Reply to Why don’t more parents understand that adult kids have leverage nowadays to cut off contact, and

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of [b]abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids[/b], especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.[/quote]

Exactly. I have told my husband this a few times. He is the authoritarian type, that does exactly the bolded. It's been a serious point of contention in our marriage. His parents did not do that with him, his brothers are not like this, so I don't know where he gets it from. He wonders why his kids are not affectionate towards him, and when we point out he can make himself extremely unpleasant, he denies ever acting that way, and accuses us of gaslighting him. This plus other red flags in the socio-communication realm have made me conclude he has mild autism, in addition to a very patriarchal view of the world.

And obviously, none of that was on display before we had kids. He has always been lovely towards his niece and nephews.[/quote]

I posted the above. People who have not experienced this dynamic think in black and white and don't understand the cognitive dissonance it creates for my kids, who are sensitive to the fact that he cares for them, that he wields enormous financial power over them, and yet, who suffer because he doesn't accept that he is sometimes verbally and psychologically abusive. My husband cares for his kids: he cooks meals, brings them to doctors' appointments, looks at their grades, has saved and invested to pay for any college, even the most expensive. On paper he's a great father. But in real life, perhaps due to his Asperger's, he doesn't understand their moods, has a horror for displays of emotions (it makes him angry, which is so weird! I cried with joy at the birth of DD, and he was upset that I cried), and considers any sign of weakness in his kids a personal insult. All this makes life more difficult than it should be.

So it's not that any of us want to cut him off (although when he's being particularly cruel, we want to do that). When he's old and decrepit, the kids will probably visit, worry and ask for news, just like any other kids. But there is a deep flaw in his ability to emotionally nurture others that does impact his relationship with his children. All the nurture comes from me, not him. They respect him and care for him at an emotional remove because he forces them to do so.
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