Anonymous
09/17/2022 15:14
Subject: MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
All I can tell you is that if my grandma gave me real advice on what works for acne, I’d be grateful.
Anonymous
09/17/2022 13:47
Subject: Re:MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
In the responses to this thread you can see how common it is to have anxiety that others will judge us for how we, and our progeny, present ourselves. Grandparents are two generations removed from young people so ideas of how to present ourselves have changed a lot. I know a family with a 7th grade DD who has always been a tomboy, and I remember the Grandma sighing and saying, "At least she let me curl her hair" at the 4th grade dance where her daughter wore a suit. It can be hard for grandparents (and parents, for that matter) to give up their idealized version of a grand/daughter.
But none of this is DD's issue. I'd talk to my child about the above and how it's a very common conflict in families. And I'd talk to her about her choices in how to respond. Likewise, I'd speak to MIL in the least judgmental way I could muster about how her style is perfectly normal among her friends and not something you want her to change. I'd also explain that she's under the care of a dermatologist (anyone who doesn't understand the struggles of teen acne has been living under a rock). I'd probably end the conversation saying, "I just wanted to share this with you because I know you wouldn't want DD to start spending less time with you because she's tired of the comments about her appearance." If MIL keeps ranting about how she looks sloppy I'd just keep saying, "That's not how people view it anymore." Maybe ask MIL if she ever had a conflict with her mother or grandmother about wearing slacks or something similar and help her frame the situation as an age-old generational divide.
But none of this is DD's issue. I'd talk to my child about the above and how it's a very common conflict in families. And I'd talk to her about her choices in how to respond. Likewise, I'd speak to MIL in the least judgmental way I could muster about how her style is perfectly normal among her friends and not something you want her to change. I'd also explain that she's under the care of a dermatologist (anyone who doesn't understand the struggles of teen acne has been living under a rock). I'd probably end the conversation saying, "I just wanted to share this with you because I know you wouldn't want DD to start spending less time with you because she's tired of the comments about her appearance." If MIL keeps ranting about how she looks sloppy I'd just keep saying, "That's not how people view it anymore." Maybe ask MIL if she ever had a conflict with her mother or grandmother about wearing slacks or something similar and help her frame the situation as an age-old generational divide.
Anonymous
09/17/2022 11:32
Subject: MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
Anonymous wrote:OP needs to put her slob of a daughter in a tub! She sounds like her hygiene is terrible and I’m betting OP is not the cleanest of people herself to think it’s ok her daughter stinks. Best grandma tells her to try to help before she’s bullied at school for stinking. Daughter sounds absolutely disgusting and embarrassing!
Where does it sound "like her hygiene is terrible"? The first post says she's clean and put together.
Anonymous
09/17/2022 10:58
Subject: MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
OP needs to put her slob of a daughter in a tub! She sounds like her hygiene is terrible and I’m betting OP is not the cleanest of people herself to think it’s ok her daughter stinks. Best grandma tells her to try to help before she’s bullied at school for stinking. Daughter sounds absolutely disgusting and embarrassing!
Anonymous
09/17/2022 10:15
Subject: MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
Some of these responses are ridiculous.
OP, I would pull your MIL aside and say "Carrie told me that when you want to take her shopping/buy her new skin products it's because you're embarrassed by the way she looks and want to change her. Obviously we all know that's not true, but we'd really appreciate it if you could just lay off on that for a bit to help her build her confidence."
OP, I would pull your MIL aside and say "Carrie told me that when you want to take her shopping/buy her new skin products it's because you're embarrassed by the way she looks and want to change her. Obviously we all know that's not true, but we'd really appreciate it if you could just lay off on that for a bit to help her build her confidence."
Anonymous
09/17/2022 09:41
Subject: MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
You say your child is clean and put together - just not to Grandma’s liking. In what setting is she telling your child to go shower? Pipe up and reply “Larla showered this morning. Did something happen?” Kick it back to her to explain. When she tries to get DD to shop you or DD can say “I have more than enough clothes. I think my style is more casual than yours but it works for me”
Anonymous
09/16/2022 22:02
Subject: MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
Does your DD need a shower and have Lily dirty hair? Maybe you should encourage her to shower daily and buy a good shampoo that won't strip her hair so she can wash it more often. You said that she's a boy so maybe she is perspiring heavily and smells.
