Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 15:45     Subject: No positive moments with hateful DD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My sister is you OP.

She has a 13-year-old DD that she hates with a passion. And boy does my neice know she's known since she was around five.

I am saying this with kindness, she did this to her child. She is the problem She refuses to understand all the situations that lead to her child hating her.

No one ever said parenting was easy and every child is different.

In my sisters case she wanted a petite cheerleader popular daughter, what she got was a daughter that looks exactly like her dad and has a personality like him or his family. A nerd a lovely funny smart loving nerd.

I am just letting you know you are not the only one feeling this way however you need help working through this you are the parent your child is a child.

This behavior was caused by you.


Her grandmother was dropped off at an orphanage due to combative behavior. Her mother, so the great-grandmother, was shipped away by her parents at age 16. It ain't me.


This has to be a troll. You don't accept any responsibility at all for how your family got into this situation? How do you explain how she behaves with others?


What is your problem? This is not a troll just because you cannot fathom the traumas that other people have been through? My family history (of my father and back) would make your toes curl, not in a good way.

OP is here TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE and fix this situation. You are not helping. And you are an awful person for piling on like this. Be helpful or GTFOH.


How is she trying to be responsible? She gave up on therapy after 2 times and wants to pack her kid off to a relative. She is not seeking a new diagnosis or pursuing any other therapy. She refuses to acknowledge she (OP) played any role in getting where they are and its only the daughter's fault.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 15:43     Subject: No positive moments with hateful DD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DD hates me. She is hostile with me, like yells back at me if I interact with her, unless she is asking me for something, and sometimes she is violent. I never want to be around her. She has been this way since age 2, now age 12. Combative with me from the moment she wakes up, but not with others. I am at the point today that I would consider sending her to live with an aunt or grandparent if they would take her because she clearly hates me. Any other moms have this experience? Any insights? I tried therapy twice for her, but went nowhere.


Have you tried therapy for yourself?


+1

OP this post made my stomach hurt. Please get some therapy for yourself, even maybe read the parenting book good inside so you can understand attachment theory and how to repair the relationship. You need to remember she is a child is a good kid having a hard time.

“Understanding that we’re all good inside is what allows you to distinguish a person (your child) from a behavior (rudeness, hitting, saying, “I hate you”). Differentiating who someone is from what they do is key to creating interventions that preserve your relationship while also leading to impactful change.”

“many parents see behavior as the measure of who our kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need.”

Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 15:42     Subject: No positive moments with hateful DD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My sister is you OP.

She has a 13-year-old DD that she hates with a passion. And boy does my neice know she's known since she was around five.

I am saying this with kindness, she did this to her child. She is the problem She refuses to understand all the situations that lead to her child hating her.

No one ever said parenting was easy and every child is different.

In my sisters case she wanted a petite cheerleader popular daughter, what she got was a daughter that looks exactly like her dad and has a personality like him or his family. A nerd a lovely funny smart loving nerd.

I am just letting you know you are not the only one feeling this way however you need help working through this you are the parent your child is a child.

This behavior was caused by you.


Her grandmother was dropped off at an orphanage due to combative behavior. Her mother, so the great-grandmother, was shipped away by her parents at age 16. It ain't me.


So your great grandmother was "shipped away" by her own parents at 16. So probably she didn't get a lot of love and guidance from them. Then she had her own child. Is it any surprise that she was so overwhelmed by parenting that child (having not been properly parented herself), that she gave up and left her at an orphanage. It is so hard to parent when you haven't really grown up yourself, and have no support from your own family.

Then this woman, who was abandoned by her mother, who was abandoned by her parents, raised you. That is a lot to take on. I would venture that you have your own scars from childhood. I wonder if when your child entered the normal developmental phase of pushing back and saying "no" at age 2 (ALL children go through this, it is pretty much universal), it triggered some memories from your own childhood of not being listened to, not being heard, and you started parenting from that wounded place of a child who didn't get what she needed, instead of an adult who understands that her role is to shepherd this child into understanding of boundaries and limits and self-reliance. You didn't get that kind of guidance, and then you were in the position of needing to provide it to someone else. It is a tough situation.

