Anonymous wrote:This has me thinking about a friend of mine who has no siblings and is in a long-term partnership with a woman who has no siblings. They don't have kids and don't plan to. Not only will they not have any kids to help look after them in old age, they don't even have any nieces or nephews!

Anonymous wrote:Been thinking about this lately because a close friend is caring for their uncle (never married, no kids) who is in a really challenging situation in his 80s. The friend is in their 40s with kids, dual-income family, spouse has parents who also need care. But there is no one else to care for the uncle so friend is taking it on. The uncle has dementia and has had a series of serious medical issues. The uncle also lives in a very high cost of living area (his living costs are low but if they wanted to move him into a care facility, it would be incredibly expensive here he is) and will not even discuss moving. The whole thing is very stressful and sad and I honestly can't believe how much my friend and their spouse are going through to help this person who doesn't really even seem to appreciate their help on any level.

Been thinking about it in particular because I have a brother who is on a path to be in a similar situation to this uncle -- single and no kids, has not thought much about what old age will look like for him, has a tendency to take for granted that certain family members (right now, my mom) will help him financially and emotionally and take care of him to some degree.

I'm looking at my friend and imagining my own child spending their middle age years caring for my brother. The thought makes me sad and even a little angry. I'm not talking about visiting and caring about him generally, checking in on him periodically. My friend spends a significant amount of time doing things like moving their uncle in and out of rehab facilities (like physical rehab from injuries like a broken hip, not substance abuse), negotiating with the uncle's landlord on providing ADA compliance in his home (since he refuses to move), etc. This is on top of full time jobs, kids, ailing parents, etc. I think it is too much and deeply unfair to my friend, who seems to have just accepted that this is their life now, because the uncle won't move into a full time care facility and my friend could never just walk away from a family member like that.

Anyone else caring for elderly relatives other than parents? How did you wind up in that position? Are you resentful? What could that person have done to prevent putting you in this position?

My DH and I are working hard to make sure we don't burden our kid with OUR long term care, so the idea of my brother becoming a burden in that way is really frustrating. How do we prevent this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been thinking about this lately because a close friend is caring for their uncle (never married, no kids) who is in a really challenging situation in his 80s. The friend is in their 40s with kids, dual-income family, spouse has parents who also need care. But there is no one else to care for the uncle so friend is taking it on. The uncle has dementia and has had a series of serious medical issues. The uncle also lives in a very high cost of living area (his living costs are low but if they wanted to move him into a care facility, it would be incredibly expensive here he is) and will not even discuss moving. The whole thing is very stressful and sad and I honestly can't believe how much my friend and their spouse are going through to help this person who doesn't really even seem to appreciate their help on any level.

Been thinking about it in particular because I have a brother who is on a path to be in a similar situation to this uncle -- single and no kids, has not thought much about what old age will look like for him, has a tendency to take for granted that certain family members (right now, my mom) will help him financially and emotionally and take care of him to some degree.

I'm looking at my friend and imagining my own child spending their middle age years caring for my brother. The thought makes me sad and even a little angry. I'm not talking about visiting and caring about him generally, checking in on him periodically. My friend spends a significant amount of time doing things like moving their uncle in and out of rehab facilities (like physical rehab from injuries like a broken hip, not substance abuse), negotiating with the uncle's landlord on providing ADA compliance in his home (since he refuses to move), etc. This is on top of full time jobs, kids, ailing parents, etc. I think it is too much and deeply unfair to my friend, who seems to have just accepted that this is their life now, because the uncle won't move into a full time care facility and my friend could never just walk away from a family member like that.

Anyone else caring for elderly relatives other than parents? How did you wind up in that position? Are you resentful? What could that person have done to prevent putting you in this position?

My DH and I are working hard to make sure we don't burden our kid with OUR long term care, so the idea of my brother becoming a burden in that way is really frustrating. How do we prevent this?

Yeah, the part about not having kids no one talks about. And it's not just for times like this, it's the general loneliness of literally not having any family.
I often wonder what it's going to look like when millennials and Gen Z are elderly. Not just individually, as some will have kids, but as a society without any support base under them. There's just not going to be care at all .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eldercare is a tsunami that is starting to inundate the US and we have heard virtually nothing from our leaders about putting supports into place. It usually falls on the closest family members and traditionally women in particular. We will be seeing more and more demented elderly homeless roaming the streets, hoarded fire traps, and ERs overwhelmed with inaccompanied elderly people.

Maybe. Covid killed a lot of older people.

Anonymous wrote:Been thinking about this lately because a close friend is caring for their uncle (never married, no kids) who is in a really challenging situation in his 80s. The friend is in their 40s with kids, dual-income family, spouse has parents who also need care. But there is no one else to care for the uncle so friend is taking it on. The uncle has dementia and has had a series of serious medical issues. The uncle also lives in a very high cost of living area (his living costs are low but if they wanted to move him into a care facility, it would be incredibly expensive here he is) and will not even discuss moving. The whole thing is very stressful and sad and I honestly can't believe how much my friend and their spouse are going through to help this person who doesn't really even seem to appreciate their help on any level.

