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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hugs, OP. I feel the same but in a really different way. Same situation with autistic DS and DH, but DH is actually the one who would rather go out and do things than me! I'm much more of a homebody, and he and DS both prefer novel activities of any kind (they are both likely AuDHD, although we have not gotten a diagnosis for that part yet).

What I get frustrated about is that DH does want to do all of these things to "help me," which is super sweet, but then he also gets burnt out and overwhelmed and ends up acting like a jerk to the kids. This often results in the ASD kid also overreacting, and then they are both mad at each other and at everyone else. I honestly wish I had a situation where DH would back off and do less because he doesn't realize what he can and cannot do successfully without getting overstimulated. For years I have thought it would be easier if he just didn't want to be so involved - which is terrible but also true. Both all of us - him included - often end up miserable.[/quote]

NP and it’s really messed up, but I’ve cut DH out of so many things because of this. I feel a lot of hope for the younger generation of neurodiverse children because I can so clearly see that DH would have benefited from the kind of interventions and support that children with autism are offered now. DH doesn’t know his own limits and will insist he’s up to things that he’s not. He’ll fail at a task or become overwhelmed in a social situation. Then he doesn’t have the awareness to find a safe place to calm down or a way to take himself out of the situation, so he’ll lash out at the kids or pick a fight with me to get someone else to remove him from the situation. It was a coping mechanism he learned as a child and it doesn’t help him as an adult.

I really appreciate you, OP and all of the other PPs on this thread. In contrast to all of the attention and openness we give to our children with autism, I feel like DH’s autism is Top Secret and it’s the thing we tiptoe around at home and in public. It is indeed very lonely.[/quote]

Does your DH realize he is autistic? Is he open to considering it? Mine is actually very interested in the idea now that he has processed it himself and is taking a lot of steps to try to help himself with things he struggles with. There are lots of online tests that can help you assess if you might have it. I will say that symptoms got a little worse when he started looking into it because he sort of seemed to stop masking things or maybe was even trying out different things to see if they fit, but overall, it has been very good for our family that he is taking the diagnosis as a part of his identity and feels relieved by it.[/quote]

Yes, DH has been diagnosed with autism. He had basically a breakdown after Dd was born and was finally willing to go to a doctor. Because of a strong family history of dementia, his primary care doctor referred him for full testing. The result was ADHD (now medicated for it and has done therapy for it) and autism. When it suits him, DH says that the autism diagnosis is probably wrong. It is absolutely not wrong. At other times he will fall into self-pity and say that it would have helped to know the diagnosis growing up and no wonder x, y or z happened when he was a kid.

I think the tricky part with a diagnosis as an adult is that most adults aren’t interested or capable of replacing their maladaptive coping mechanisms with new behavior. For my husband it’s an excuse when convenient, and something he resents and blames me for when that’s not convenient. And let’s be honest: the care and concern we extend to children with autism today is not what adults with recent diagnosis get. There is a ton of stigma visible even on these boards even for the spouses of adults with autism (“didn’t you know?”/“it’s your fault for not noticing”/“what did you expect?”). The few friends I had the courage to talk to about it were really uncomfortable with the subject when I brought it up and eventually they pulled away. Now I say nothing- it’s more socially acceptable to say my DH is busy with work or exhausted and “not himself” during those times when he’s actually hiding at home or acts rude at a social event.[/quote]

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