Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a learned behavior as you say, so I'd try to have some compassion around it. We all want to be unlike our parents, and we succeed in some ways and fail in others. You're aware of it, so you could break the cycle.

Could you bring up this dynamic to her? "I used to get so upset hearing grandpa say this to you, and now you're doing the same to me. I'm so curious about this - what's going on for you?"

Have a conversation and then decide what to do.

I tried this sort of thing back when I was trying everything to have a decent relationship with my aging mother. It set off a rage fit. I suspect this will happen to anyone else who tries it because normal, rational, decent people with emotional regulation and empathy do not much such threats. If you confront an unstable on their concerning behavior it rarely goes well unless the person is in therapy and medicated.

That’s definitely frustrating. What do you want to do now? What boundaries do you need? Be intentional and then have your own back. I like to make the boundaries with love + compassion to both parties. I know it sounds silly, or woo, but being angry about it doesn’t serve me. It takes the charge out of it.

That’s not to say you won’t have to reevaluate or can’t be angry/charged/sad later. We have a family wedding coming up and it’s bringing up a lot for me. I am thinking about boundaries for a new situation.

Take care.

This is Polyana speak of a therapist in teasing before they understand what it is to have an abusive parent. You take the high road and remain calm and respectful setting boundaries, but love and compassion bs is minimizing things. People who make these threats are not living and compassionate. You set boundaries and prepare to stay strong as the storm of crazy continues.

Families are so screwed up.

Anonymous wrote:I come from the most screwed up family. My grandfather, every time he would get into a fight with anyone, would threaten to cut out their portion of the will. Then they’d make up and pretend it didn’t happen. He passed away and my mom inherited a big chunk. Now she is doing the same thing. At the slightest argument she’ll say something like “don’t expect anything from me when I die.” I would rather not inherit anything than hear about it for the next couple of decades. Does anyone else have family like this and how would you handle it?

My father did the same. And finally told him to keep his money (and it's not quite as much as he thinks it is). Bye. It's been over 20 years and I don't care if he leaves me a cent. Not having to deal with his emotional abuse and toxic treatment, not to mention threats and manipulation, was freeing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from the most screwed up family. My grandfather, every time he would get into a fight with anyone, would threaten to cut out their portion of the will. Then they’d make up and pretend it didn’t happen. He passed away and my mom inherited a big chunk. Now she is doing the same thing. At the slightest argument she’ll say something like “don’t expect anything from me when I die.” I would rather not inherit anything than hear about it for the next couple of decades. Does anyone else have family like this and how would you handle it?

Yes, this is pretty common -- it's just garden variety control. Folks who have a lot of money can use it to (attempt to) control their kids. If they didn't have money, they wouldn't use money for control, but would most certainly engage in a myriad other ways. My mother was constantly screaming "I'll cut you off!!!" Ugh. I finally said "Who cares?" She never did.

Yeah, I'll cut you off, I won't babysit for you, I'll never speak to you again, its about control not the acutal money.

As far as dysfunction goes, this is pretty small beer. Talk to me when you have alcoholics, living on disability, suicide attempts, and affairs. And this was a family with NO money (cut you out of the will would have been hilarious).

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, that’s fine. I don’t want money to be an issue between us. Do what you like with your money, and just don’t discuss it with me. Let’s have our relationship be about other things.”

This!!

Anonymous wrote:Money is not worth games. Go 100% no contact.

Trust me, when she needs her diaper changed, her attitude will change.

Just adding that threatening to remove someone's inheritance if they do not act/do something you want is a form of Financial Abuse.

Abuse can be learned/passed down for generations, but that doesn't minimize what it is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a learned behavior as you say, so I'd try to have some compassion around it. We all want to be unlike our parents, and we succeed in some ways and fail in others. You're aware of it, so you could break the cycle.

Could you bring up this dynamic to her? "I used to get so upset hearing grandpa say this to you, and now you're doing the same to me. I'm so curious about this - what's going on for you?"

Have a conversation and then decide what to do.

I tried this sort of thing back when I was trying everything to have a decent relationship with my aging mother. It set off a rage fit. I suspect this will happen to anyone else who tries it because normal, rational, decent people with emotional regulation and empathy do not much such threats. If you confront an unstable on their concerning behavior it rarely goes well unless the person is in therapy and medicated.

Then all you can do is gray rock. “Okay” and move on.

The key is to only invest in the relationship as much as you feel comfortable with the expectation of nothing. When you start to feel resentment that you’re spending an afternoon visiting your mom when you wanted to go hiking with a friend (or just watch a movie at home,) that’s your cue to pull back.

