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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My sister is you OP.

She has a 13-year-old DD that she hates with a passion. And boy does my neice know she's known since she was around five.

I am saying this with kindness, she did this to her child. She is the problem She refuses to understand all the situations that lead to her child hating her.

No one ever said parenting was easy and every child is different.

In my sisters case she wanted a petite cheerleader popular daughter, what she got was a daughter that looks exactly like her dad and has a personality like him or his family. A nerd a lovely funny smart loving nerd.

I am just letting you know you are not the only one feeling this way however you need help working through this you are the parent your child is a child.

This behavior was caused by you.[/quote]

Her grandmother was dropped off at an orphanage due to combative behavior.  Her mother, so the great-grandmother, was shipped away by her parents at age 16.  It ain't me.[/quote]

So your great grandmother was "shipped away" by her own parents at 16. So probably she didn't get a lot of love and guidance from them. Then she had her own child. Is it any surprise that she was so overwhelmed by parenting that child (having not been properly parented herself), that she gave up and left her at an orphanage. It is so hard to parent when you haven't really grown up yourself, and have no support from your own family.

Then this woman, who was abandoned by her mother, who was abandoned by her parents, raised you. That is a lot to take on. I would venture that you have your own scars from childhood. I wonder if when your child entered the normal developmental phase of pushing back and saying "no" at age 2 (ALL children go through this, it is pretty much universal), it triggered some memories from your own childhood of not being listened to, not being heard, and you started parenting from that wounded place of a child who didn't get what she needed, instead of an adult  who understands that her role is to shepherd this child into understanding of boundaries and limits and self-reliance. You didn't get that kind of guidance, and then you were in the position of needing to provide it to someone else. It is a tough situation.

I say this with love, as someone who has similar generational scars in my own family. I had to learn to re-parent myself in order to be the parent my own child needs. It is hard. But when you do it, it's so powerful. When I show my DD unconditional love and give to her what I did not receive from my own parents as a child (understanding, empathy, patience, accountability), it almost feels like I am also giving it to myself. And now my DD is not this combative, angry child. She is happy and secure because she feels loved and safe in her home. We have broken the the chain of poor parenting and emotional immaturity. It is the single greatest achievement of my life, even though it is invisible to many people because they take it for granted that children will have loving parents. You and I know that's not always true, don't we?

It is not to late for you or your daughter. I think therapy, parenting classes, and a new perspective on what your daughter needs from you is what is in order. Your daughter is not genetically predisposed to be difficult. And you aren't wholly to blame for the situation either. You are both trapped in a generational trauma and you both need love and understanding. As the adult, though, the responsibility to find a way out of this dynamic lies with you. Sign up for a parenting class. See where it leads. Try talking to someone about your own childhood and how it might impact how you parent your DD. Just give it a shot. Things can't get worse, right? This might make it better. I've been where you are. It helped me.

Good luck to you and to your DD.[/quote]

This, OP.  Get help for you, also get help for your daughter, separately - and maybe marriage counseling, so DH can step up.  The latter is important, because if your DH comes from an unhealthy family (mentally ill and/or triangulation, narcissism, I could go on) then you need to work together.  If DH works against you, you can give up on him, but not your daughter. She needs you.

My best friend had this situation and her tween DD broke her nose, over basically nothing, while her DH sat right there and watched, and did nothing. She will never look at that man the same again - his family has enormous problems that she could never begin to solve, or even understand, and he grew up in a hostile household, so this was normal for him.  Drama and strife and triangulation ruled the day for him, he knew no different. My friend got help for herself, and also separately for her daughter. They needed someone to look out for them, and it wasn't her DH (who is also the DD's father!). He was of no use, because of his negative background.

Stay safe, create loving boundaries, and get help. You got this, OP. [/quote]

These above 2 posts are really the best advice I've seen on DCUM in ages, on any topic, but especially this one. Clear, absolutely true (I work with therapists and families in crisis), and honestly, if OP comes here and replies to some messages but not to these, OP either doesn't really want help or is a troll.  OP this is the most relevant productive advice you're gonna get on DCUM.  What do you think about what's been said in these 2 posts?
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