Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you “sad”about?

No wants their children to have a hard life. Being gay means being subjected to tons of discrimination. It’s ok to be sad about that.

I’ve been out since I was in college, nearly 25 years ago. Married, 3 kids and I live in DC proper. The world is far from perfect and I won’t say that I never happens, but I very rarely encounter discrimination.

Admittedly I am a white successful wealthy man with lots of power and privilege married to another white successful wealthy man with 3 white kids whom are genetically related to to us. But the discrimination that I see in my day to day life is basically zero. And, of course, we don’t do stupid things like spend large amounts of time in Trump land.

Anonymous wrote:What exactly are you “sad”about?

No wants their children to have a hard life. Being gay means being subjected to tons of discrimination. It’s ok to be sad about that.

Look at the positive? My 18 year old just told me last week that she has started dating a girl. This is the first indication of her not being hetero, even to her, but she is so happy. I always knew this was a possibility in general and faced with it I was thrilled to find that it didn't matter at all to me, just as it didn't in theory. I found myself relieved of the accidental pregnancy stress I'd been carrying since she became sexually active and had a long-term boyfriend of a couple of years. I told her as long as she is safe, happy and it doesn't cost me money, I don't care about anything else. In general, not just in relationships.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Most of the responses to this post are extremely disappointing and kinda dangerous. I have been looking into support resources for parents of LGBTQ kids, such as the Trevor Project. They all say that the feelings I am experiencing are ok and very common. It’s not about homophobia. It’s the fact that they now belong in an oppressed and marginalized group. I worry about hate crimes and discrimination. And yes, I have had a “movie reel” in my head if what their lives might be like. We all have, whether you can admit it or not. The reality is looking much different. It’s ok for that to take time to adjust to. This is verified by people much more educated than dcum on the subject.

I’ve known about my son for a long time and am definitely getting more used to the idea. It is easier to picture him with a boyfriend than it was in the beginning.

I do worry that my daughter is being influenced by people at school and the bad luck she has had with guys. Her college town is very liberal and most people she knows are gay, bi, or pan. She has had some very intense crushes on guys. When she has been hurt by these guys, she really leans into being bi. If she is convincing herself she’s bi as a coping mechanism, I’m not sure that’s healthy.

Anyway, some if you really need to figure out how to be more helpful next time someone expresses their struggles. Jeez. Not at all helpful to kick someone when they already feel down. Some of you with LGBTQ kids who claim to have never given it a second thought are likely in denial of their own feelings.

Worrying about safety isn’t homophobic. Saying you think she’s being influenced by friends or taking a really long time to come around to the idea of your child being gay probably are. Adjusting to your child not matching the photo in your mind is valid, but being sad for an extended period about it or feeling like you’re being injured by the changes probably are rooted in homophobia. You can experience common, surprising, and acceptable feelings while also having other thoughts and feelings that come from a really negative place.

According to resources I found through The Trevor Project, the majority of parents take a long time to adjust. Two years after finding out, they feel the same as when they first found out. There are a lot of factors that make it difficult that are not homophobic. My son goes to a pretty conservative HS. I really worried about what that would be like for him. It has been fine so far, but it concerned me. Please don’t act like you are in a position to judge. You have no clue what you are talking about.

Why do you think I don’t know what I’m talking about? I’ve been there. I do judge parents who don’t accept their lgbtq kids, and especially the ones who blame kids at school for their child not being cishet. My kids are lgbtq and hear those comments, sometimes from their friends repeating what their parents say, and know that a) they’re not being accepted and b) that people think being lgbtq is so bad their child must be coerced into it AND that my child is being considered one of the bad influences for existing as someone who is openly lgbtq, and c) their friend is hurting because their parents are struggling to accept who they are. Imagine your kid coming home and finding out that their friend is dealing with that and your child is being part of their support group, knowing they’re not only being judged by an adult who’s taking the typical 2-5 years of not being homophobic but also not liking that their child is gay, but they’re also trying to help that judgy person’s child feel better after judgy person hurts them. Even when people think they’re hiding their disappointment over gay children, it shows and kids can tell.

The study you’re referring to says 5 years after their child coming out is the time frame with the highest number of accepting parents. The lead author says a lot of things can influence that slow acceptance. In the his words: Two years is a very long time in the life of a child who is faced with the stress of a disapproving or rejecting parent. The researchers have also created a website to help parents learn to accept their lgbtq child, because mental health issues including depression and suicide are more common for kids whose parents aren’t supportive. They don’t suggest that having a gay child makes one immune to homophobia, nor do they recommend slow rolling the acceptance of gay kids.