I say this with love, as someone who has similar generational scars in my own family. I had to learn to re-parent myself in order to be the parent my own child needs. It is hard. But when you do it, it's so powerful. When I show my DD unconditional love and give to her what I did not receive from my own parents as a child (understanding, empathy, patience, accountability), it almost feels like I am also giving it to myself. And now my DD is not this combative, angry child. She is happy and secure because she feels loved and safe in her home. We have broken the the chain of poor parenting and emotional immaturity. It is the single greatest achievement of my life, even though it is invisible to many people because they take it for granted that children will have loving parents. You and I know that's not always true, don't we?

It is not to late for you or your daughter. I think therapy, parenting classes, and a new perspective on what your daughter needs from you is what is in order. Your daughter is not genetically predisposed to be difficult. And you aren't wholly to blame for the situation either. You are both trapped in a generational trauma and you both need love and understanding. As the adult, though, the responsibility to find a way out of this dynamic lies with you. Sign up for a parenting class. See where it leads. Try talking to someone about your own childhood and how it might impact how you parent your DD. Just give it a shot. Things can't get worse, right? This might make it better. I've been where you are. It helped me.

Good luck to you and to your DD.


+1

This, OP. Get help for you, also get help for your daughter, separately - and maybe marriage counseling, so DH can step up. The latter is important, because if your DH comes from an unhealthy family (mentally ill and/or triangulation, narcissism, I could go on) then you need to work together. If DH works against you, you can give up on him, but not your daughter. She needs you.

My best friend had this situation and her tween DD broke her nose, over basically nothing, while her DH sat right there and watched, and did nothing. She will never look at that man the same again - his family has enormous problems that she could never begin to solve, or even understand, and he grew up in a hostile household, so this was normal for him. Drama and strife and triangulation ruled the day for him, he knew no different. My friend got help for herself, and also separately for her daughter. They needed someone to look out for them, and it wasn't her DH (who is also the DD's father!). He was of no use, because of his negative background.

Stay safe, create loving boundaries, and get help. You got this, OP.


These above 2 posts are really the best advice I've seen on DCUM in ages, on any topic, but especially this one. Clear, absolutely true (I work with therapists and families in crisis), and honestly, if OP comes here and replies to some messages but not to these, OP either doesn't really want help or is a troll. OP this is the most relevant productive advice you're gonna get on DCUM. What do you think about what's been said in these 2 posts?
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 15:38     Subject: No positive moments with hateful DD?
Anonymous wrote:My DD hates me. She is hostile with me, like yells back at me if I interact with her, unless she is asking me for something, and sometimes she is violent. I never want to be around her. She has been this way since age 2, now age 12. Combative with me from the moment she wakes up, but not with others. I am at the point today that I would consider sending her to live with an aunt or grandparent if they would take her because she clearly hates me. Any other moms have this experience? Any insights? I tried therapy twice for her, but went nowhere.


NP and haven't read any other responses, but OP I both feel for you, and I also have so many questions. 1st off are you a single mom, like where is her dad or are there any other parent-figures in her life?

Second, as someone who's worked with families in crisis for over 15 years, these behaviors come from somewhere, and whether the parent's behaviors are part of the root of the child's behaviors, or the parent's response to those behaviors is part of the root of it, she did not develop like this over 10 yrs in a vacuum. I do not say that to cast blame on you or make you feel bad; I say that because it's essential in trying to resolve this and improve her behaviors - which at 12 yrs old is STILL your responsibility and your job as her mother - you need to face the fact that a lot of choices you probably have made or ways you've treated her or responded to her have no doubt fed her challenging attitudes and behaviors.

Some kids are also born with either mental health issues that manifest in really difficult behaviors, chemical imbalances, or some kids do just have mystery emotions and behaviors that no one can explain, though those last kind where it's a total mystery are incredibly rare cases. 99.9% of the time I am working with a child or teen with really troubling behaviors, as soon as I meet the parent it's so clear where a lot of it comes from. That is just true and there's no point in sugar-coating that.

Again, this isn't about blame. It is about FIXING it as much as possible, and to do that you can't look at her as the "Evil Satan Spawn from Another Planet". She is your daughter and you two have been on this journey since birth.

So you say you tried therapy, what happened? What did the counselors tell you was going on, and what happened that made you feel it "didn't work"? What is your background and what was your relationship to your parents like? And what does she say about her behaviors, what is her explanation for them, what does she say about how she sees you?