Anonymous
09/16/2022 20:29
Subject: MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have a mil like this and my DD is two. I said something like “MIL, we’re raising DD to understand that talking about someone’s body (hair/skin) is bad manners” in your case I might add “would you like to apologize?”
This isn’t subtle. Your daughter is getting the message BOTH that her grandmother is embarrassed AND that you don’t particularly care to stick up for her.
You need to touch up on "bad manners".
NP. Found the judgmental cow MIL.
What? You missed my point. I wasn't saying the MIL didn't display poor manners, but PP's response is also poor.
Cow really? Get over yourself.
I’m the poster you believe had a “poor” response. Notably not the one who called you a cow…though…
Please direct me to any accepted etiquette that allows unprompted remarks about another persons appearance. The idea that there’s one set of manners for adults and another for children isn’t one I agree with.
Anonymous
09/16/2022 14:51
Subject: MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
I don’t think the grandma is being a bully at all. She simply wants better for her grandchild. She wants her to take better care if herself. I would very lightly say to grandma alone that dd is very sensitive to such comments and even though you agree with grandma you’ve decided to let dd be herself and would like the comments to stay to herself . Yes it will be hard but please try , it’s really hurting dd.
Anonymous
09/16/2022 14:43
Subject: Re:MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of very confrontational and passive aggressive suggestions.
In an ideal world your daughter would have an honest conversation with grandma. If she can't, you should. Assume good intentions. Say what needs to be said. Be direct and kind. When you do and say X, I feel Y. I am sure it is not your intention, but X makes me feel Y. Please stop doing X.
If the behavior does not change after that, your daughter shouldn't be around grandma alone.
Anonymous
09/16/2022 14:42
Subject: Re:MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
Their are a lot of very confrontational and passive aggressive suggestions.
In an ideal world your daughter would have an honest conversation with grandma. If she can't, you should. Assume good intentions. Say what needs to be said. Be direct and kind. When you do and say X, I feel Y. I am sure it is not your intention, but X makes me feel Y. Please stop doing X.
If the behavior does not change after that, your daughter shouldn't be around grandma alone.
In an ideal world your daughter would have an honest conversation with grandma. If she can't, you should. Assume good intentions. Say what needs to be said. Be direct and kind. When you do and say X, I feel Y. I am sure it is not your intention, but X makes me feel Y. Please stop doing X.
If the behavior does not change after that, your daughter shouldn't be around grandma alone.
Anonymous
09/16/2022 14:36
Subject: MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
What can you do? Limit MIL’s visits with DD and when MIL asks why, tell her.
Anonymous
09/16/2022 12:32
Subject: MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You could start by teaching your child better hygiene and getting her better clothes.
This. She probably stinks. Personally the daughter sounds like a slob
Exhibit A of what happens to a-hole bullies! They "grow up" to be this.
Anonymous
09/16/2022 12:15
Subject: Re:MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
Yikes. MIL behavior is NOT bullying. You people are dramatic. It seems like she just can’t take a clue. Why? Because no one told her! You need to tell your daughter to speak up for herself. “I do not like those clothes.” “I do not want my hair like this.” I would be very concerned if my child was not capable of speaking up for herself to family members and wonder how they would speak up for themselves to strangers. I mean, if grandma keeps buying the clothes and the daughter just says thanks and takes them, how is grandma supposed to know that she doesn’t like them? Why can’t people ever communicate anymore?
Anonymous
09/16/2022 12:11
Subject: MIL subtly judgmental of teenaged DD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have a mil like this and my DD is two. I said something like “MIL, we’re raising DD to understand that talking about someone’s body (hair/skin) is bad manners” in your case I might add “would you like to apologize?”
This isn’t subtle. Your daughter is getting the message BOTH that her grandmother is embarrassed AND that you don’t particularly care to stick up for her.
You need to touch up on "bad manners".
NP. Found the judgmental cow MIL.
What? You missed my point. I wasn't saying the MIL didn't display poor manners, but PP's response is also poor.
Cow really? Get over yourself.
