Anonymous wrote:I do everything for the household and the kids. I don’t really mind doing it all. What makes me crazy is that I get no acknowledgment for doing it all… and worse, I am very often criticized for it. “Kids don’t need parties”. “Elf on the shelf is dumb”. “Most dads hate Christmas plays”. “If you didn’t buy all these presents, you wouldn’t have so much to wrap”. “You should plan better”. “You just need to stop scheduling things. You’re going overboard”. “A birthday party on Saturday AND a birthday dinner on the actual birthday on Tuesday? Just stop.” “You can’t even keep up with the laundry so why are you taking on extra responsibilities like volunteering at the school?” “Kids don’t need after-school activities” “Play dates aren’t important” “This new math curriculum is so dumb. I wouldn’t make them do this homework.”

Oh my gosh, this is at least borderline emotional abuse. Please get counseling, prob need individual and marriage counseling too.

I suspect that my husband is ASD as well. He would never admit it as he's a physician and prides himself on his diagnostic skills.
He's just become so unpleasant to be around over the past 5 years (he's currently 50). I suspect he was compensating for things for years but at some point just said "screw it." He's now so highly unpleasant on the weekends, works 12-15 hour days during that week, avoids any social gatherings. We have 3 kids and I do it all with regards to their social lives, school schedules, etc. it's exhausting and lonely,

Group hug. It’s hard.

I am so used to doing things without DH that I forgot why I don’t do things with him. I took one of the kids with him to see a movie today. This kid rarely goes to the movies and was so excited for a special outing. The wheels started to come off beforehand- it was a dark drive there, the parking garage was busy, and we had to share an elevator with people in the parking garage so DH had to be “on” sooner than he expected. By the time we got to the concession counter, he was tense and silently fuming because my DD had wanted to look at the poster displays first.

After the movie, he wouldn’t talk to either of us and was walking ahead of us at an increasingly faster pace, then snapped during bedtime and has now gone off to pull up his hood and sulk in front of a movie on TV.

Tomorrow’s outing will be just me and DD. I just wanted *one* fun family outing over break, and I feel like I got 40% of one and need to stop while I’m ahead.

Anonymous wrote:My 14 year old son was recently diagnosed as Asperger’s (high functioning ASD). After years and years of interventions for various issues the diagnosis made complete sense, sort of a finally we know what’s going on exhale. However, as I’ve researched how best to help/support DS I realize my DH is also an Aspie. Putting the ASD filter on his sometimes odd behaviors and maddening communication style makes everything crystal clear. I’d also bet my mother-in-law has the same thing. Holy crap I feel like an idiot - I’ve been married for 20 years!

+1

NP here. Same. Other PP who mentioned the critical ILs nailed it, too.

What are some good resources to help my DC deal with ASD? DC's friends are (nicely, thank God) starting to mention some pretty obvious social queues that DC is missing. We need help. Dh can't run from this forever.

My DH is not autistic but he and a DS have ADHD. They both can be inflexible, have high anxiety and be emotionally dysregulated. I take the kids to do things without DH all the time. His anxiety sucks the joy out of everything and I would prefer he not be there.

But, he can function by himself and he can take care of the kids when I’m on work travel so there’s that.

There should be widespread support groups for NT partners of ASD adults. With the enormous uptick in ASD diagnosis now, it’s bizarre how little support there is. Most support is centered around supporting children. We need ongoing structured support for coping with ASD 1 in adulthood. It has a profound effect on marriage and parenting and it’s a lifelong struggle.

Sort of like AA has Al-Anon family groups that meet regularly, there should be nationwide support for ASD adults and the adult children/family members who love them. We need a better understanding of this nervous system disorder and tools to support ASD adults while maintaining boundaries for other NT household members.

In marriages with an ASD husband and NT wife, it is very common for the wife to (unknowingly) become an enabler. To compensate for her husband’s underfunctioning, she begins over functioning. This leads to tremendous resentment. Over time, the NT wife becomes exhausted, depressed, lonely, and often physically ill. She needs structured support and tools for managing life with ASD that respects both partners. Similar dynamics happen with ASD/NT siblings and ASD/NT parent/child relationships.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. I feel the same but in a really different way. Same situation with autistic DS and DH, but DH is actually the one who would rather go out and do things than me! I'm much more of a homebody, and he and DS both prefer novel activities of any kind (they are both likely AuDHD, although we have not gotten a diagnosis for that part yet).

What I get frustrated about is that DH does want to do all of these things to "help me," which is super sweet, but then he also gets burnt out and overwhelmed and ends up acting like a jerk to the kids. This often results in the ASD kid also overreacting, and then they are both mad at each other and at everyone else. I honestly wish I had a situation where DH would back off and do less because he doesn't realize what he can and cannot do successfully without getting overstimulated. For years I have thought it would be easier if he just didn't want to be so involved - which is terrible but also true. Both all of us - him included - often end up miserable.

