Reply to Am I jealous of MIL, or just frustrated?

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[quote=Anonymous]I get it OP. I’m sorry your DH has such a complicated relationship with his mom. She obviously has problems, and even if she is in a good place now, she definitely had a hard life as a teen mom. Being the child of a teen mom does a number on a person (I’m in the same boat). Their cycle of manipulation and emotional abuse will keep going until one of them dies or has had enough. It’s all they know with each other, and habits are so hard to break.

It hurts to watch someone you love get hurt by someone who should be a protector, and it’s even more painful when you see them goi g back for more. It’s exhausting when you know you’re the one who will have to do the hard work of putting the pieces back together when she breaks him again after you just spent all that time doing the same thing not long ago. Aside from the exhaustion, there’s probably also worry that eventually the pieces just won’t fit back together the right way and you’ll be helpless to fix anything. Then on top of that he’s rewarding her by taking her to lunch (or whatever he did during the visit) and you can’t even get a regular date night, much less a silly little quickie lunch on a work day. It stings when you think about how something so small could brighten your day and he doesn’t even throw you that bone.

He probably has no clue what he’s doing because it’s all so normal to him. He’s used to the cycle of fighting, withholding affection, and desperately seeking affection from her. It’s a mess. Furthermore, he probably doesn’t realize how badly he’s using you by unloading on you, because if he thinks the cycle is normal on some level, sharing it with his spouse must also be normal. Add in the perspective that he’ll see you at home for dinner so why would he seek you out for lunch, and you have the stereotypical bumbling sitcom husband/dad who isn’t in touch with his feelings, has mommy issues, and expects his wife to solve his emotional problems.

Lay it all out for him and insist on therapy. I’d do individual for both of you and couples therapy. He needs help setting boundaries with his mom and coping with the fallout of that relationship. You sound like you need help stating your needs and making sure they’re met, and setting boundaries so he’s sharing feelings with his wife, not using you as a therapist. And the couples sessions can help you stay on track with communication during such an emotional time, if you two were to start making changes with MIL and your own relationship. It’s not hopeless, but it’s tricky. If he sets boundaries with his mom and stops all that drama, there will be a bit of a void to fill, and you want to make sure he doesn’t start creating it at home while he’s feeling vulnerable and anxious. [/quote]

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