Been thinking about it in particular because I have a brother who is on a path to be in a similar situation to this uncle -- single and no kids, has not thought much about what old age will look like for him, has a tendency to take for granted that certain family members (right now, my mom) will help him financially and emotionally and take care of him to some degree.

I'm looking at my friend and imagining my own child spending their middle age years caring for my brother. The thought makes me sad and even a little angry. I'm not talking about visiting and caring about him generally, checking in on him periodically. My friend spends a significant amount of time doing things like moving their uncle in and out of rehab facilities (like physical rehab from injuries like a broken hip, not substance abuse), negotiating with the uncle's landlord on providing ADA compliance in his home (since he refuses to move), etc. This is on top of full time jobs, kids, ailing parents, etc. I think it is too much and deeply unfair to my friend, who seems to have just accepted that this is their life now, because the uncle won't move into a full time care facility and my friend could never just walk away from a family member like that.

Anyone else caring for elderly relatives other than parents? How did you wind up in that position? Are you resentful? What could that person have done to prevent putting you in this position?

My DH and I are working hard to make sure we don't burden our kid with OUR long term care, so the idea of my brother becoming a burden in that way is really frustrating. How do we prevent this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people should have to marry/have kids in order to ensure they will be cared for in old age.

But if you don’t marry/have kids, that should also leave you with a lot of freedom to save for old age AND set up your life for it so you don’t wind up in a situation where you need a high level of hands on care from a relative, or you can’t bare the thought of going to a full time care facility.

I think it’s very selfish to have no family of your own (which means never sacrificing or compromising for a spouse or kids), but also make no effort to secure yourself fir old age, and then to expect your siblings, nieces, and nephews to pick up the slack. You didn’t have to feed and clothe kids for 18+ years! Didn’t have to pay for college. Didn’t have to make compromises about your career or living situation for the good of the family. But now you want these people you never sacrificed for to take on your care? To sacrifice time with their own children for you?

It is beyond selfish. If you don’t have kids, you’ve go 50-some years to prepare for old age. Do it.

Yeah, but the reality is you still might need someone younger checking in and making sure things are going ok. I wouldn't expect my nieces and nephews to carry me to the toilet on a daily basis. But I do hope they visit me in the nursing home or at least call in and facetime with me and make the staff aware someone is there looking out for me. It helps prevent against elder abuse. I've got ten of them and if most of them manage to visit me once a year or so, and call me a few times a year, that can amount to a lot of oversight but not take up much of their time.

FWIW, I would have liked to have kids but never found the right partner. And I did do some things for my nieces and nephews - shower gifts and birthday and Christmas gifts and babysitting and playing with them on family vacations and holidays.

I sense a bit of a theme of bitterness towards childless people in your post. It seems some people who have raised kids like the idea of those of us who haven't sitting in wet diapers in our old age to punish us for not having kids. That's really messed up.

A lot depends on life circumstances. There are very few people with enough free time to attend their jobs, be there for their elderly parents, manage their own health and family emergencies, deal with life stressors AND be there for another relative. If you gave those gifts out of kindness lovely. If you feel shower gifts and birthday gifts were basically an investment in ensuring they would feel guilty and feel they owe you that is not what "gifts" are about. If your expectation when giving a gift is you expect some oversight of your eldercare you need to spell it out so they can decline. Babysitting is fun at least it is for me. Thinking that entertaining a giggly and fun baby entitles you to have someone deal with eldercare issues is something else. Hopefully you will age pleasantly and make it easy to visit. You cannot equate babysitting with visiting an elder who spews venom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people should have to marry/have kids in order to ensure they will be cared for in old age.

But if you don’t marry/have kids, that should also leave you with a lot of freedom to save for old age AND set up your life for it so you don’t wind up in a situation where you need a high level of hands on care from a relative, or you can’t bare the thought of going to a full time care facility.

I think it’s very selfish to have no family of your own (which means never sacrificing or compromising for a spouse or kids), but also make no effort to secure yourself fir old age, and then to expect your siblings, nieces, and nephews to pick up the slack. You didn’t have to feed and clothe kids for 18+ years! Didn’t have to pay for college. Didn’t have to make compromises about your career or living situation for the good of the family. But now you want these people you never sacrificed for to take on your care? To sacrifice time with their own children for you?

It is beyond selfish. If you don’t have kids, you’ve go 50-some years to prepare for old age. Do it.

Yeah, but the reality is you still might need someone younger checking in and making sure things are going ok. I wouldn't expect my nieces and nephews to carry me to the toilet on a daily basis. But I do hope they visit me in the nursing home or at least call in and facetime with me and make the staff aware someone is there looking out for me. It helps prevent against elder abuse. I've got ten of them and if most of them manage to visit me once a year or so, and call me a few times a year, that can amount to a lot of oversight but not take up much of their time.