NP and it’s really messed up, but I’ve cut DH out of so many things because of this. I feel a lot of hope for the younger generation of neurodiverse children because I can so clearly see that DH would have benefited from the kind of interventions and support that children with autism are offered now. DH doesn’t know his own limits and will insist he’s up to things that he’s not. He’ll fail at a task or become overwhelmed in a social situation. Then he doesn’t have the awareness to find a safe place to calm down or a way to take himself out of the situation, so he’ll lash out at the kids or pick a fight with me to get someone else to remove him from the situation. It was a coping mechanism he learned as a child and it doesn’t help him as an adult.

I really appreciate you, OP and all of the other PPs on this thread. In contrast to all of the attention and openness we give to our children with autism, I feel like DH’s autism is Top Secret and it’s the thing we tiptoe around at home and in public. It is indeed very lonely.

Does your DH realize he is autistic? Is he open to considering it? Mine is actually very interested in the idea now that he has processed it himself and is taking a lot of steps to try to help himself with things he struggles with. There are lots of online tests that can help you assess if you might have it. I will say that symptoms got a little worse when he started looking into it because he sort of seemed to stop masking things or maybe was even trying out different things to see if they fit, but overall, it has been very good for our family that he is taking the diagnosis as a part of his identity and feels relieved by it.

Yes, DH has been diagnosed with autism. He had basically a breakdown after Dd was born and was finally willing to go to a doctor. Because of a strong family history of dementia, his primary care doctor referred him for full testing. The result was ADHD (now medicated for it and has done therapy for it) and autism. When it suits him, DH says that the autism diagnosis is probably wrong. It is absolutely not wrong. At other times he will fall into self-pity and say that it would have helped to know the diagnosis growing up and no wonder x, y or z happened when he was a kid.

I think the tricky part with a diagnosis as an adult is that most adults aren’t interested or capable of replacing their maladaptive coping mechanisms with new behavior. For my husband it’s an excuse when convenient, and something he resents and blames me for when that’s not convenient. And let’s be honest: the care and concern we extend to children with autism today is not what adults with recent diagnosis get. There is a ton of stigma visible even on these boards even for the spouses of adults with autism (“didn’t you know?”/“it’s your fault for not noticing”/“what did you expect?”). The few friends I had the courage to talk to about it were really uncomfortable with the subject when I brought it up and eventually they pulled away. Now I say nothing- it’s more socially acceptable to say my DH is busy with work or exhausted and “not himself” during those times when he’s actually hiding at home or acts rude at a social event.

I'm sorry you were treated like this! With parents of ASD kids, I have found a lot of empathy and understanding about spouses who also have it - since many of us are in that situation. I hope you can find a group that can understand and cope with it better than the friends you had before did. It is a hard life, and you deserve others to support you!

This is so interesting. I don’t think my dh would ever accept an ASD diagnosis. I finally figured it out after 25 years of marriage! (His mother likely is also). Dh is very smart and has probably masked his entire life
I am trying to divorce now that kids are adult. But it’s not easy. He literally will not communicate with me. I have been unhappy for years but never would have left him to have much say in raising the kids. At least he mostly eventually agreed to things I wanted for them. And they would have been miserable being forced to be with him on weekends or every Wednesday evening!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. I feel the same but in a really different way. Same situation with autistic DS and DH, but DH is actually the one who would rather go out and do things than me! I'm much more of a homebody, and he and DS both prefer novel activities of any kind (they are both likely AuDHD, although we have not gotten a diagnosis for that part yet).

What I get frustrated about is that DH does want to do all of these things to "help me," which is super sweet, but then he also gets burnt out and overwhelmed and ends up acting like a jerk to the kids. This often results in the ASD kid also overreacting, and then they are both mad at each other and at everyone else. I honestly wish I had a situation where DH would back off and do less because he doesn't realize what he can and cannot do successfully without getting overstimulated. For years I have thought it would be easier if he just didn't want to be so involved - which is terrible but also true. Both all of us - him included - often end up miserable.

NP and it’s really messed up, but I’ve cut DH out of so many things because of this. I feel a lot of hope for the younger generation of neurodiverse children because I can so clearly see that DH would have benefited from the kind of interventions and support that children with autism are offered now. DH doesn’t know his own limits and will insist he’s up to things that he’s not. He’ll fail at a task or become overwhelmed in a social situation. Then he doesn’t have the awareness to find a safe place to calm down or a way to take himself out of the situation, so he’ll lash out at the kids or pick a fight with me to get someone else to remove him from the situation. It was a coping mechanism he learned as a child and it doesn’t help him as an adult.