From the article with an interview of the author of the study PP references about it taking 2 years to accept gay kids. The study is saying it might be common, but it’s better for everyone if it doesn’t happen. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/06/190618224055.htm

Previous research by this team suggests that if parents reject their child or react negatively -- even for a few years -- it takes a toll on the parent-child relationship. Negative parenting behaviors run the gamut from mild disapproval to outright rejection. Huebner's research and other studies suggest such behavior puts the child at high risk of depression, suicide, substance abuse and other health risks.

Still, Huebner says most parents, even those in shock when first learning the news, care deeply about their children and eventually do adjust.

"Our results suggest interventions to speed up the adjustment process would help not only the parents but also their children," Huebner said. "LGB youth with accepting families are more likely to thrive as they enter adulthood."

This is normal. PLEASE GO TO P-FLAG! Yes, even if you’re not a “group type.” P-FLAG is for people who said they’d never be group types! These are people who have been exactly where you are and they will hear all your secrets and validate you and wrap you in a gigantic hug and live with you through every little up and down. Go to P-FLAG!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Most of the responses to this post are extremely disappointing and kinda dangerous. I have been looking into support resources for parents of LGBTQ kids, such as the Trevor Project. They all say that the feelings I am experiencing are ok and very common. It’s not about homophobia. It’s the fact that they now belong in an oppressed and marginalized group. I worry about hate crimes and discrimination. And yes, I have had a “movie reel” in my head if what their lives might be like. We all have, whether you can admit it or not. The reality is looking much different. It’s ok for that to take time to adjust to. This is verified by people much more educated than dcum on the subject.

I’ve known about my son for a long time and am definitely getting more used to the idea. It is easier to picture him with a boyfriend than it was in the beginning.

I do worry that my daughter is being influenced by people at school and the bad luck she has had with guys. Her college town is very liberal and most people she knows are gay, bi, or pan. She has had some very intense crushes on guys. When she has been hurt by these guys, she really leans into being bi. If she is convincing herself she’s bi as a coping mechanism, I’m not sure that’s healthy.

Anyway, some if you really need to figure out how to be more helpful next time someone expresses their struggles. Jeez. Not at all helpful to kick someone when they already feel down. Some of you with LGBTQ kids who claim to have never given it a second thought are likely in denial of their own feelings.

Worrying about safety isn’t homophobic. Saying you think she’s being influenced by friends or taking a really long time to come around to the idea of your child being gay probably are. Adjusting to your child not matching the photo in your mind is valid, but being sad for an extended period about it or feeling like you’re being injured by the changes probably are rooted in homophobia. You can experience common, surprising, and acceptable feelings while also having other thoughts and feelings that come from a really negative place.

According to resources I found through The Trevor Project, the majority of parents take a long time to adjust. Two years after finding out, they feel the same as when they first found out. There are a lot of factors that make it difficult that are not homophobic. My son goes to a pretty conservative HS. I really worried about what that would be like for him. It has been fine so far, but it concerned me. Please don’t act like you are in a position to judge. You have no clue what you are talking about.

Ignore the insecure pile-oners OP. Your feelings are understandable and as old as time. Tangentially, I think lesbian DDs are harder for moms than gay DSs, partly because moms naturally relate to daughters more than sons.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Most of the responses to this post are extremely disappointing and kinda dangerous. I have been looking into support resources for parents of LGBTQ kids, such as the Trevor Project. They all say that the feelings I am experiencing are ok and very common. It’s not about homophobia. It’s the fact that they now belong in an oppressed and marginalized group. I worry about hate crimes and discrimination. And yes, I have had a “movie reel” in my head if what their lives might be like. We all have, whether you can admit it or not. The reality is looking much different. It’s ok for that to take time to adjust to. This is verified by people much more educated than dcum on the subject.

I’ve known about my son for a long time and am definitely getting more used to the idea. It is easier to picture him with a boyfriend than it was in the beginning.

I do worry that my daughter is being influenced by people at school and the bad luck she has had with guys. Her college town is very liberal and most people she knows are gay, bi, or pan. She has had some very intense crushes on guys. When she has been hurt by these guys, she really leans into being bi. If she is convincing herself she’s bi as a coping mechanism, I’m not sure that’s healthy.

Anyway, some if you really need to figure out how to be more helpful next time someone expresses their struggles. Jeez. Not at all helpful to kick someone when they already feel down. Some of you with LGBTQ kids who claim to have never given it a second thought are likely in denial of their own feelings.

Worrying about safety isn’t homophobic. Saying you think she’s being influenced by friends or taking a really long time to come around to the idea of your child being gay probably are. Adjusting to your child not matching the photo in your mind is valid, but being sad for an extended period about it or feeling like you’re being injured by the changes probably are rooted in homophobia. You can experience common, surprising, and acceptable feelings while also having other thoughts and feelings that come from a really negative place.

