Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.

I think you can have low expectations while still acknowledging that a mom’s behavior created (or continues to create) issues. You are so right that moms don’t get enough support and training and generally expectations on us are too high. But that doesn’t mean our actions don’t negatively impact our kids.

And we can accept people as they are—accept reality for what it is—while still not letting ourselves be vulnerable with our mothers because we know we will get hurt.

It would be so great if mothers had more support. We are assumed to know how to parent just because we had a child but boy is that wrong. And with poor maternity leave, scarce childcare, and mental healthcare being difficult to access, it’s like moms are sure to fail in some way. And maybe we should just accept that reality as mothers and give our kids grace for the difficulties they have because of us.

PP. Let's take an example of weight loss. There is a huge space between saying "you'll never do it, fatty" and becoming your personal trainer, nutritionist and chef all in one. Yes, the latter can be immensely beneficial, but what if it's way above what your mom is capable of? I mean, some of the issues the people want their moms to solve are definitely above the paygrade of an average person - listen, but don't give advice, give advice, but at the exact right time, give the advice in the way that is preferred by the recipient (and figure that way out in advance). People go and get Masters and doctorates for that. Why can't ADULTS give grace to their moms too? Whatever excuses you give to yourself for not whipping yourself into an absolutely perfect human - circumstances, upbringing, health issues, genetics - your mom is entitled to them too.

I can give my mom grace and recognize she’s doing the best she can. I can also recognize that her best is pretty far from basic kindness and that she does not have the wherewithal to respond to her children with empathy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.

I think you can have low expectations while still acknowledging that a mom’s behavior created (or continues to create) issues. You are so right that moms don’t get enough support and training and generally expectations on us are too high. But that doesn’t mean our actions don’t negatively impact our kids.

And we can accept people as they are—accept reality for what it is—while still not letting ourselves be vulnerable with our mothers because we know we will get hurt.

It would be so great if mothers had more support. We are assumed to know how to parent just because we had a child but boy is that wrong. And with poor maternity leave, scarce childcare, and mental healthcare being difficult to access, it’s like moms are sure to fail in some way. And maybe we should just accept that reality as mothers and give our kids grace for the difficulties they have because of us.

PP. Let's take an example of weight loss. There is a huge space between saying "you'll never do it, fatty" and becoming your personal trainer, nutritionist and chef all in one. Yes, the latter can be immensely beneficial, but what if it's way above what your mom is capable of? I mean, some of the issues the people want their moms to solve are definitely above the paygrade of an average person - listen, but don't give advice, give advice, but at the exact right time, give the advice in the way that is preferred by the recipient (and figure that way out in advance). People go and get Masters and doctorates for that. Why can't ADULTS give grace to their moms too? Whatever excuses you give to yourself for not whipping yourself into an absolutely perfect human - circumstances, upbringing, health issues, genetics - your mom is entitled to them too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.

I think you can have low expectations while still acknowledging that a mom’s behavior created (or continues to create) issues. You are so right that moms don’t get enough support and training and generally expectations on us are too high. But that doesn’t mean our actions don’t negatively impact our kids.

And we can accept people as they are—accept reality for what it is—while still not letting ourselves be vulnerable with our mothers because we know we will get hurt.

It would be so great if mothers had more support. We are assumed to know how to parent just because we had a child but boy is that wrong. And with poor maternity leave, scarce childcare, and mental healthcare being difficult to access, it’s like moms are sure to fail in some way. And maybe we should just accept that reality as mothers and give our kids grace for the difficulties they have because of us.

PP. Let's take an example of weight loss. There is a huge space between saying "you'll never do it, fatty" and becoming your personal trainer, nutritionist and chef all in one. Yes, the latter can be immensely beneficial, but what if it's way above what your mom is capable of? I mean, some of the issues the people want their moms to solve are definitely above the paygrade of an average person - listen, but don't give advice, give advice, but at the exact right time, give the advice in the way that is preferred by the recipient (and figure that way out in advance). People go and get Masters and doctorates for that. Why can't ADULTS give grace to their moms too? Whatever excuses you give to yourself for not whipping yourself into an absolutely perfect human - circumstances, upbringing, health issues, genetics - your mom is entitled to them too.