I really appreciate you, OP and all of the other PPs on this thread. In contrast to all of the attention and openness we give to our children with autism, I feel like DH’s autism is Top Secret and it’s the thing we tiptoe around at home and in public. It is indeed very lonely.

Does your DH realize he is autistic? Is he open to considering it? Mine is actually very interested in the idea now that he has processed it himself and is taking a lot of steps to try to help himself with things he struggles with. There are lots of online tests that can help you assess if you might have it. I will say that symptoms got a little worse when he started looking into it because he sort of seemed to stop masking things or maybe was even trying out different things to see if they fit, but overall, it has been very good for our family that he is taking the diagnosis as a part of his identity and feels relieved by it.

Yes, DH has been diagnosed with autism. He had basically a breakdown after Dd was born and was finally willing to go to a doctor. Because of a strong family history of dementia, his primary care doctor referred him for full testing. The result was ADHD (now medicated for it and has done therapy for it) and autism. When it suits him, DH says that the autism diagnosis is probably wrong. It is absolutely not wrong. At other times he will fall into self-pity and say that it would have helped to know the diagnosis growing up and no wonder x, y or z happened when he was a kid.

I think the tricky part with a diagnosis as an adult is that most adults aren’t interested or capable of replacing their maladaptive coping mechanisms with new behavior. For my husband it’s an excuse when convenient, and something he resents and blames me for when that’s not convenient. And let’s be honest: the care and concern we extend to children with autism today is not what adults with recent diagnosis get. There is a ton of stigma visible even on these boards even for the spouses of adults with autism (“didn’t you know?”/“it’s your fault for not noticing”/“what did you expect?”). The few friends I had the courage to talk to about it were really uncomfortable with the subject when I brought it up and eventually they pulled away. Now I say nothing- it’s more socially acceptable to say my DH is busy with work or exhausted and “not himself” during those times when he’s actually hiding at home or acts rude at a social event.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. I feel the same but in a really different way. Same situation with autistic DS and DH, but DH is actually the one who would rather go out and do things than me! I'm much more of a homebody, and he and DS both prefer novel activities of any kind (they are both likely AuDHD, although we have not gotten a diagnosis for that part yet).

What I get frustrated about is that DH does want to do all of these things to "help me," which is super sweet, but then he also gets burnt out and overwhelmed and ends up acting like a jerk to the kids. This often results in the ASD kid also overreacting, and then they are both mad at each other and at everyone else. I honestly wish I had a situation where DH would back off and do less because he doesn't realize what he can and cannot do successfully without getting overstimulated. For years I have thought it would be easier if he just didn't want to be so involved - which is terrible but also true. Both all of us - him included - often end up miserable.

NP and it’s really messed up, but I’ve cut DH out of so many things because of this. I feel a lot of hope for the younger generation of neurodiverse children because I can so clearly see that DH would have benefited from the kind of interventions and support that children with autism are offered now. DH doesn’t know his own limits and will insist he’s up to things that he’s not. He’ll fail at a task or become overwhelmed in a social situation. Then he doesn’t have the awareness to find a safe place to calm down or a way to take himself out of the situation, so he’ll lash out at the kids or pick a fight with me to get someone else to remove him from the situation. It was a coping mechanism he learned as a child and it doesn’t help him as an adult.

I really appreciate you, OP and all of the other PPs on this thread. In contrast to all of the attention and openness we give to our children with autism, I feel like DH’s autism is Top Secret and it’s the thing we tiptoe around at home and in public. It is indeed very lonely.

Does your DH realize he is autistic? Is he open to considering it? Mine is actually very interested in the idea now that he has processed it himself and is taking a lot of steps to try to help himself with things he struggles with. There are lots of online tests that can help you assess if you might have it. I will say that symptoms got a little worse when he started looking into it because he sort of seemed to stop masking things or maybe was even trying out different things to see if they fit, but overall, it has been very good for our family that he is taking the diagnosis as a part of his identity and feels relieved by it.

Anonymous wrote:My 14 year old son was recently diagnosed as Asperger’s (high functioning ASD). After years and years of interventions for various issues the diagnosis made complete sense, sort of a finally we know what’s going on exhale. However, as I’ve researched how best to help/support DS I realize my DH is also an Aspie. Putting the ASD filter on his sometimes odd behaviors and maddening communication style makes everything crystal clear. I’d also bet my mother-in-law has the same thing. Holy crap I feel like an idiot - I’ve been married for 20 years!

Don't feel bad - I am in the same situation. It took me a while to really come to terms with the fact that my DS's traits actually are autism. He does not outwardly appear autistic in the stereotypical sense, and when I was certain he had autism as a toddler, I was dismissed as an over-anxious first-time parent because he was meeting all his milestones and seemed "fine." Fast forward years later, and after going back to school post-COVID, he kind of fell apart. Now I understand it, but it has taken a lot of learning about what autism actually is when it's in someone who appears to the outside world to be pretty neurotypical.

