Reply to Is Your DH on the Spectrum Too? How do you Deal?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There are some helpful responses here.  I am the NT spouse of an autistic spouse with an autistic child.  They butt heads a lot because of similarly low thresholds for frustrating experiences and both get dysregulated easily.  I am the one who holds it together and our other NT child observes it all with dismay.  I worry I am ruining her life!  I am starting to feel resentful and yes, couples therapy helps a little but I want to bail 50% of the time but of course that would be disastrous for my kids.  It feels that everything I try to teach my kids is undone by my partner who models bad behavior and seems frequently and easily burned out.  Any rec's for individual therapists for adults with autism? [/quote]

There are many many therapists who specialize in neurodiverse couples. You just have to keep trying them out until you find one you click with. Be prepared to spend a lot of $$$. [/quote]

We didn’t find a lot of Phd level ASD therapists for adults at all.

I did 6 months with someone who was great but negative on it all. Not helpful for coping ideas. Yes helpful for understanding adult untreated aspergers.  A trauma expert therapist is supposed to be good too at these situations.

My aspergers/ASD I spouse did zoom therapy with a well-reputed doctor out of state but he was all lip service and no effort. The doctor did keep him calmer and less angry but mainly because he had someone to call everyone else crazy too.

I was looped in once a month to his sessions as a joint one and it’d quickly become clear he was lying and omitting a lot to his therapist. We’d walk through one example of a mishap followed by his anger burst; it’d take an hour and have many takeaways. And it was always a clear pattern: belligerence at the mere discovery he didn’t do something he agreed to do (gas up the suv before the family road-trip), then escalation & deflection (start yelling and screaming Who cares! you’re crazy! There’s gas everywhere at midnight in the mountains in winter!), then insulting me,  and zero conflict resolution (need to set reminders or tell other adult you won’t be doing it).

And all he had to do is say: I’m sorry, I didn’t notice the tank and I forgot. It won’t happen again, I’ll set reminders or tell you I can’t do it beforehand.

Then we all move on. And not have a damaged relationship, or be scared of Dad, or have to talk about it at therapy.[/quote]

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