I think that the way I was talking about moms suggests that I absolutely think we should give our moms grace.

And my mom did say things like "you'll never do it, fatty." She constantly called me fat, a b**ch, lazy, and entitled. She didn't think I deserved what I had (which, by the way, was a home environment so bad we got investigated by CPS more than once). I'm not sure that many of the people on this board are resentful of their mothers for not being the moms best ever, I bet it's more like being resentful of moms who were abusive, neglectful, emotionally unavailable, etc.

But personally, I firmly believe that everyone is doing their best. My mom's childhood was far worse than mine, and in spite of the things she said and did to me, she actually broke a lot of cycles. Now that I'm approaching 40, I have absolutely no ill will toward her and I'm grateful for how hard she tried and the good things she did for me. It took me a long time to get to this point though, and I don't think it is wrong that ten years ago I was still angry because of the way her actions impacted my life. And of course I just cannot go to my mom and expect advice and support. Why would I? She is incapable of giving it to me. And that's okay. I love her anyway.

Anonymous wrote:No. She’s soooooo busy reading books for book club, scrolling Facebook and commenting on random things, volunteering at the library one day a week, and running errands that she wouldn’t possibly have time.

If I mention anything that is bothering me or is stressing me out, she will just one-up me and then make it all about her and how much harder her life is/was.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.

I think you can have low expectations while still acknowledging that a mom’s behavior created (or continues to create) issues. You are so right that moms don’t get enough support and training and generally expectations on us are too high. But that doesn’t mean our actions don’t negatively impact our kids.

And we can accept people as they are—accept reality for what it is—while still not letting ourselves be vulnerable with our mothers because we know we will get hurt.

It would be so great if mothers had more support. We are assumed to know how to parent just because we had a child but boy is that wrong. And with poor maternity leave, scarce childcare, and mental healthcare being difficult to access, it’s like moms are sure to fail in some way. And maybe we should just accept that reality as mothers and give our kids grace for the difficulties they have because of us.

PP. Let's take an example of weight loss. There is a huge space between saying "you'll never do it, fatty" and becoming your personal trainer, nutritionist and chef all in one. Yes, the latter can be immensely beneficial, but what if it's way above what your mom is capable of? I mean, some of the issues the people want their moms to solve are definitely above the paygrade of an average person - listen, but don't give advice, give advice, but at the exact right time, give the advice in the way that is preferred by the recipient (and figure that way out in advance). People go and get Masters and doctorates for that. Why can't ADULTS give grace to their moms too? Whatever excuses you give to yourself for not whipping yourself into an absolutely perfect human - circumstances, upbringing, health issues, genetics - your mom is entitled to them too.

Anonymous wrote:No OP I cut mine off. My is a toxic human and not trustworthy.

My mother taught me to cut off people and not to tell them why. Well that came back to bite her in a big way. Two out of four do not speak to her.

My life is so much better now.

OP sending hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.

I think you can have low expectations while still acknowledging that a mom’s behavior created (or continues to create) issues. You are so right that moms don’t get enough support and training and generally expectations on us are too high. But that doesn’t mean our actions don’t negatively impact our kids.

And we can accept people as they are—accept reality for what it is—while still not letting ourselves be vulnerable with our mothers because we know we will get hurt.

It would be so great if mothers had more support. We are assumed to know how to parent just because we had a child but boy is that wrong. And with poor maternity leave, scarce childcare, and mental healthcare being difficult to access, it’s like moms are sure to fail in some way. And maybe we should just accept that reality as mothers and give our kids grace for the difficulties they have because of us.

Anonymous wrote:No. She either makes it about her or minimizes the issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms.

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems.

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are. Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be. And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.