This balance is hard to achieve but it’s absolutely necessary if you want to maintain contact. And even if you decide to go NC, my advice is to NOT make a big announcement. Simply, say no to invites and ignore messages. You never know what the future may bring. In my experience the people who make big “NEVER” statements are in the same category as ultimatums — it backs you into a corner unnecessarily.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, this is my family.
Mom spent decades deliberately triangulating my sibling and i, and left all money to my sibling (who would very gladly and gleefully keep it all) to help ensure, even in death, that my sibling and i would never have a positive relationship.
It's impossible for people without parent(s) and/or sibling(s) like this to remotely understand, OP.

same same. I dont care about the money, but I'm still grieving the loss of the family I thought I had. I went no contact and have no regrets, but it's a loss nonetheless. They used money as a means of control, but I removed myself from their manipulative garbage. The silver lining for me is that after lots of therapy I'm a cycle breaker. I will never treat my kids the way I was raised.

Yes. When people you love, and you thought loved you, do something this cruel, it is heartbreaking.

As a parent of young kids, I read this as the equivalent of "clean up your room or I'll throw away all your toys." It's about anger, control, and poor self regulation. Add in a mix of unhealthy boundaries, too. You're a grown adult and can do what you want. They want you to act differently. This is the stick. It's all pretty ridiculous to try to control another adult... but what can you do.

Oh yes. And my mother has a decent amount of money too. So I love my life planning to get absolutely nothing from her estate. That’s ok! My mental health is so much more valuable.

I am preparing myself for the situation that when she dies, she not only disinherits me but does something extra cruel - like leaving it to my cousin specifically because she is “the daughter [my mother] always wished she had.”

(For the record I love my cousin, and don’t care if she inherits, I just didn’t love growing up hearing that I’m a disappointment because I’m not as wonderful as her).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a learned behavior as you say, so I'd try to have some compassion around it. We all want to be unlike our parents, and we succeed in some ways and fail in others. You're aware of it, so you could break the cycle.

Could you bring up this dynamic to her? "I used to get so upset hearing grandpa say this to you, and now you're doing the same to me. I'm so curious about this - what's going on for you?"

Have a conversation and then decide what to do.

I tried this sort of thing back when I was trying everything to have a decent relationship with my aging mother. It set off a rage fit. I suspect this will happen to anyone else who tries it because normal, rational, decent people with emotional regulation and empathy do not much such threats. If you confront an unstable on their concerning behavior it rarely goes well unless the person is in therapy and medicated.

That’s definitely frustrating. What do you want to do now? What boundaries do you need? Be intentional and then have your own back. I like to make the boundaries with love + compassion to both parties. I know it sounds silly, or woo, but being angry about it doesn’t serve me. It takes the charge out of it.

That’s not to say you won’t have to reevaluate or can’t be angry/charged/sad later. We have a family wedding coming up and it’s bringing up a lot for me. I am thinking about boundaries for a new situation.

Take care.

Anonymous wrote:This is a learned behavior as you say, so I'd try to have some compassion around it. We all want to be unlike our parents, and we succeed in some ways and fail in others. You're aware of it, so you could break the cycle.

Could you bring up this dynamic to her? "I used to get so upset hearing grandpa say this to you, and now you're doing the same to me. I'm so curious about this - what's going on for you?"

Have a conversation and then decide what to do.

I tried this sort of thing back when I was trying everything to have a decent relationship with my aging mother. It set off a rage fit. I suspect this will happen to anyone else who tries it because normal, rational, decent people with emotional regulation and empathy do not much such threats. If you confront an unstable on their concerning behavior it rarely goes well unless the person is in therapy and medicated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, this is my family.
Mom spent decades deliberately triangulating my sibling and i, and left all money to my sibling (who would very gladly and gleefully keep it all) to help ensure, even in death, that my sibling and i would never have a positive relationship.
It's impossible for people without parent(s) and/or sibling(s) like this to remotely understand, OP.

same same. I dont care about the money, but I'm still grieving the loss of the family I thought I had. I went no contact and have no regrets, but it's a loss nonetheless. They used money as a means of control, but I removed myself from their manipulative garbage. The silver lining for me is that after lots of therapy I'm a cycle breaker. I will never treat my kids the way I was raised.

NP here. I’m not grieving the loss of family so much as the sickening feeling my mother and sister think they’re better than me - more money, they travel on fun trips together, they have this special bond and badmouthing me is their favorite activity together. I cling to other
Positives in my life such as good health and having a husband and daughter who love me. And the knowledge I won’t be spending my middle age taking care of an aging narcissist (my sister will).

I'd be like, ok, have your family office sort that out. Oh wait you don't have one-- because you ARE NOT ACTUALLY RICH.