Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I could have written this. My DH used to yell on a daily basis, lots of controlling behavior (Ie flip out if seeing friends or 5 minutes late, no access to financial information or yelling if needed to go to the bathroom). I walked on eggshells. During COVID, he would open the door just to rage and I was left with the kids trying to make the best. He finally went to therapy and the yelling reduced. But through my own therapy and from friends and family concern. I realized it was emotionally abusive. I still love him but ultiemluy don’t feel emotional safety or in love or attraction. Couples therapy made it worse because now he is the victim because I am rejecting him but yet I need to heal and haven’t been able to repair. No real accountability on his part which makes me worry he could do this again as he did for almost a decade. In the process of divorce (hellish) with two kids and I work but I make way less than him in education and no generational wealth. It’s really scary and I go back and forth and self doubt. In the end we can try but it’s ok to have these feelings as trust has been broken and they haven’t necessarily earned it. What does your gut say?

Op here. I am so sorry that you are going through this too, pp. The bolded is what I worry about, because my husband often descends into a victim mentality. He is rather charismatic and I worry he will lull the couples counselor into thinking he is a harmless goofball. He is a very insecure, image-oriented person who always wants to be the life of the party and have people like him and always made us miserable at home.

It hurts because he didn’t shape up until he was shamed into it- the shock of *other people* telling him this was not acceptable behavior made him realize what he was doing was wrong, but years of me crying and telling him it was destroying my love for him and our marriage… not so much.

My gut has been saying to leave for months. For the sake of our children and the stability I thought I had built for them, I am trying to work this out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had reached a point where his anger and rage were too much, and had escalated into physical aggression (I won’t go as far as saying domestic violence per our counselor but many people would consider what he did to be a dealbreaker).

I finally had enough and told people including our families and clergy that I was living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and reluctantly, he got into counseling, both individual and marriage counseling with me. He has committed to it. The counselors who have worked with us both believe he is on the right track. He has also stopped almost all of the behaviors that upset me for so long and is controlling himself completely and being the husband I have always wanted him to be. It’s only been a couple of months but I feel like there has been a real sea change, and it may be genuine. Our home environment is also so much more peaceful and pleasant for our kids, and with him controlling himself it is so much easier for me to be a better parent and less reactive too.

So why do I want to leave him more than anything? I have time benchmarks that I talked about with my counselor, for example I checked in with myself at the end of the school year and felt I could stay, I want to see how the summer goes, etc. I am trying to reconnect with him and do things with him.

He is an ultra responsible parent and partner: he works two jobs, makes decent money, does a majority of the housework, and is very involved with our kids. But for years he just treated me abysmally and I just did nothing about it for so long, feeling like I couldn’t leave. And now I am not seeing any sort of future with him. I love him, but in a detached sort of way, like a relative that I just don’t like very much.

It’s like the entire marriage was an uphill climb for me anyway. I’m tired, and I don’t know when my feelings will change or if they will change. I loved this man for so long, but I am spent and feel like I am in a totally different place now: I would like to find a partner that I don’t have this ugly history with. I feel calm, but that I do not want to stay married to this man. It was like the thought never realistically occurred to me, but once it did, it’s a siren song that I can’t get out of my head.

I don’t know if I am asking a question or venting. Have you been here? Do I need to give it more time? I don’t want 50/50 custody of my kids, I don’t want to lose half my finances (although I’d totally survive financially). I want to do the right thing for everyone but it feels like staying is not the right thing for me.

OP are you me? My story is almost exactly aligned with yours, save for the fact that I married my husband because I fell in love with the perceived stability I thought he and his family would bring to my life because my mom had just died. My husband too is working on all of his anger issues but I feel like it is too little too late. Verbal and emotional abuse for 20 years and it just feels like I have so much resentment and sadness. I am now in a place of extreme calm but complete removal and distance in terms of emotional and physical intimacy. I’m kind of just enjoying the space and not making decisions right now. I am right there with you.

