Reply to “You’re cut out of the will”- my dysfunctional family

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is a learned behavior as you say, so I'd try to have some compassion around it. We all want to be unlike our parents, and we succeed in some ways and fail in others. You're aware of it, so you could break the cycle.

Could you bring up this dynamic to her? "I used to get so upset hearing grandpa say this to you, and now you're doing the same to me. I'm so curious about this - what's going on for you?"

Have a conversation and then decide what to do. [/quote]

I tried this sort of thing back when I was trying everything to have a decent relationship with my aging mother. It set off a rage fit. I suspect this will happen to anyone else who tries it because normal, rational, decent people with emotional regulation and empathy do not much such threats. If you confront an unstable on their concerning behavior it rarely goes well unless the person is in therapy and medicated.[/quote]

Then all you can do is gray rock. “Okay” and move on.

The key is to only invest in the relationship as much as you feel comfortable with the expectation of nothing. When you start to feel resentment that you’re spending an afternoon visiting your mom when you wanted to go hiking with a friend (or just watch a movie at home,) that’s your cue to pull back.

This balance is hard to achieve but it’s absolutely necessary if you want to maintain contact. And even if you decide to go NC, my advice is to NOT make a big announcement. Simply, say no to invites and ignore messages. You never know what the future may bring. In my experience the people who make big “NEVER” statements are in the same category as ultimatums — it backs you into a corner unnecessarily. [/quote]

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