, I would encourage her to find a lover. I would not want to know about it or be involved in anyway. That would crush me. But her having sex is the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn’t take that away.

We have never shared, had a desire to.

Anonymous wrote:DH has the same issue. Look into a hollow $trapon.

This is a worthwhile suggestion to at least consider trying out; it would at least give him back some of the sensations and experience of his pre-op ability down there. And it should be just as satisfying as before for you maybe even more so (although without the ejacu!ation, since that’s no longer possible for him). Worth a try.

Anonymous wrote:Since our teenage years whether intentional or not women have in not so subtle terms rated our sexual capabilities. Women have absolutely no issues nonchalantly saying that a man sucks I’m bed, that he has a small d**k, he can’t do this that etc…..So what do you expect when we start having erection and libido issues? And the selfishness of some women manifest itself in moments like this. Namely if the man can’t fulfill her sexual needs then what is she going to do ??

+1