FWIW, I would have liked to have kids but never found the right partner. And I did do some things for my nieces and nephews - shower gifts and birthday and Christmas gifts and babysitting and playing with them on family vacations and holidays.

I sense a bit of a theme of bitterness towards childless people in your post. It seems some people who have raised kids like the idea of those of us who haven't sitting in wet diapers in our old age to punish us for not having kids. That's really messed up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people should have to marry/have kids in order to ensure they will be cared for in old age.

But if you don’t marry/have kids, that should also leave you with a lot of freedom to save for old age AND set up your life for it so you don’t wind up in a situation where you need a high level of hands on care from a relative, or you can’t bare the thought of going to a full time care facility.

I think it’s very selfish to have no family of your own (which means never sacrificing or compromising for a spouse or kids), but also make no effort to secure yourself fir old age, and then to expect your siblings, nieces, and nephews to pick up the slack. You didn’t have to feed and clothe kids for 18+ years! Didn’t have to pay for college. Didn’t have to make compromises about your career or living situation for the good of the family. But now you want these people you never sacrificed for to take on your care? To sacrifice time with their own children for you?

It is beyond selfish. If you don’t have kids, you’ve go 50-some years to prepare for old age. Do it.

Yeah, but the reality is you still might need someone younger checking in and making sure things are going ok. I wouldn't expect my nieces and nephews to carry me to the toilet on a daily basis. But I do hope they visit me in the nursing home or at least call in and facetime with me and make the staff aware someone is there looking out for me. It helps prevent against elder abuse. I've got ten of them and if most of them manage to visit me once a year or so, and call me a few times a year, that can amount to a lot of oversight but not take up much of their time.

FWIW, I would have liked to have kids but never found the right partner. And I did do some things for my nieces and nephews - shower gifts and birthday and christmas gifts and babysitting and playing with them on family vacations and holidays.

I sense a bit of a theme of bitterness towards childless people in your post. It seems some people who have raised kids like the idea of those of us who haven't sitting in wet diapers in our old age to punish us for not having kids. That's really messed up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people should have to marry/have kids in order to ensure they will be cared for in old age.

But if you don’t marry/have kids, that should also leave you with a lot of freedom to save for old age AND set up your life for it so you don’t wind up in a situation where you need a high level of hands on care from a relative, or you can’t bare the thought of going to a full time care facility.

I think it’s very selfish to have no family of your own (which means never sacrificing or compromising for a spouse or kids), but also make no effort to secure yourself fir old age, and then to expect your siblings, nieces, and nephews to pick up the slack. You didn’t have to feed and clothe kids for 18+ years! Didn’t have to pay for college. Didn’t have to make compromises about your career or living situation for the good of the family. But now you want these people you never sacrificed for to take on your care? To sacrifice time with their own children for you?

It is beyond selfish. If you don’t have kids, you’ve go 50-some years to prepare for old age. Do it.

Yeah, but the reality is you still might need someone younger checking in and making sure things are going ok. I wouldn't expect my nieces and nephews to carry me to the toilet on a daily basis. But I do hope they visit me in the nursing home or at least call in and facetime with me and make the staff aware someone is there looking out for me. It helps prevent against elder abuse. I've got ten of them and if most of them manage to visit me once a year or so, and call me a few times a year, that can amount to a lot of oversight but not take up much of their time.

FWIW, I would have liked to have kids but never found the right partner. And I did do some things for my nieces and nephews - shower gifts and birthday and christmas gifts and babysitting and playing with them on family vacations and holidays.

I sense a bit of a theme of bitterness towards childless people in your post. It seems some people who have raised kids like the idea of those of us who haven't sitting in wet diapers in our old age to punish us for not having kids. That's really messed up.

Anonymous wrote:Eldercare is a tsunami that is starting to inundate the US and we have heard virtually nothing from our leaders about putting supports into place. It usually falls on the closest family members and traditionally women in particular. We will be seeing more and more demented elderly homeless roaming the streets, hoarded fire traps, and ERs overwhelmed with inaccompanied elderly people.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people should have to marry/have kids in order to ensure they will be cared for in old age.

But if you don’t marry/have kids, that should also leave you with a lot of freedom to save for old age AND set up your life for it so you don’t wind up in a situation where you need a high level of hands on care from a relative, or you can’t bare the thought of going to a full time care facility.

I think it’s very selfish to have no family of your own (which means never sacrificing or compromising for a spouse or kids), but also make no effort to secure yourself fir old age, and then to expect your siblings, nieces, and nephews to pick up the slack. You didn’t have to feed and clothe kids for 18+ years! Didn’t have to pay for college. Didn’t have to make compromises about your career or living situation for the good of the family. But now you want these people you never sacrificed for to take on your care? To sacrifice time with their own children for you?

It is beyond selfish. If you don’t have kids, you’ve go 50-some years to prepare for old age. Do it.