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[quote=Anonymous]Often the one who doesn't launch is the one left holding the bag in terms of the appearance of being the caregiver- because they never moved out/got a job/etc- so they put themselves in that position and now have to be value-add somehow. Yet often they don't, and though it's frustrating- it is often enabled so long by the parents that there is only one outcome. And if there is a relevant diagnosis out there- they aren't looking for it and get angry when assistance is offered.

We have had to have this conversation in my family multiple times about how the least actualized, least reflective, least communicative, least resourceful person is now by default 'the caregiver' who actually does nothing/notices nothing, gets things in the ditch then needs help but won't take it. It is painful. It makes me look at all my own young kids like 'ok which one of you guys is going to pull this sh!t and will I love you enough to recognize it/nip it in the bud if it happens' so it doesn't destroy your relationship with all your siblings.

Noting that I have seen it happen rarely with friends that there is an awesome unpaid caregiver child who has given up their own hopes/dreams to provide care/leads a full life with their family members for whom they are caring- and that they are on top of EVERYTHING and helping keep their loved ones alive, happy and engaged- and still their siblings don't acknowledge or appreciate their hard work. I assure you if that were the case for us, we would appreciate all that... and make sure they are compensated and get respite.

But when you actually aren't helping and your life is a vacation, people don't want to give you 'time off' for another paid vacation in order to get you out of the home so we can actually clean the home/go through paperwork/make fixes/care for the family member/stabilize them periodically though that is what we do to counteract the ill effects of this unwelcome dud caregiving.

Parents like to defend the enmeshed dynamic and there is no fixing it despite all the contrary evidence of the dangerous effects. We just wait periodically for the low-key calls with alarming info to know when to take over. Ironically the aging parents 'need to live with Dudley so we can take care of them' so they refuse to move in with any of the other kids. It's sad all around.[/quote]

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