I get it OP. I’m sorry your DH has such a complicated relationship with his mom. She obviously has problems, and even if she is in a good place now, she definitely had a hard life as a teen mom. Being the child of a teen mom does a number on a person (I’m in the same boat). Their cycle of manipulation and emotional abuse will keep going until one of them dies or has had enough. It’s all they know with each other, and habits are so hard to break.

It hurts to watch someone you love get hurt by someone who should be a protector, and it’s even more painful when you see them goi g back for more. It’s exhausting when you know you’re the one who will have to do the hard work of putting the pieces back together when she breaks him again after you just spent all that time doing the same thing not long ago. Aside from the exhaustion, there’s probably also worry that eventually the pieces just won’t fit back together the right way and you’ll be helpless to fix anything. Then on top of that he’s rewarding her by taking her to lunch (or whatever he did during the visit) and you can’t even get a regular date night, much less a silly little quickie lunch on a work day. It stings when you think about how something so small could brighten your day and he doesn’t even throw you that bone.

He probably has no clue what he’s doing because it’s all so normal to him. He’s used to the cycle of fighting, withholding affection, and desperately seeking affection from her. It’s a mess. Furthermore, he probably doesn’t realize how badly he’s using you by unloading on you, because if he thinks the cycle is normal on some level, sharing it with his spouse must also be normal. Add in the perspective that he’ll see you at home for dinner so why would he seek you out for lunch, and you have the stereotypical bumbling sitcom husband/dad who isn’t in touch with his feelings, has mommy issues, and expects his wife to solve his emotional problems.

Lay it all out for him and insist on therapy. I’d do individual for both of you and couples therapy. He needs help setting boundaries with his mom and coping with the fallout of that relationship. You sound like you need help stating your needs and making sure they’re met, and setting boundaries so he’s sharing feelings with his wife, not using you as a therapist. And the couples sessions can help you stay on track with communication during such an emotional time, if you two were to start making changes with MIL and your own relationship. It’s not hopeless, but it’s tricky. If he sets boundaries with his mom and stops all that drama, there will be a bit of a void to fill, and you want to make sure he doesn’t start creating it at home while he’s feeling vulnerable and anxious.

I get it, OP.

Maybe listen with half an ear next time he is down in the dumps about her. A child (even an adult) always longs for a parent's love/acceptance. Sounds like he already has yours and doesn't need to try to work as hard for it- which is a good thing. But it likely makes you feel unappreciated at times like this.

Therapy for both of you. My best friend was in this spot (although her husband decided to cut off ties with his mom for good), but it was helpful for both of them to talk to someone. Him, so he could hear from a professional how he needed to handle his mom, and her so she could hear from someone what it was ok to do and what it was ok to not do.

Sorry you're in this boat, but seriously, talking to someone for each of you would be really helpful here.

OP you sound immature, in the same way as you describe your MIL. Maybe that's why your DH chose you.

My MIL is completely insane, fortunately she adopted my DH but I do sometimes wonder if he can only tolerate me and my moodiness because he was raised by a mentally deranged woman who he tolerated. I'm not joking.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why everyone is being so hard on OP.

OP, it’s okay that you are frustrated with your DH’s endless cycle of trying to make him mom into someone she isn’t and then you have to help pick up the pieces time and time again when the same thing happens.

I think it’s worth some dialogue with your husband when it’s NOT in the middle of drama with his mom about what he hopes their relationship will be like, what keeps them from having that, how he feels about this relating cycle, etc. It really does sound like he needs therapy on how to move past his childhood and the fact that his mom will NEVER be who he hopes she will be.

Me, neither.

It's just another thread hijacked by the mean girls who make ridiculous assumptions. There's a way to give feedback without declaring that the OP's "nuts" or a "dumbazz," etc.

You probably aren’t jealous but annoyed at how high maintenance she is and how this cuts into family time etc.

I can somewhat relate. I am not a birthday person for myself. I really do not care. If I have a work trip, kids sports game, kid party etc I do not care about not celebrating it. I hate hallmark cards and buy what I want for myself when I want or need it , I don’t want gifts. My MIL pops into town always giving very little notice and we are all scrambling to cart her annoying butt all over for a zillion errands listening to her yap all the way. One of these lovely visits landed on my birthday and I was so pissed that DH and I were trading off dealing with her and schlepping her around everywhere. I just couldn’t believe I was putting up with her nonsense on my birthday but in reality I was just sick of her nonsense, it had nothing to do with my birthday.

People are so mean on this board. I think OP shouldn’t be the only sounding board for her DH. There problems aren’t getting resolved, they are like Groundhog Day. He is the one that could use some therapy.

It would bother me too OP. It sounds like you do a lot for your DH and his mother does very little, and yet he goes out of his way to make time for her, while doing very little to connect with you.

Putting aside the weird mother-son relationship (I don’t know how to help you with that) you should absolutely try to renew the 1:1 connection with your spouse. My DH is clueless about planning dates and surprises, but he likes hanging out and chatting with me after the kids go to bed. I have accepted that when I want a date, I need to plan it and tell him when/where to show up. And in turn, though my preference is to read a book alone after the kids go to bed, I make time to talk to him first.

All of you need therapy.

Wow, people (or one person?) are being really mean to OP. She is entitled to feel however she is feeling, and I think it’s very mature of her to *want* to figure out why she feels the way she does. I get it, op, I would be hurt too. His mom sounds so draining and drama filled, but yet he goes back to her time and time again while you serve as a stable, consistent source of comfort and support. I think your own therapist would be beneficial, and definitely walk away from the drama going forward. Next time the estrangement happens, suggest that DH talk to a therapist because you just don’t have the bandwidth to repeat the same cycle over and over again.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the grannies are out in full force today - not sure why you are getting such blowback here. I'm sorry OP. I doubt you are a narcissist or emotionally stunted, etc., but it's possible you are (or act like you are) very low maintenance, and you resent that your husband chose to give the special surprise to your high maintenance MIL. There is some truth to the saying that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and it is reasonable to resent your husband for giving special treatment to his mother that he doesn't remember or realize that his wife also needs. Meaning, your husband probably married someone who is the opposite of his mother, who sounds exhausting, but that doesn't mean that he can neglect his duty to support and spend time with you.

I’m sorry that your life is so boring that a lunch on a weekday because someone happens to be on your side of town is a “special surprise.” I’m not a granny and I’m 99.9% a DIL supporter when it comes to Family Relationships threads. But in this particular case, OP lost me with whole “missed opportunity to surprise me” narrative. What a load.

I feel like the grannies are out in full force today - not sure why you are getting such blowback here. I'm sorry OP. I doubt you are a narcissist or emotionally stunted, etc., but it's possible you are (or act like you are) very low maintenance, and you resent that your husband chose to give the special surprise to your high maintenance MIL. There is some truth to the saying that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and it is reasonable to resent your husband for giving special treatment to his mother that he doesn't remember or realize that his wife also needs. Meaning, your husband probably married someone who is the opposite of his mother, who sounds exhausting, but that doesn't mean that he can neglect his duty to support and spend time with you.

Sounds like he married his mother. Narc.