Reply to Husband told me he hates me and mocked me

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have severe anxiety and before I was in treatment I would react like this (occasionally, and not as extreme as this DH sounds- but I would be mean in an unhelpful way). Now I am in therapy and it doesn’t happen anymore, I’ve worked (hard) on coping mechanisms.

But if your DH doesn’t see a problem, you can’t fix it.[/quote]

This post above is perceptive--and useful. OP, re-read it. Then look at your own post. You say this one incident is an example of a normal day in your marriage. Don't focus on the one incident (I know, easy to say but hard to do, but you need big picture focus now).

Focus on this: If this is normal for you -- and it is absolutely not normal in any remotely healthy relationship -- is it possible that, like the PP above, your DH has a much, much deeper issue?

Sit down solo, write out a list of what seems to trigger these things, events, times of day, how long this has been going on, etc. [i]If this is a change and he didn't used to turn on you and act this way, then realize that a change is a huge red flag for things like anxiety, depression (which in men often comes out as anger, OP!), etc[/i]. In other words, this may not be about him or about you or about the marriage; it may be about his having a condition that manifests in behaviors like these. That is NOT an excuse for his behavior, but it may be an explanation, OP. Sit and really think it through and then I'd make an appointment for him to see his doctor for an overall health screening and I'd tell him that it needs to include depression/anxiety screening as well, and that you have already made an appointment with a marriage therapist. Stat. If he continues, or refuses, tell him you are going to consider separating.

I really hope you don't have kids. If you do, I'd move even faster to separate physically while deciding if he is ill and would agree to treatment or not. [/quote]

I am a woman who used to be in a relationship with an emotionally and verbally abusive man, and I am exhausted just by reading this. You know what?  It is not my responsibility to invest time, money and mental energy trying to diagnose the reasons for my husband or partner's abuse.  Any abuse - emotional, verbal or physical - is a valid reason to end the relationship immediately. Abused women, whether wives or girlfriends, do not owe a duty of care to their abuser to cure them of their abuse or get them treatment for their abuse.

I wish someone (like one of the many therapists we saw) would have told me this. It would have saved me years.

As for another PP, who mocked OP for being scared - this is part of the pattern of behavior that is abuse.  Read up on "coercive control".  Abusers often start with non-physical but boundary-crossing verbal behavior like OP describes. It is a sort of test. If the recipient doesn't enforce the boundary, the abuser continues to escalate the behavior.

In my relationship with my abuser, it took 8 years to escalate from non-abuse to near physical abuse.  I left when he verbally "threatened to beat the crap out of me" and punched a hole in the bedroom wall.

Emotional or verbal abuse often escalates to physical abuse.

OP, whether you have kids or not, leave. No woman deserves to live like this. [/quote]

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