Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of middle ground between super-close and completely cut off. DH and I have a good relationship with both sets of parents, but we’ve had some instances where we needed to establish boundaries with both sides. MIL still whines and complains that DH and I do not call her every day, but we’ve told her point blank that we are both busy working adults with two small children, so she’ll need to content herself with one call a week unless there’s an emergency or something. She hasn’t made peace with that, but oh well. She’d probably get more calls if she wasn’t such a PITA.

We’ve never cut off our parents and probably never would, but yes, we don’t take guilt trips or crap from them, and definitely never will.

This is our approach. Sometimes even more than a week between phone calls if we really need space. Both my parents and my MIL have serious boundary issues, so we sometimes need to take more space to make it clear we aren’t going to acquiesce to guilt trips or other manipulative tactics.

But I have no interest in completely cutting them off. I do love them and don’t want to simply end our relationship, plus I’d like my child to have positive relationship ships with all of them.

I will say that financial independence and moving away has been key for both DH and I. We both have siblings who have much more volatile and unhealthy relationships with our parents, and it’s largely do with the way these siblings stayed interdependent on our parents (who themselves lack emotional maturity). It creates tons of resentment and can inhibit boundaries and honest communication.

Right now, for instance, my sister is not speaking to my parents. I do actually support her in setting some boundaries, but I also feel she created this situation for herself by being financially dependent on my parents into her 40s. She still works for them, though her DH finally does not. I’m not sure she sees how her own choices to remain dependent on them have contributed to this unhealthy dynamic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Exactly. I have told my husband this a few times. He is the authoritarian type, that does exactly the bolded. It's been a serious point of contention in our marriage. His parents did not do that with him, his brothers are not like this, so I don't know where he gets it from. He wonders why his kids are not affectionate towards him, and when we point out he can make himself extremely unpleasant, he denies ever acting that way, and accuses us of gaslighting him. This plus other red flags in the socio-communication realm have made me conclude he has mild autism, in addition to a very patriarchal view of the world.

And obviously, none of that was on display before we had kids. He has always been lovely towards his niece and nephews.

I posted the above. People who have not experienced this dynamic think in black and white and don't understand the cognitive dissonance it creates for my kids, who are sensitive to the fact that he cares for them, that he wields enormous financial power over them, and yet, who suffer because he doesn't accept that he is sometimes verbally and psychologically abusive. My husband cares for his kids: he cooks meals, brings them to doctors' appointments, looks at their grades, has saved and invested to pay for any college, even the most expensive. On paper he's a great father. But in real life, perhaps due to his Asperger's, he doesn't understand their moods, has a horror for displays of emotions (it makes him angry, which is so weird! I cried with joy at the birth of DD, and he was upset that I cried), and considers any sign of weakness in his kids a personal insult. All this makes life more difficult than it should be.

So it's not that any of us want to cut him off (although when he's being particularly cruel, we want to do that). When he's old and decrepit, the kids will probably visit, worry and ask for news, just like any other kids. But there is a deep flaw in his ability to emotionally nurture others that does impact his relationship with his children. All the nurture comes from me, not him. They respect him and care for him at an emotional remove because he forces them to do so.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, deuces kid.

Enjoy “leveraging” yourself in a studio apartment with no family support. Fact that you took to DCUM to make this pronouncement tells me you’re super mature and things are going really well for you.

The most toxic and controlling parents I know made sure their child lived alone without roommates and often living in an apartment or condo the parents owned.

+1

Anonymous wrote:This must be the same parent that allows her teen child to ignore the elderly women living in the home because she watches different tv channels.

Willfully consuming hate and racism has its consequences. Choices have consequences. Is what it is.

Anonymous wrote:Lol, deuces kid.

Enjoy “leveraging” yourself in a studio apartment with no family support. Fact that you took to DCUM to make this pronouncement tells me you’re super mature and things are going really well for you.

The most toxic and controlling parents I know made sure their child lived alone without roommates and often living in an apartment or condo the parents owned.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, deuces kid.

Enjoy “leveraging” yourself in a studio apartment with no family support. Fact that you took to DCUM to make this pronouncement tells me you’re super mature and things are going really well for you.

If someone would rather struggle financially than be controlled by you, you should look in the mirror.

Weird comment. I have nothing to do with OP. I have a great relationship with both my kids and my parents.

OP just struck me as an immature ingrate. Exclaiming to the world that kids have the power to cut off their parents is just such a tantrum. I’m sure OP is in pain. Maybe hoping her parent(s) see this post? Anyway, time to grow up.

I would have never thought to cut off my parents, but kids today are much more in touch with feelings and what is considered a toxic relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, deuces kid.

Enjoy “leveraging” yourself in a studio apartment with no family support. Fact that you took to DCUM to make this pronouncement tells me you’re super mature and things are going really well for you.

If someone would rather struggle financially than be controlled by you, you should look in the mirror.

This whole "leverage" discussion reads very UMC to me anyway. Everyone in my social group and adult nieces and nephews always had to live with roommates, there was just no "parents helping so you can have a nicer apartment" - no actually I know one person who had that and I thought she was crazy spoiled.

In my circles, at least the emotional and financial stuff aren't so mixed up....

Anonymous wrote:Lol, deuces kid.

Enjoy “leveraging” yourself in a studio apartment with no family support. Fact that you took to DCUM to make this pronouncement tells me you’re super mature and things are going really well for you.

Hi mom!

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t totally cut my parents out but I keep my distance for all the reasons stated in this thread. I call them once every couple of weeks just to let them know I’m alive and let them talk to their grandkid. My parents can’t help themselves but to criticize so I keep my distance.

I’m hoping when my kid grows up we have a closer relationship.

Haha, I haven't cut my parents off at all, I think they're wonderful, and this is about the level of time they have to keep in touch.

Didn't Mark Twain address this subject some time ago ?

Anonymous wrote:Lol, deuces kid.

Enjoy “leveraging” yourself in a studio apartment with no family support. Fact that you took to DCUM to make this pronouncement tells me you’re super mature and things are going really well for you.

If someone would rather struggle financially than be controlled by you, you should look in the mirror.

I haven’t totally cut my parents out but I keep my distance for all the reasons stated in this thread. I call them once every couple of weeks just to let them know I’m alive and let them talk to their grandkid. My parents can’t help themselves but to criticize so I keep my distance.

I’m hoping when my kid grows up we have a closer relationship.

Is being cut-off a big deal? I don’t see many downsides, tbh.

Anonymous wrote:Lol, deuces kid.

Enjoy “leveraging” yourself in a studio apartment with no family support. Fact that you took to DCUM to make this pronouncement tells me you’re super mature and things are going really well for you.

I know you’d like to control your kids with your money forever, but it’s not going to work.