Those are all starting questions but obviously and much more importantly, you should probably get a therapist for yourself first, and explain ALL that you've said here and see what that therapist says. It's just like what happens on airplanes during the safety instruction: They always instruct the healthy adults to put on their own oxygen masks before helping children or people who'd struggle to put it on or get off the plane. Because if you're the healthy, responsible person, you can't help yourself or anyone else if you're passed out from oxygen deprivation. Put your own mask on, get your own therapy, so you can figure out what has to happen to help your daughter and save your relationship and your sanity.

Good luck OP, and I truly hope you and your DD progress to a much better place in the coming months.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 13:56     Subject: No positive moments with hateful DD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It started at 2. Probably genetic. What misery… try cancelling her phone and internet service until she gets a job. If she does baby sitting or pet walking or cuts lawns before shes 16 she can get her phone back. If she needs it for homework drop her off at the library.


This.

Say you are tight on money and can’t afford it because her treatment of you has hurt your office performance.


Or you need the money for therapy .
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 13:18     Subject: No positive moments with hateful DD?
Anonymous wrote:It started at 2. Probably genetic. What misery… try cancelling her phone and internet service until she gets a job. If she does baby sitting or pet walking or cuts lawns before shes 16 she can get her phone back. If she needs it for homework drop her off at the library.


This.

Say you are tight on money and can’t afford it because her treatment of you has hurt your office performance.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 13:16     Subject: No positive moments with hateful DD?
It started at 2. Probably genetic. What misery… try cancelling her phone and internet service until she gets a job. If she does baby sitting or pet walking or cuts lawns before shes 16 she can get her phone back. If she needs it for homework drop her off at the library.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 12:46     Subject: No positive moments with hateful DD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My sister is you OP.

She has a 13-year-old DD that she hates with a passion. And boy does my neice know she's known since she was around five.

I am saying this with kindness, she did this to her child. She is the problem She refuses to understand all the situations that lead to her child hating her.

No one ever said parenting was easy and every child is different.

In my sisters case she wanted a petite cheerleader popular daughter, what she got was a daughter that looks exactly like her dad and has a personality like him or his family. A nerd a lovely funny smart loving nerd.

I am just letting you know you are not the only one feeling this way however you need help working through this you are the parent your child is a child.

This behavior was caused by you.


Her grandmother was dropped off at an orphanage due to combative behavior. Her mother, so the great-grandmother, was shipped away by her parents at age 16. It ain't me.


This has to be a troll. You don't accept any responsibility at all for how your family got into this situation? How do you explain how she behaves with others?


What is your problem? This is not a troll just because you cannot fathom the traumas that other people have been through? My family history (of my father and back) would make your toes curl, not in a good way.

OP is here TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE and fix this situation. You are not helping. And you are an awful person for piling on like this. Be helpful or GTFOH.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 12:43     Subject: No positive moments with hateful DD?
Anonymous wrote:My DD hates me. She is hostile with me, like yells back at me if I interact with her, unless she is asking me for something, and sometimes she is violent. I never want to be around her. She has been this way since age 2, now age 12. Combative with me from the moment she wakes up, but not with others. I am at the point today that I would consider sending her to live with an aunt or grandparent if they would take her because she clearly hates me. Any other moms have this experience? Any insights? I tried therapy twice for her, but went nowhere.


There is still time. Find another therapist and go more than twice. You quit after 2 times??? What were you expecting?

Schedule some time with just the two of you.

Do not do things for her if she is hateful and say why "No, I'm not driving you to Meet Sophie at the mall. I do not do things for people who (yells/curses/hits) me." And call her out in the moment ("You do not speak to me like that.") and disengage and deescalate. If it is really bad, she loses privileges: grounded, phone, activities, etc. She's treating you badly b/c you allow it. She's only 12 so, again, time to rein it in.

I would also stop looking at it as she "hates" you. That's taking it personally. There is something wrong for sure but there are many alternatives besides hating you.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 12:27     Subject: Re:No positive moments with hateful DD?
They way you express yourself makes me think you need a reminder that YOU are the adult in this relationship. You sound like pouty child- made at your daughter for “hating” uou so you are going to ignore her or send her away. This does not sound healthy. Maybe consider a parenting class.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 11:15     Subject: Re:No positive moments with hateful DD?
Sounds like you only interact with her at the hardest parts of the day (wake ups, getting dinner prepared, bedtime). Those are prime time for disagreement, dysregulation, and conflict. Could you pick her up from school and get some time together? Let him do those parts until this repair?