NP and I agree with this. I say this kindly, and not to pile on or make you feel bad, OP, but a reaction can be common and expected and also the product of homophobia. That time it is taking to adjust to who your kids are compared to who you expected them to be, and the disappointment at letting go of the life you’d thought they would have—that seems to come at least in part from a sense that you’d rather your kids not be gay. I believe you don’t want to be homophobic, but resisting the possibility that that may be part of what is going on doesn’t strike me as a good way to come to terms with it and move past it. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It does mean you have probably internalized some anti-gay societal norms that you’re working to overcome.

Anonymous wrote:Over 80% of women who identify as bisexual get primarily into long term relationships and marriages with men.

I can't find the stat right now but there is also a decent number of women who identify as bisexual who have never had a romantic and sexual relationship with another women. They find women attractive and have crushes on them and maybe kissed someone but it doesn't go much beyond that for some.

It sounds like your kids are still young. Sexual orientation identity changes a fair amount across the teen years before stabilizing mostly by 19 and even more so by 21.

Let them be who they are now and know that teen exploration and identity is not necessarily indicative of adult identity.

This is true for a few reasons. First, it’s a spectrum. A person can mostly be straight but sometimes attracted someone of the same gender. Not everyone that’s bi is 50/50. Many people are more like 70/30. Second, many women want generic children and if you’re bi, it’s easier with a man. Third, society is literally built for straight people. It’s just easier to navigate live as an apartment cishet couple. Two people holding hands, when they’re straight, is no big deal. Holding hands when you’re in a WLW couple? Many people still make comments or give looks. Even in the DMV. It’s a lot less common here than other places but people will literally pass you on the street and say “lesbians” out loud as you pass them. Or people would stare at you. Gay people don’t walk past straight people holding hands and say “straights” just loud enough for them to hear.

Over 80% of women who identify as bisexual get primarily into long term relationships and marriages with men.

I can't find the stat right now but there is also a decent number of women who identify as bisexual who have never had a romantic and sexual relationship with another women. They find women attractive and have crushes on them and maybe kissed someone but it doesn't go much beyond that for some.

It sounds like your kids are still young. Sexual orientation identity changes a fair amount across the teen years before stabilizing mostly by 19 and even more so by 21.

Let them be who they are now and know that teen exploration and identity is not necessarily indicative of adult identity.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Most of the responses to this post are extremely disappointing and kinda dangerous. I have been looking into support resources for parents of LGBTQ kids, such as the Trevor Project. They all say that the feelings I am experiencing are ok and very common. It’s not about homophobia. It’s the fact that they now belong in an oppressed and marginalized group. I worry about hate crimes and discrimination. And yes, I have had a “movie reel” in my head if what their lives might be like. We all have, whether you can admit it or not. The reality is looking much different. It’s ok for that to take time to adjust to. This is verified by people much more educated than dcum on the subject.

I’ve known about my son for a long time and am definitely getting more used to the idea. It is easier to picture him with a boyfriend than it was in the beginning.

I do worry that my daughter is being influenced by people at school and the bad luck she has had with guys. Her college town is very liberal and most people she knows are gay, bi, or pan. She has had some very intense crushes on guys. When she has been hurt by these guys, she really leans into being bi. If she is convincing herself she’s bi as a coping mechanism, I’m not sure that’s healthy.

Anyway, some if you really need to figure out how to be more helpful next time someone expresses their struggles. Jeez. Not at all helpful to kick someone when they already feel down. Some of you with LGBTQ kids who claim to have never given it a second thought are likely in denial of their own feelings.

Worrying about safety isn’t homophobic. Saying you think she’s being influenced by friends or taking a really long time to come around to the idea of your child being gay probably are. Adjusting to your child not matching the photo in your mind is valid, but being sad for an extended period about it or feeling like you’re being injured by the changes probably are rooted in homophobia. You can experience common, surprising, and acceptable feelings while also having other thoughts and feelings that come from a really negative place.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Most of the responses to this post are extremely disappointing and kinda dangerous. I have been looking into support resources for parents of LGBTQ kids, such as the Trevor Project. They all say that the feelings I am experiencing are ok and very common. It’s not about homophobia. It’s the fact that they now belong in an oppressed and marginalized group. I worry about hate crimes and discrimination. And yes, I have had a “movie reel” in my head if what their lives might be like. We all have, whether you can admit it or not. The reality is looking much different. It’s ok for that to take time to adjust to. This is verified by people much more educated than dcum on the subject.

I’ve known about my son for a long time and am definitely getting more used to the idea. It is easier to picture him with a boyfriend than it was in the beginning.

I do worry that my daughter is being influenced by people at school and the bad luck she has had with guys. Her college town is very liberal and most people she knows are gay, bi, or pan. She has had some very intense crushes on guys. When she has been hurt by these guys, she really leans into being bi. If she is convincing herself she’s bi as a coping mechanism, I’m not sure that’s healthy.

