Anonymous wrote:Given your update, do you even care about being graceful? They're toxic and careless people who actively undermine your parenting. Just as straightforward "we had a change of plans and won't be able to visit this time" will do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the advice guys.

More details below for those who think we're being unreasonable (details changed to protect privacy but otherwise they are the very real problems we face with them)

We're visiting their general location (let's say it's the Bay Area and we're visiting from DC) We're staying in San Francisco and they are in someplace like Tracy. we've already visited once on this trip and planned to visit again at the end for a long weekend.

However, the first visit sucked (even more than usual). The grandparents don't respect the kids' sleep schedule (revving them up with fireworks at midnight, then complain that they slept in the next morning...)

Literally every single thing I tell the kids, grandma says the opposite is okay, even when it's dangerous...I'll say to my 3 year old, "hold my hand in the parking lot" and grandma will be like, "you don't have to listen to your mom, let go of her hand!"

their house is also pretty hazardous (think random sharp objects like axes for cutting firewood lying around backyard, trampoline next to the fire pit, no railings or safety gates on stairs, unfenced pool, etc..)

They are not capable of being reasoned with or taking anyone else's feelings into consideration. My husband tells them "NO. Do not tell our five year old to bike around on the roof. I don't care if it's flat, it's not safe." And they make fun of him, telling them he's raising the kids to be soft.

For what it's worth I don't think they really enjoy these visits much either. Grandma is a church lady and spends a lot of her time on that, and Grandpa spends a lot of the day outside the house with his friends and working on his hobbies, so we don't even spend that much time together on visits.

(And no, they will not come to San Francisco to visit us...we suggested that once and they got so insulted. even though they go into the city for specialist appointments, church field trips, etc.)

You have to say something directly. These are safety issues. If someone told my child they didn’t have to hold my hand in a parking lot I would be so furious. I would call and say that you were very unhappy with how the first visit went and you aren’t willing to listen to them undermine your parenting again. If you plan another visit, have a discussion ahead of time reminding them you expect them to not interfere with your parenting. If they do it again no more visits for a while. My husband had to do a milder version of this with his parents (they were not as bad as you described but it was enough something had to be said). It was awkward for a while but they have it together now (my SIL thankfully took the same position and they decided they were willing to exercise some self control to maintain contact with their grandchildren). If they had not we probably wouldn’t visit them. If that’s where you are at you may as well be be honest.

I agree with this post. You have to deal with it and force the boundaries. Your kids will benefit from knowing them if you can manage to do it. It’s worth the effort to push the subject.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually have very little respect for people who can't get along with extended family.

Statistically speaking, when your kids are grown, they'll hate you, too, and you'll be alone. This is what you're teaching them.

Good to know. So I guess I need to explain that I was beaten, starved, and neglected by a drug addicted parent until I was put into foster care for you to respect me? Maybe show some compassion and understand that there is a lot you may not know. In the meantime, I have no respect for judgmental people who lack empathy, so sounds like we agree as to each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually have very little respect for people who can't get along with extended family.

Statistically speaking, when your kids are grown, they'll hate you, too, and you'll be alone. This is what you're teaching them.

+1 Some day you will be the one hoping for a visit.

Anonymous wrote:I read your update. This is your vacation and you already saw them at their house. Now you can invite them to whatever you planned and it’s up to them if they come.

Thanks for inviting us over again next weekend. We won’t be able to come because we have a day long trip planned to Alcatraz. Let us know if you would like to meet us there and we can hang out in San Francisco before we head back home.

Anonymous wrote:I usually have very little respect for people who can't get along with extended family.

Statistically speaking, when your kids are grown, they'll hate you, too, and you'll be alone. This is what you're teaching them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again, thanks for your advice everyone. It is hard sometimes when everyone makes you feel like the crazy ones for just wanting a safe environment for your kids, and you sadly realize the grandparents just cannot provide that. ( I honestly do not know how my husband survived as a kid.)

In conclusion,
I am looking forward to our last minute wonderful, can’t pass it up, “whale watching trip in monterey.”

Yeah I’d go with that one, I actually live in the Bay Area and laughed when I read that post because it was exactly what I was thinking.

I really hope your parents aren’t actually in Northern California in a rural area and like setting off their own fireworks. It’s not as dry now as it was last year but setting off fireworks inland is crazy! They are going to end up burning down their area.

Anonymous wrote:Op again, thanks for your advice everyone. It is hard sometimes when everyone makes you feel like the crazy ones for just wanting a safe environment for your kids, and you sadly realize the grandparents just cannot provide that. ( I honestly do not know how my husband survived as a kid.)

In conclusion,
I am looking forward to our last minute wonderful, can’t pass it up, “whale watching trip in monterey.”

Anonymous wrote:Op again, thanks for your advice everyone. It is hard sometimes when everyone makes you feel like the crazy ones for just wanting a safe environment for your kids, and you sadly realize the grandparents just cannot provide that. ( I honestly do not know how my husband survived as a kid.)

In conclusion,
I am looking forward to our last minute wonderful, can’t pass it up, “whale watching trip in monterey.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the advice guys.

More details below for those who think we're being unreasonable (details changed to protect privacy but otherwise they are the very real problems we face with them)

We're visiting their general location (let's say it's the Bay Area and we're visiting from DC) We're staying in San Francisco and they are in someplace like Tracy. we've already visited once on this trip and planned to visit again at the end for a long weekend.

However, the first visit sucked (even more than usual). The grandparents don't respect the kids' sleep schedule (revving them up with fireworks at midnight, then complain that they slept in the next morning...)

Literally every single thing I tell the kids, grandma says the opposite is okay, even when it's dangerous...I'll say to my 3 year old, "hold my hand in the parking lot" and grandma will be like, "you don't have to listen to your mom, let go of her hand!"

their house is also pretty hazardous (think random sharp objects like axes for cutting firewood lying around backyard, trampoline next to the fire pit, no railings or safety gates on stairs, unfenced pool, etc..)

They are not capable of being reasoned with or taking anyone else's feelings into consideration. My husband tells them "NO. Do not tell our five year old to bike around on the roof. I don't care if it's flat, it's not safe." And they make fun of him, telling them he's raising the kids to be soft.

For what it's worth I don't think they really enjoy these visits much either. Grandma is a church lady and spends a lot of her time on that, and Grandpa spends a lot of the day outside the house with his friends and working on his hobbies, so we don't even spend that much time together on visits.

(And no, they will not come to San Francisco to visit us...we suggested that once and they got so insulted. even though they go into the city for specialist appointments, church field trips, etc.)

You have to say something directly. These are safety issues. If someone told my child they didn’t have to hold my hand in a parking lot I would be so furious. I would call and say that you were very unhappy with how the first visit went and you aren’t willing to listen to them undermine your parenting again. If you plan another visit, have a discussion ahead of time reminding them you expect them to not interfere with your parenting. If they do it again no more visits for a while. My husband had to do a milder version of this with his parents (they were not as bad as you described but it was enough something had to be said). It was awkward for a while but they have it together now (my SIL thankfully took the same position and they decided they were willing to exercise some self control to maintain contact with their grandchildren). If they had not we probably wouldn’t visit them. If that’s where you are at you may as well be be honest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually have very little respect for people who can't get along with extended family.

Statistically speaking, when your kids are grown, they'll hate you, too, and you'll be alone. This is what you're teaching them.

+1 Some day you will be the one hoping for a visit.

+1 so true

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually have very little respect for people who can't get along with extended family.

Statistically speaking, when your kids are grown, they'll hate you, too, and you'll be alone. This is what you're teaching them.

+1 Some day you will be the one hoping for a visit.