Do any activity she likes together? Get a manicure? She is feeling disconnected. Get to therapy and start to rebuild
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 11:05     Subject: No positive moments with hateful DD?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My sister is you OP.

She has a 13-year-old DD that she hates with a passion. And boy does my neice know she's known since she was around five.

I am saying this with kindness, she did this to her child. She is the problem She refuses to understand all the situations that lead to her child hating her.

No one ever said parenting was easy and every child is different.

In my sisters case she wanted a petite cheerleader popular daughter, what she got was a daughter that looks exactly like her dad and has a personality like him or his family. A nerd a lovely funny smart loving nerd.

I am just letting you know you are not the only one feeling this way however you need help working through this you are the parent your child is a child.

This behavior was caused by you.


Her grandmother was dropped off at an orphanage due to combative behavior. Her mother, so the great-grandmother, was shipped away by her parents at age 16. It ain't me.


So your great grandmother was "shipped away" by her own parents at 16. So probably she didn't get a lot of love and guidance from them. Then she had her own child. Is it any surprise that she was so overwhelmed by parenting that child (having not been properly parented herself), that she gave up and left her at an orphanage. It is so hard to parent when you haven't really grown up yourself, and have no support from your own family.

Then this woman, who was abandoned by her mother, who was abandoned by her parents, raised you. That is a lot to take on. I would venture that you have your own scars from childhood. I wonder if when your child entered the normal developmental phase of pushing back and saying "no" at age 2 (ALL children go through this, it is pretty much universal), it triggered some memories from your own childhood of not being listened to, not being heard, and you started parenting from that wounded place of a child who didn't get what she needed, instead of an adult who understands that her role is to shepherd this child into understanding of boundaries and limits and self-reliance. You didn't get that kind of guidance, and then you were in the position of needing to provide it to someone else. It is a tough situation.

I say this with love, as someone who has similar generational scars in my own family. I had to learn to re-parent myself in order to be the parent my own child needs. It is hard. But when you do it, it's so powerful. When I show my DD unconditional love and give to her what I did not receive from my own parents as a child (understanding, empathy, patience, accountability), it almost feels like I am also giving it to myself. And now my DD is not this combative, angry child. She is happy and secure because she feels loved and safe in her home. We have broken the the chain of poor parenting and emotional immaturity. It is the single greatest achievement of my life, even though it is invisible to many people because they take it for granted that children will have loving parents. You and I know that's not always true, don't we?

It is not to late for you or your daughter. I think therapy, parenting classes, and a new perspective on what your daughter needs from you is what is in order. Your daughter is not genetically predisposed to be difficult. And you aren't wholly to blame for the situation either. You are both trapped in a generational trauma and you both need love and understanding. As the adult, though, the responsibility to find a way out of this dynamic lies with you. Sign up for a parenting class. See where it leads. Try talking to someone about your own childhood and how it might impact how you parent your DD. Just give it a shot. Things can't get worse, right? This might make it better. I've been where you are. It helped me.

Good luck to you and to your DD.


+1

This, OP. Get help for you, also get help for your daughter, separately - and maybe marriage counseling, so DH can step up. The latter is important, because if your DH comes from an unhealthy family (mentally ill and/or triangulation, narcissism, I could go on) then you need to work together. If DH works against you, you can give up on him, but not your daughter. She needs you.

My best friend had this situation and her tween DD broke her nose, over basically nothing, while her DH sat right there and watched, and did nothing. She will never look at that man the same again - his family has enormous problems that she could never begin to solve, or even understand, and he grew up in a hostile household, so this was normal for him. Drama and strife and triangulation ruled the day for him, he knew no different. My friend got help for herself, and also separately for her daughter. They needed someone to look out for them, and it wasn't her DH (who is also the DD's father!). He was of no use, because of his negative background.

Stay safe, create loving boundaries, and get help. You got this, OP.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 11:04     Subject: No positive moments with hateful DD?
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you're a big part of the problem but only blame your kid. Grow up.


Op asked for help. Too bad you missed taking your "decent human being"meds today.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 10:55     Subject: No positive moments with hateful DD?
Anonymous wrote:Guys this is obviously a troll


You are right!
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2023 10:54     Subject: No positive moments with hateful DD?
Violent in what way?