Yes, this is me, I am filled with resentment and sadness from 15 years of this. What are we going to do, pp? How long can we live like this? Do we leave now?

I don't know, OP. I've got 4 years until my youngest leaves the nest for college. My older one will be a junior in high school, and I feel like disrupting his high school life with a divorce would side track things like SAT prep, etc. I can't really imagine a life with my husband, I simply don't like being around him anymore, even though he is 'getting better.' I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm in therapy, which is helping TREMENDOUSLY. I was raised in an abusive household, and I'm learning about shifting my mindset to realize that I AM strong enough to do it on my own. BUT, this man is really my family, and I still am afraid of not having anyone who would be there in the middle of the night. (perhaps another cognitive distortion of mine, bc I have a very strong circle of friends.) I hear you so loudly, OP. I think the best advice I can give is to trust yourself. Trust your body and your mind. Take your time. AND, meet with a lawyer. I did this too, and it was very empowering.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it. He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids. I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way.

You said he works two jobs, does the majority of the housework, and is super involved with the kids. How many moms come on DCUM to talk about how overworked and underappreciated they are with one job and kids? Pretty obvious where his stress comes from.

Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they screaming at their families constantly? Hitting their kids? Throwing things at their husbands? Breaking their golf clubs or whatever? Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids. It doesn’t really matter. I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and I hated being his punching bag, I hated how out of control everything at home was. It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly. Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral. He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant. I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids, because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years. His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.

I don't know but I would have taken over some of the work before deciding I wanted a divorce. I feel you are part of the problem here if he's doing 2 jobs and most of the work around the house and even with the kids. You both are working too much. There is probably a lot going wrong because there isn't enough time spent on the family. Bring it down to one job. Move somewhere. You do most of the parenting and home work if you want more stability and see what happens. Get out of this rat race.

OP here- this is all sort of moot. I don’t care what his stress is, if he returns to screaming or abusing me or the kids I am out. If he feels “stressed,” he can hire out whatever is bothering him, or quit his second job, both of which we can afford to do. We both work from home, he plays his sport multiple times per week, he wants to socialize as a family (keep up his image) the entire weekend. He is a pretty energetic person and none of this was about “stress.” Basically it was never up to me to manage his emotions or anger. It’s on him. The question is whether I can move on with him and increasingly it feels like I can’t.

Then don’t. It sounds like you already have some sort of competition going and he will likely give up faster than you. He has two jobs and friends and a sport. Why do you need to stay?

Anonymous wrote:I've been dealing with something similar, although my DH was very together, sweet and trustworthy for most of our marriage. Leading up to covid his temper started to worsen and through the pandemic, it really gained steam and escalated. I was pretty well convinced that I had no choice but to leave for a while. He was put on mood stabilizers, which has helped a lot, and made me more optimistic, but it's hard not to worry if the monster will make another appearance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had reached a point where his anger and rage were too much, and had escalated into physical aggression (I won’t go as far as saying domestic violence per our counselor but many people would consider what he did to be a dealbreaker).

I finally had enough and told people including our families and clergy that I was living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and reluctantly, he got into counseling, both individual and marriage counseling with me. He has committed to it. The counselors who have worked with us both believe he is on the right track. He has also stopped almost all of the behaviors that upset me for so long and is controlling himself completely and being the husband I have always wanted him to be. It’s only been a couple of months but I feel like there has been a real sea change, and it may be genuine. Our home environment is also so much more peaceful and pleasant for our kids, and with him controlling himself it is so much easier for me to be a better parent and less reactive too.

So why do I want to leave him more than anything? I have time benchmarks that I talked about with my counselor, for example I checked in with myself at the end of the school year and felt I could stay, I want to see how the summer goes, etc. I am trying to reconnect with him and do things with him.

