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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. Most of the responses to this post are extremely disappointing and kinda dangerous. I have been looking into support resources for parents of LGBTQ kids, such as the Trevor Project. They all say that the feelings I am experiencing are ok and very common. It’s not about homophobia. It’s the fact that they now belong in an oppressed and marginalized group. I worry about hate crimes and discrimination. And yes, I have had a “movie reel” in my head if what their lives might be like. We all have, whether you can admit it or not. The reality is looking much different. It’s ok for that to take time to adjust to. This is verified by people much more educated than dcum on the subject.

I’ve known about my son for a long time and am definitely getting more used to the idea. It is easier to picture him with a boyfriend than it was in the beginning.

I do worry that my daughter is being influenced by people at school and the bad luck she has had with guys. Her college town is very liberal and most people she knows are gay, bi, or pan. She has had some very intense crushes on guys. When she has been hurt by these guys, she really leans into being bi. If she is convincing herself she’s bi as a coping mechanism, I’m not sure that’s healthy.

Anyway, some if you really need to figure out how to be more helpful next time someone expresses their struggles. Jeez. Not at all helpful to kick someone when they already feel down. Some of you with LGBTQ kids who claim to have never given it a second thought are likely in denial of their own feelings. [/quote]

Worrying about safety isn’t homophobic. Saying you think she’s being influenced by friends or taking a really long time to come around to the idea of your child being gay probably are. Adjusting to your child not matching the photo in your mind is valid, but being sad for an extended period about it or feeling like you’re being injured by the changes probably are rooted in homophobia. You can experience common, surprising, and acceptable feelings while also having other thoughts and feelings that come from a really negative place. [/quote]

According to resources I found through The Trevor Project, the majority of parents take a long time to adjust. Two years after finding out, they feel the same as when they first found out. There are a lot of factors that make it difficult that are not homophobic. My son goes to a pretty conservative HS. I really worried about what that would be like for him. It has been fine so far, but it concerned me. Please don’t act like you are in a position to judge. You have no clue what you are talking about. [/quote]

Why do you think I don’t know what I’m talking about? I’ve been there. I do judge parents who don’t accept their lgbtq kids, and especially the ones who blame kids at school for their child not being cishet. My kids are lgbtq and hear those comments, sometimes from their friends repeating what their parents say, and know that a) they’re not being accepted and b) that people think being lgbtq is so bad their child must be coerced into it AND that my child is being considered one of the bad influences for existing as someone who is openly lgbtq, and c) their friend is hurting because their parents are struggling to accept who they are. Imagine your kid coming home and finding out that their friend is dealing with that and your child is being part of their support group, knowing they’re not only being judged by an adult who’s taking the typical 2-5 years of not being homophobic but also not liking that their child is gay, but they’re also trying to help that judgy person’s child feel better after judgy person hurts them. Even when people think they’re hiding their disappointment over gay children, it shows and kids can tell.

The study you’re referring to says 5 years after their child coming out is the time frame with the highest number of accepting parents. The lead author says a lot of things can influence that slow acceptance. In the his words: Two years is a very long time in the life of a child who is faced with the stress of a disapproving or rejecting parent. The researchers have also created a website to help parents learn to accept their lgbtq child, because mental health issues including depression and suicide are more common for kids whose parents aren’t supportive. They don’t suggest that having a gay child makes one immune to homophobia, nor do they recommend slow rolling the acceptance of gay kids.

From the article with an interview of the author of the study PP references about it taking 2 years to accept gay kids. The study is saying it might be common, but it’s better for everyone if it doesn’t happen.  https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/06/190618224055.htm

[quote]Previous research by this team suggests that if parents reject their child or react negatively -- even for a few years -- it takes a toll on the parent-child relationship. Negative parenting behaviors run the gamut from mild disapproval to outright rejection. Huebner's research and other studies suggest such behavior puts the child at high risk of depression, suicide, substance abuse and other health risks.

Still, Huebner says most parents, even those in shock when first learning the news, care deeply about their children and eventually do adjust.

"Our results suggest interventions to speed up the adjustment process would help not only the parents but also their children," Huebner said. "LGB youth with accepting families are more likely to thrive as they enter adulthood."[/quote]

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