Anyway, some if you really need to figure out how to be more helpful next time someone expresses their struggles. Jeez. Not at all helpful to kick someone when they already feel down. Some of you with LGBTQ kids who claim to have never given it a second thought are likely in denial of their own feelings.

The bolded part is just wrong. Someone can't influence another person to be attracted to the same gender. A lot of people experiment in college. If she's straight, she'll get out of college and date only men. A straight person doesn't become bi or gay because of influences by other people. That's not how sexuality works.

Op here. Most of the responses to this post are extremely disappointing and kinda dangerous. I have been looking into support resources for parents of LGBTQ kids, such as the Trevor Project. They all say that the feelings I am experiencing are ok and very common. It’s not about homophobia. It’s the fact that they now belong in an oppressed and marginalized group. I worry about hate crimes and discrimination. And yes, I have had a “movie reel” in my head if what their lives might be like. We all have, whether you can admit it or not. The reality is looking much different. It’s ok for that to take time to adjust to. This is verified by people much more educated than dcum on the subject.

I’ve known about my son for a long time and am definitely getting more used to the idea. It is easier to picture him with a boyfriend than it was in the beginning.

I do worry that my daughter is being influenced by people at school and the bad luck she has had with guys. Her college town is very liberal and most people she knows are gay, bi, or pan. She has had some very intense crushes on guys. When she has been hurt by these guys, she really leans into being bi. If she is convincing herself she’s bi as a coping mechanism, I’m not sure that’s healthy.

Anyway, some if you really need to figure out how to be more helpful next time someone expresses their struggles. Jeez. Not at all helpful to kick someone when they already feel down. Some of you with LGBTQ kids who claim to have never given it a second thought are likely in denial of their own feelings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have zero interest in my child's sexual life. Apart from I hope they are healthy, happy, treated well.... The only people whose sexual life I am interested in are people I am romantically attracted to. What any body else does is of NO interest to me.
Your child is a soul, wrapped in a body. The genitals of the body are irrelevant. As is how your child chooses to enjoy their flesh or enjoy it with other people.

I wish you could just focus on what's important - loving the person you love, and not caring about their flesh (beyond health) or relationships. I mean really, what difference does it make?

Perhaps, but would OP feel sad if her kid were marrying someone of a different race? That, too, makes life more difficult and yet I don’t think OP would feel the same way. I think OP is right to be ashamed of her feelings and good on her for realizing she should work to change them, it’s for her kids’ and her sake. The stakes are too high (to their relationship) to complacently say, it’s my feelings, so it’s fiiiiiiiine, it’s not about homophobia at all…sorry, but that’s bullshit. OP, you’re on the right track; keep working on it. It will pay off in the long run, no matter who your kids end up with.

Feeling shame about your child's queer identity when you would not feel that shame for them being straight is homophobia.

NP. Right, that’s what PP is saying. They’re saying it’s bullshit to deny that it’s about homophobia.

You all are being really harsh. She started this post because she loves her kids and wants to do and be better. Is this really helping? You have anger about this, and that may be justifiable, but I really wish you could be helpful without being so aggressive.

NP. Maybe people are getting tired of holding the hands of people who are supposed to love their kids unconditionally while they come to terms with their homophobia and coddling them while they work to tolerate the gays.

I'm a parent of two LGBTQ kids, 17 & 20, one of each gender. I am struggling to empathize with OP. I just don't understand why it would affect someone's feelings toward her children, aside from being homophobic. If it were an interracial relationship she weren't comfortable with, I'd be equally unsympathetic about OP having trouble accepting it.

OP really needs to figure this out, because unless she's a wonderful actor, the kids will be able to tell she's unhappy. That's going to suck for them, and it's going to affect her relationship with them and her kids' partners. I think the therapy suggestion could be helpful.

Nowhere did op say that it affects her feelings toward her kids.She’s disappointed in herself, she makes that clear.
My best friends daughter is gay and she had a hard time with it. Then her daughter got a girlfriend and my friend was surprised at how happy she was when her daughter got a girlfriend. She loved seeing her daughter so happy. So there’s that.

A gay person finds a partner and the straight people are surprised that they're happy. There's some degree of homophobia in there whether you want to admit it or not. It should come as no surprise to anyone that they would be happy when they start dating a new person. Gay people are literally the same as straight people. That's also what's wrong with the OP. You can defend her all day long but it's absolutely some degree of light homophobia, even if she realizes it's wrong. It's how she feels. It's not a tragedy to have gay kids. It's fine. We're literally normal people trying to live normal lives.

Agreed, There is. And the mom, my friend, realized that. But she is evolving, can we focus on that?

I understand.