Reply to Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it.  He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids.  I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way.[/quote]

You said he works two jobs, does the majority of the housework, and is super involved with the kids. How many moms come on DCUM to talk about how overworked and underappreciated they are with one job and kids?  Pretty obvious where his stress comes from.[/quote]

Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they screaming at their families constantly?  Hitting their kids?  Throwing things at their husbands?  Breaking their golf clubs or whatever?  Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids.  It doesn’t really matter.  I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and I hated being his punching bag, I hated how out of control everything at home was.  It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly.  Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral.  He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant.  I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids, because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years.  His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.  [/quote]

I don't know but I would have taken over some of the work before deciding I wanted a divorce. I feel you are part of the problem here if he's doing 2 jobs and most of the work around the house and even with the kids. You both are working too much. There is probably a lot going wrong because there isn't enough time spent on the family. Bring it down to one job. Move somewhere. You do most of the parenting and home work if you want more stability and see what happens. Get out of this rat race.[/quote]

OP here- this is all sort of moot.  I don’t care what his stress is, if he returns to screaming or abusing me or the kids I am out.  If he feels “stressed,” he can hire out whatever is bothering him, or quit his second job, both of which we can afford to do.  We both work from home, he plays his sport multiple times per week, he wants to socialize as a family (keep up his image) the entire weekend.  He is a pretty energetic person and none of this was about “stress.”  Basically it was never up to me to manage his emotions or anger.  It’s on him.  The question is whether I can move on with him and increasingly it feels like I can’t.[/quote]

Then don’t. It sounds like you already have some sort of competition going and he will likely give up faster than you. He has two jobs and friends and a sport. Why do you need to stay?[/quote]

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