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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My mother is very very difficult. Like yours, she will never seek counseling but she shows so many signs of a personality disorder. My brother is a psychiatrist; he says it would be unethical to diagnose her, but believes she has BPD. I think she may also have NPD.

I haven’t spoken to her in about 1.5 years. Back in early 2020, she was upset that I didn’t ask her to watch my older children when I delivered my youngest (I had a Au pair at the time, who watched the kids). So as “punishment”, she refused to meet the baby. That was a last straw for me. She still hasn’t met my little one, 2 years in.

I have LOVED the peace of not having her in my life. I don’t miss her at all. Honestly I’d love for the next time I hear about her, it is someone calling me to tell me she’s dead. That’s pretty dark…but hey, having a mentally unstable parent will do that to ya!

I’ve been in therapy off and on for 25 years. Cutting her out has brought me more peace than anything else I’ve tried. [/quote]

That's an incredibly petty story all the way around.[/quote]

If you’ve never dealt with someone with a personality disorder, you really just can’t imagine what it’s like.  I had never even heard of them until I married my dh.  The stories about his mother were legendary.   It opened my eyes to what a personality disorder is and how it manifests itself and how destructive it can be.  It’s really hard to comprehend until you deal with it up close.

[/quote]

Sounds like they both have a personality disorder, frankly. Why couldn't she let her mother take care of her older children while giving birth instead of the au pair? Seems like a simple thing. Then they both cut each other off. So stupid.[/quote]

Oh my.  To be clear, I didn't cut my mother off because she refused to meet her grandchild - that was merely the last straw.  As I said, I've been in therapy and psychiatric care for 25 years.  If I had a personality disorder, I would know!  But thanks for your diagnosis anyway.  :)

Like I said, she will never submit to a diagnosis.  But here are some things - in no way limiting - that I guess you could say led to me cutting her off.  I hope these can give you insight into what it's actually like living with someone mentally ill.

- Being told (often!) that she wished she had not had kids
- Being told (often!) that her kids ruined her life
- Being told she wished my dad was dead (they're divorced)
- Knowing that I was being sexually abused from ages 8-9 but looking the other way; when I confronted her as an adult, she said it was my fault because I was "too friendly"
- Threatening to cook me in an oven and serve me to my dad (yes, she was serious, I was 6 or so when she said this)
- Telling me (often!) that my dad didn't want me and hated spending time with me

As an adult:

- Being told that going to law school and passing the bar was no achievement because "anyone could do it" (I know we have other lawyers on here, so you may agree with the sentiment, but who actually says that to their kid instead of "I'm proud of you" or "Congrats")
- Being told she hopes I have a painful delivery including a C section
- Telling me that I will screw up my kids and they'll be in therapy/on drugs/prostitutes as adults

She doesn't speak with several family members.  My father and stepmother refuse to be in the same room as her.  Another one of her children committed suicide 10 years ago.

I made the decision to cut her off after considering it for about a year, with the support of my therapist, husband and friends.  It is NOT something I take lightly, but it has helped me heal tremendously.  My mother doesn't care.  My husband suggested she and I seek therapy together to reconcile.  She said no thanks.

You're welcome to think my decision is petty, or that I'm mentally ill.  Cutting off a parent is a big deal, and I wouldn't recommend doing it without significant thought and professional support.  But if anyone is reading this and actually has a BPD mother, I just want to say that I understand.  You are not alone.  And you don't deserve to be treated the way she treats you.[/quote]

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