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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP one thing I am learning to detangle for myself is that:

“You’re too indulgent and the child is spoiled” isn’t really helpful.

But “[b]your child may be anxious and the accommodations you’re providing to avoid meltdowns can make the problem worse in the long run[/b]” might be true.

And the behaviors involved overlap. The solutions are different. Your child doesn’t need a spanking. Your child might need you to remove some of these accommodations and learn in order to learn to live through their painful emotions, and you can support them while they do that in other ways without feeling like you’re a failure because the painful emotions are happening. [/quote]

Super smart comment, so glad someone said this.

I have a similar sort of child, OP. I have been there, and definitely went through a period of accommodation at 3/4 because the rigidity and sensitivity was so intense and to a great degree I was just trying to get through the day. But over time I did have to figure out other strategies, learn to set limits, and force independence and some resilience. I think a lot of this is person specific (what works for one child or one parent might not suit another child/parent duo due to personality or family dynamics), but here are a couple things that I learned that helped me a lot:

1) Radical acceptance of her feelings. A lot of the accommodation happens because of my OWN anxiety at seeing my child distressed. So I'm accommodating because she is so reactive and so sensitive and those reactions are literally painful to bear and I need them to stop. So I had to really work on my own tolerance for just accepting her feelings, including all the negative ones. She's mad, she's annoyed, she hates me, she feels like no one loves her, she thinks no one listens, etc. etc. I just learn to accept them so that seeing her express these feelings does not immediately lead to that panicky feeling inside like "what can I do to make it stop?" I can just say, "ok, you're mad, I see that. You can be mad. But then you can either change your clothes or be okay with wearing damp clothes because we don't have a dryer here. Let me know what you decided. Accepting her feelings allowed me to be the parent instead of just trying to make the feelings stop.

2) No more standoffs. Ever. Ok, I lied -- she's six and we still sometimes have standoffs. But I work hard to avoid them, walk away from them, find a third way out, whatever I can. Arguing/negotiating with a 4 year old SUCKS -- they have nothing to lose and are not beholden to things like etiquette or logic. So I don't do it. When I find myself getting drawn in, I step back and think if there's a way to sidestep the argument ("we don't have to decide right now -- let's figure it out in the morning") or to just let her win (I do this when the consequences will be hers, like when she doesn't want to wear shorts on a hot day) or to turn it into a joke or something (there is a Bluey episode about "squabbling" and sometimes I reference it to stop the "squabble"). But I don't just engage in these back and forth with her because it's miserable and gets us nowhere.

Good luck, having been through this over the last few years, I definitely understand the level of exhaustion you are at with it. It's so hard. But it really does get better, though I do think you'll need to find some new approaches to resolving issues with her.[/quote]

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