Reply to MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD

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[quote=Anonymous]In the responses to this thread you can see how common it is to have anxiety that others will judge us for how we, and our progeny, present ourselves. Grandparents are two generations removed from young people so ideas of how to present ourselves have changed a lot. I know a family with a 7th grade DD who has always been a tomboy, and I remember the Grandma sighing and saying, "At least she let me curl her hair" at the 4th grade dance where her daughter wore a suit. It can be hard for grandparents (and parents, for that matter) to give up their idealized version of a grand/daughter.

But none of this is DD's issue. I'd talk to my child about the above and how it's a very common conflict in families. And I'd talk to her about her choices in how to respond. Likewise, I'd speak to MIL in the least judgmental way I could muster about how her style is perfectly normal among her friends and not something you want her to change. I'd also explain that she's under the care of a dermatologist (anyone who doesn't understand the struggles of teen acne has been living under a rock). I'd probably end the conversation saying, "I just wanted to share this with you because I know you wouldn't want DD to start spending less time with you because she's tired of the comments about her appearance." If MIL keeps ranting about how she looks sloppy I'd just keep saying, "That's not how people view it anymore." Maybe ask MIL if she ever had a conflict with her mother or grandmother about wearing slacks or something similar and help her frame the situation as an age-old generational divide.[/quote]

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