He is an ultra responsible parent and partner: he works two jobs, makes decent money, does a majority of the housework, and is very involved with our kids. But for years he just treated me abysmally and I just did nothing about it for so long, feeling like I couldn’t leave. And now I am not seeing any sort of future with him. I love him, but in a detached sort of way, like a relative that I just don’t like very much.

It’s like the entire marriage was an uphill climb for me anyway. I’m tired, and I don’t know when my feelings will change or if they will change. I loved this man for so long, but I am spent and feel like I am in a totally different place now: I would like to find a partner that I don’t have this ugly history with. I feel calm, but that I do not want to stay married to this man. It was like the thought never realistically occurred to me, but once it did, it’s a siren song that I can’t get out of my head.

I don’t know if I am asking a question or venting. Have you been here? Do I need to give it more time? I don’t want 50/50 custody of my kids, I don’t want to lose half my finances (although I’d totally survive financially). I want to do the right thing for everyone but it feels like staying is not the right thing for me.

OP are you me? My story is almost exactly aligned with yours, save for the fact that I married my husband because I fell in love with the perceived stability I thought he and his family would bring to my life because my mom had just died. My husband too is working on all of his anger issues but I feel like it is too little too late. Verbal and emotional abuse for 20 years and it just feels like I have so much resentment and sadness. I am now in a place of extreme calm but complete removal and distance in terms of emotional and physical intimacy. I’m kind of just enjoying the space and not making decisions right now. I am right there with you.

Yes, this is me, I am filled with resentment and sadness from 15 years of this. What are we going to do, pp? How long can we live like this? Do we leave now?

Anonymous wrote:Don’t leave. It will get better. Marriage has ups and downs. There’s no guarantee you’ll find a new partner. I was in your position and I left. I regret it. This mythical new partner never appeared.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it. He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids. I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way.

You said he works two jobs, does the majority of the housework, and is super involved with the kids. How many moms come on DCUM to talk about how overworked and underappreciated they are with one job and kids? Pretty obvious where his stress comes from.

Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they screaming at their families constantly? Hitting their kids? Throwing things at their husbands? Breaking their golf clubs or whatever? Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids. It doesn’t really matter. I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and I hated being his punching bag, I hated how out of control everything at home was. It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly. Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral. He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant. I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids, because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years. His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.

I don't know but I would have taken over some of the work before deciding I wanted a divorce. I feel you are part of the problem here if he's doing 2 jobs and most of the work around the house and even with the kids. You both are working too much. There is probably a lot going wrong because there isn't enough time spent on the family. Bring it down to one job. Move somewhere. You do most of the parenting and home work if you want more stability and see what happens. Get out of this rat race.

OP here- this is all sort of moot. I don’t care what his stress is, if he returns to screaming or abusing me or the kids I am out. If he feels “stressed,” he can hire out whatever is bothering him, or quit his second job, both of which we can afford to do. We both work from home, he plays his sport multiple times per week, he wants to socialize as a family (keep up his image) the entire weekend. He is a pretty energetic person and none of this was about “stress.” Basically it was never up to me to manage his emotions or anger. It’s on him. The question is whether I can move on with him and increasingly it feels like I can’t.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it. He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids. I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way.

You said he works two jobs, does the majority of the housework, and is super involved with the kids. How many moms come on DCUM to talk about how overworked and underappreciated they are with one job and kids? Pretty obvious where his stress comes from.

Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they screaming at their families constantly? Hitting their kids? Throwing things at their husbands? Breaking their golf clubs or whatever? Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids. It doesn’t really matter. I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and I hated being his punching bag, I hated how out of control everything at home was. It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly. Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral. He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant. I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids, because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years. His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.

I don't know but I would have taken over some of the work before deciding I wanted a divorce. I feel you are part of the problem here if he's doing 2 jobs and most of the work around the house and even with the kids. You both are working too much. There is probably a lot going wrong because there isn't enough time spent on the family. Bring it down to one job. Move somewhere. You do most of the parenting and home work if you want more stability and see what happens. Get out of this rat race.

