Anonymous wrote:

Does being a stay at home parent help when sandwiched between an ASd spouse and ASD child?
I don’t take giving up my 20 yr career, network and education lightly, but doing everything myself seems like a 24/7 job. And I never know what will most help the child be a responsible, independent, productive adult later.

NP. I gave up a 15 year career to be a SAHM when my child was a little less than 8 months old. It was apparent that my ASD DH- who was diagnosed after essentially imploding after our child was born- could not be a co-parent with a working spouse. I felt like all of my identities were blown up that year. But I also knew that my child would have a disastrous life if I continued to work with the expectation of my DH being capable of sharing the load.

My child is neurotypical so I guess I’m in an open-faced sandwich, if you will. I feel the burden of needing to use the different emotional capabilities, regulation and executive functioning skills that I have versus my DH. There is a lot of pressure on me because my DH holds it together at work but shuts down at home. This would be 10x harder if my DD had ASD and I was working.

I don’t say this to scare parents. I do see my friends with kids who have received EI and other supports and wish my DH had that as a child. Things are so much better than when he grew up.

Anonymous wrote:Have you read Tony Attwood’s book? He suggests 3 things:
1- DH has to be diagnosed and accept diagnosis
2- Everyone has to be open and willing to learn
3- Therapy, both individual and couples

I will add a couple other things that help me tremendously:
*spending time with my tight-knit group of girlfriends who enjoy engaging in deep, meaningful conversation and know me inside and out (I often feel misunderstood by DH)
*household help - landscaping, cleaning ladies, regular help with evening childcare (DH leaves most executive tasks to me - planning, organizing, doing most household and parenting tasks. Without regular help
I can count on, I get really resentful.)

My DH also had to learn how to manage anxiety appropriately after decades of using maladaptive coping skills.

If my ASD son chooses to get married and have a family, I will openly discuss these tips with him and his partner. Hopefully they can avoid some of hurtful and traumatic experiences I’ve been through with my DH who didn’t receive a diagnosis or any support until he was 50. My son already has an enormous advantage - diagnosis and a top notch support team - in childhood.

+1

It’s rare to be in a situation where all 3 happens which can make things harder. I hope with the early interventions it will make a big difference down the road as an adult. I do wonder if my ASD child will end up with someone neurodiverse too.

I outsource what I can and have a close group of girlfriends which help a lot. The part that is painful is when your ASD spouse needs to really decompress at home/have time consuming interests to the point they don’t have the bandwidth to meet your emotional needs as a partner.

You almost condition yourself to not have emotional needs from a partner level because you know it may not be met. Over time, I think that can take a real toll on your health.

To be honest, I’m not sure if I will stay after my child has graduated. At the same time I feel I need to stay as healthy and live as long as possible to be there for my child.

I do feel as the process with my ASD child has progressed I see my spouse more open and aware of their issues and how to do less maladaptive behavior so I still hang on to hope that further down the road it will be better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the conversation that's hard to have on this board because it goes to parents' long-term worries for their children. Tread carefully.

Stop posting that 1,2,3,4x.

Don’t read stuff you want to shove under the rug. Or stay off DCUM.

No. The SN board is not the place for unbridled attacks on autistic people (thankfully this thread is steering clear of that).

Thank goodness you warned everyone a few times to not offend parents of SN kids with a SN parent.

There was more than one person commenting along those lines.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some helpful responses here. I am the NT spouse of an autistic spouse with an autistic child. They butt heads a lot because of similarly low thresholds for frustrating experiences and both get dysregulated easily. I am the one who holds it together and our other NT child observes it all with dismay. I worry I am ruining her life! I am starting to feel resentful and yes, couples therapy helps a little but I want to bail 50% of the time but of course that would be disastrous for my kids. It feels that everything I try to teach my kids is undone by my partner who models bad behavior and seems frequently and easily burned out. Any rec's for individual therapists for adults with autism?

There are many many therapists who specialize in neurodiverse couples. You just have to keep trying them out until you find one you click with. Be prepared to spend a lot of $$$.

We didn’t find a lot of Phd level ASD therapists for adults at all.

I did 6 months with someone who was great but negative on it all. Not helpful for coping ideas. Yes helpful for understanding adult untreated aspergers. A trauma expert therapist is supposed to be good too at these situations.

My aspergers/ASD I spouse did zoom therapy with a well-reputed doctor out of state but he was all lip service and no effort. The doctor did keep him calmer and less angry but mainly because he had someone to call everyone else crazy too.

I was looped in once a month to his sessions as a joint one and it’d quickly become clear he was lying and omitting a lot to his therapist. We’d walk through one example of a mishap followed by his anger burst; it’d take an hour and have many takeaways. And it was always a clear pattern: belligerence at the mere discovery he didn’t do something he agreed to do (gas up the suv before the family road-trip), then escalation & deflection (start yelling and screaming Who cares! you’re crazy! There’s gas everywhere at midnight in the mountains in winter!), then insulting me, and zero conflict resolution (need to set reminders or tell other adult you won’t be doing it).

And all he had to do is say: I’m sorry, I didn’t notice the tank and I forgot. It won’t happen again, I’ll set reminders or tell you I can’t do it beforehand.

Then we all move on. And not have a damaged relationship, or be scared of Dad, or have to talk about it at therapy.