Then my DH recently got into questioning whether he has autism. My first reaction was "hell, no. You have undiagnosed ADHD but it is clearly not autism." Now, a few months into it, I actually see it really clearly and wonder why I didn't before. My MIL also clearly has it but was also very resistant to any notion that DH had a diagnosis of anything when he was a kid, and he wishes he had gotten more support from school and therapy then. Anyway, I beat myself up for not realizing it until now, but honestly, it seemed like things were going slightly better in the past before more of life's stresses made it more apparent and harder for him to fully cope.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do everything for the household and the kids. I don’t really mind doing it all. What makes me crazy is that I get no acknowledgment for doing it all… and worse, I am very often criticized for it. “Kids don’t need parties”. “Elf on the shelf is dumb”. “Most dads hate Christmas plays”. “If you didn’t buy all these presents, you wouldn’t have so much to wrap”. “You should plan better”. “You just need to stop scheduling things. You’re going overboard”. “A birthday party on Saturday AND a birthday dinner on the actual birthday on Tuesday? Just stop.” “You can’t even keep up with the laundry so why are you taking on extra responsibilities like volunteering at the school?” “Kids don’t need after-school activities” “Play dates aren’t important” “This new math curriculum is so dumb. I wouldn’t make them do this homework.”

Write that off. My aspie In Laws are like that with their rude but clueless comments.

Why did you decorate for the holidays?
Why did you carve a jack of lantern, what a waste!
Why do your kids play soccer or sports argh.
I don’t know if I like this beach trip you paid for for us, what are all the other beaches like?
Why do the grandkids need a cake in their actual bday with us, they had a kid party last month.

About vacation: you are a saint. I would have murdered them and hid the bodies at one of these other beaches.

NP and it’s not very nice of me but I wish all of us on this thread could go on a beach vacation together. I suspect we would have a really good time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do everything for the household and the kids. I don’t really mind doing it all. What makes me crazy is that I get no acknowledgment for doing it all… and worse, I am very often criticized for it. “Kids don’t need parties”. “Elf on the shelf is dumb”. “Most dads hate Christmas plays”. “If you didn’t buy all these presents, you wouldn’t have so much to wrap”. “You should plan better”. “You just need to stop scheduling things. You’re going overboard”. “A birthday party on Saturday AND a birthday dinner on the actual birthday on Tuesday? Just stop.” “You can’t even keep up with the laundry so why are you taking on extra responsibilities like volunteering at the school?” “Kids don’t need after-school activities” “Play dates aren’t important” “This new math curriculum is so dumb. I wouldn’t make them do this homework.”

Write that off. My aspie In Laws are like that with their rude but clueless comments.

Why did you decorate for the holidays?
Why did you carve a jack of lantern, what a waste!
Why do your kids play soccer or sports argh.
I don’t know if I like this beach trip you paid for for us, what are all the other beaches like?
Why do the grandkids need a cake in their actual bday with us, they had a kid party last month.

About vacation: you are a saint. I would have murdered them and hid the bodies at one of these other beaches.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im getting a divorce. That is my answer.

DH is an awful communicator. I can’t imagine trying to coparent with him.

You already are. However you are also demonstrating to your kids that its ok for you to be unhappy and for a marriage and family to revolve around one persons whims.

Nope, right now I do everything and he fades in and out when he feels like it. If he had the kids for some number of days each week or month, he’d have to communicate his schedule and keep up with kids’ activities.

I completely feel for you, because two years ago I broke down crying one day realizing that if I left my husband he wouldn't even be able to take care of himself bc I had let our marriage get to the point where it was like yours. Which, as the parent of a kid on the spectrum and wife of a husband on the spectrum, I recognize is VERY easy to do.

Anyway, I started spending weekend days w friends and provided my husband with suggestions for what he could do w the kids while I was gone, like restaurants to go to for lunch or stores to check out. He did that, so then I asked him to be responsible for taking one kid to a sport. Kid missed a few practices, showed up w out proper equipment a few times, but dad was able to step up.

Now we are in the process of divorcing and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. DH is able to handle the kids without me because I let him do so. Is he still a negative unflexible ruminating selfish ahole? Yes. But he is managing with the kids. Do they get less nutrition and less showers and more screens w him than w me? Yes. Do they miss going to things sometimes on his days? Also yes. Does he ever take them to any dr appts, therapies, etc even if they are “his day”? No and I dont expect him to. We live close enough to each other and the school that its not a problem.

But I am sooooo much happier. I have soooooo much more fun w the kids without him around. My kids see me happy and see a “normal” life when it is our time together. It is absolutely worth the time it took to get here.