OP here- this is all sort of moot. I don’t care what his stress is, if he returns to screaming or abusing me or the kids I am out. If he feels “stressed,” he can hire out whatever is bothering him, or quit his second job, both of which we can afford to do. We both work from home, he plays his sport multiple times per week, he wants to socialize as a family (keep up his image) the entire weekend. He is a pretty energetic person and none of this was about “stress.” Basically it was never up to me to manage his emotions or anger. It’s on him. The question is whether I can move on with him and increasingly it feels like I can’t.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it. He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids. I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way.

You said he works two jobs, does the majority of the housework, and is super involved with the kids. How many moms come on DCUM to talk about how overworked and underappreciated they are with one job and kids? Pretty obvious where his stress comes from.

Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they screaming at their families constantly? Hitting their kids? Throwing things at their husbands? Breaking their golf clubs or whatever? Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids. It doesn’t really matter. I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and I hated being his punching bag, I hated how out of control everything at home was. It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly. Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral. He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant. I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids, because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years. His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.

I don't know but I would have taken over some of the work before deciding I wanted a divorce. I feel you are part of the problem here if he's doing 2 jobs and most of the work around the house and even with the kids. You both are working too much. There is probably a lot going wrong because there isn't enough time spent on the family. Bring it down to one job. Move somewhere. You do most of the parenting and home work if you want more stability and see what happens. Get out of this rat race.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it. He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids. I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way.

You said he works two jobs, does the majority of the housework, and is super involved with the kids. How many moms come on DCUM to talk about how overworked and underappreciated they are with one job and kids? Pretty obvious where his stress comes from.

Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they screaming at their families constantly? Hitting their kids? Throwing things at their husbands? Breaking their golf clubs or whatever? Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids. It doesn’t really matter. I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and I hated being his punching bag, I hated how out of control everything at home was. It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly. Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral. He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant. I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids, because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years. His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I could have written this. My DH used to yell on a daily basis, lots of controlling behavior (Ie flip out if seeing friends or 5 minutes late, no access to financial information or yelling if needed to go to the bathroom). I walked on eggshells. During COVID, he would open the door just to rage and I was left with the kids trying to make the best. He finally went to therapy and the yelling reduced. But through my own therapy and from friends and family concern. I realized it was emotionally abusive. I still love him but ultiemluy don’t feel emotional safety or in love or attraction. Couples therapy made it worse because now he is the victim because I am rejecting him but yet I need to heal and haven’t been able to repair. No real accountability on his part which makes me worry he could do this again as he did for almost a decade. In the process of divorce (hellish) with two kids and I work but I make way less than him in education and no generational wealth. It’s really scary and I go back and forth and self doubt. In the end we can try but it’s ok to have these feelings as trust has been broken and they haven’t necessarily earned it. What does your gut say?

Op here. I am so sorry that you are going through this too, pp. The bolded is what I worry about, because my husband often descends into a victim mentality. He is rather charismatic and I worry he will lull the couples counselor into thinking he is a harmless goofball. He is a very insecure, image-oriented person who always wants to be the life of the party and have people like him and always made us miserable at home.

It hurts because he didn’t shape up until he was shamed into it- the shock of *other people* telling him this was not acceptable behavior made him realize what he was doing was wrong, but years of me crying and telling him it was destroying my love for him and our marriage… not so much.

My gut has been saying to leave for months. For the sake of our children and the stability I thought I had built for them, I am trying to work this out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is ok to be done. Everything he is doing may just be too little, too late.

+1 And OP is always going to be looking over her shoulder, waiting for a relapse. That sort of vigilance is exhausting.

I am sort of getting over this particular worry very slowly. A few months is nothing when you have been married 15 years, but it’s something. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, I am trying to forgive for the sake of our kids, but I can’t make myself feel anything. The only thing I feel is a deep desire to leave him.

Anonymous wrote:I would wait and see how things go. Do not be hasty. It sounds like there are now a lot of positives.