Anonymous
08/10/2022 08:33
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
Ugh, sounds terrible. My parents were not Borderline, but I definitely grew up in a dysfunctional family with a lot of love. My late mom was amazing, did everything for me, sacrificed so much and loved her grandchildren. But she put up with a bad marriage— lots of screaming, broken things, even probably what most would consider abuse. But I love my dad too. He was generous, brilliant, funny, etc. but a terrible violent temper and not good to my mom, though they were totally codependent. To be honest my mom was also terrible to my dad, called him names, blamed him for everything and openly said terrible things. He is 82 and now very slow having suffered a stroke. Your mom is old, she may not be here long. Consider that.
Anonymous
08/10/2022 08:29
Subject: Re:Anyone have a borderline mom?
So like another pp while I agree many of these mothers have major boundary issues, they seem light compared to what I see in my mother for bpd
- screaming for 5 hours plus on a regular basis
- sending long ranting emails that take 3 hours to write about personal details of marriage and sending to children and family members
- talking about wishing she could be dead, so depressed she wishes she was dead but can't commit suicide because against church teachings
- multiple instances of physical abuse to children - "spanked" with belts, metal spoons, kicked with shoes, slapped in face, whacked back of head despite no behaviors, throwing oldest son on floor and beating, grabbing child by hair and slamming into hard wood chair. Assaults have continued into adulthood and occasionally on spouse
- writing emails to mother in law and sister in laws telling them they are not Christian because they talk about their new homes too much and that is sinful
- writing email before 2 child out of 5 (ie only one of her kids had been .married) wedding saying choosing not to be mother of bride today but prefer to be with grandchild
- alienating children from family members because they all gossip about her
- paranoia about being gossiped about by everyone - everyone out to get her
- ending long-term friendships because people enjoy watching NFL games as a way of socializing and that is not her
- extreme insecurity - learning social cues from adult children
- day of husband's older brother funeral screaming at husband he didn't do her laundry correctly for 2 hours before funeral
- trying to kick 25 year old child out of family forever on Christmas eve for not peeling a potato correctly, literally kicking child out of house when visiting from out of state, needed to be told by children and spouse not acceptable
- black and white thinking applied to most aspect of life
- becoming more fundamental in Christian beliefs as aging
I could go on. I think the suicide idealation, rage, manipulation and paranoia combinded with a lack of hallucinations push me to think she has bpd. Of course she will not go to therapy and every therapist she has had she literally has scheduled a last appointment to tell why they are wrong for suspecting she may have issues, along with written "evidence: I do suspect she was molested as young child by parent who she now idealizes, but no evidence minus
- screaming for 5 hours plus on a regular basis
- sending long ranting emails that take 3 hours to write about personal details of marriage and sending to children and family members
- talking about wishing she could be dead, so depressed she wishes she was dead but can't commit suicide because against church teachings
- multiple instances of physical abuse to children - "spanked" with belts, metal spoons, kicked with shoes, slapped in face, whacked back of head despite no behaviors, throwing oldest son on floor and beating, grabbing child by hair and slamming into hard wood chair. Assaults have continued into adulthood and occasionally on spouse
- writing emails to mother in law and sister in laws telling them they are not Christian because they talk about their new homes too much and that is sinful
- writing email before 2 child out of 5 (ie only one of her kids had been .married) wedding saying choosing not to be mother of bride today but prefer to be with grandchild
- alienating children from family members because they all gossip about her
- paranoia about being gossiped about by everyone - everyone out to get her
- ending long-term friendships because people enjoy watching NFL games as a way of socializing and that is not her
- extreme insecurity - learning social cues from adult children
- day of husband's older brother funeral screaming at husband he didn't do her laundry correctly for 2 hours before funeral
- trying to kick 25 year old child out of family forever on Christmas eve for not peeling a potato correctly, literally kicking child out of house when visiting from out of state, needed to be told by children and spouse not acceptable
- black and white thinking applied to most aspect of life
- becoming more fundamental in Christian beliefs as aging
I could go on. I think the suicide idealation, rage, manipulation and paranoia combinded with a lack of hallucinations push me to think she has bpd. Of course she will not go to therapy and every therapist she has had she literally has scheduled a last appointment to tell why they are wrong for suspecting she may have issues, along with written "evidence: I do suspect she was molested as young child by parent who she now idealizes, but no evidence minus
Anonymous
08/10/2022 08:12
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
Oh, I just thought of another good example from my mom!
My cousin delivered a baby with significant health problems. Baby died two months later. Cousin was devastated.
Not only did my mom refuse to go to the funeral, she also told everyone that my cousin had no right to mourn because "she only knew the child 2 months" and it was nothing compared to losing an adult child.
Yes, she actually believes that the pain of losing a child is commensurate with how long you've gotten to know that child. She truly believes that her pain (losing an adult child) is greater than anyone else who has lost a child under the age of 18.
Classic.
My cousin delivered a baby with significant health problems. Baby died two months later. Cousin was devastated.
Not only did my mom refuse to go to the funeral, she also told everyone that my cousin had no right to mourn because "she only knew the child 2 months" and it was nothing compared to losing an adult child.
Yes, she actually believes that the pain of losing a child is commensurate with how long you've gotten to know that child. She truly believes that her pain (losing an adult child) is greater than anyone else who has lost a child under the age of 18.
Classic.
Anonymous
08/10/2022 08:00
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My mother is very very difficult. Like yours, she will never seek counseling but she shows so many signs of a personality disorder. My brother is a psychiatrist; he says it would be unethical to diagnose her, but believes she has BPD. I think she may also have NPD.
I haven’t spoken to her in about 1.5 years. Back in early 2020, she was upset that I didn’t ask her to watch my older children when I delivered my youngest (I had a Au pair at the time, who watched the kids). So as “punishment”, she refused to meet the baby. That was a last straw for me. She still hasn’t met my little one, 2 years in.
I have LOVED the peace of not having her in my life. I don’t miss her at all. Honestly I’d love for the next time I hear about her, it is someone calling me to tell me she’s dead. That’s pretty dark…but hey, having a mentally unstable parent will do that to ya!
I’ve been in therapy off and on for 25 years. Cutting her out has brought me more peace than anything else I’ve tried.
That's an incredibly petty story all the way around.
If you’ve never dealt with someone with a personality disorder, you really just can’t imagine what it’s like. I had never even heard of them until I married my dh. The stories about his mother were legendary. It opened my eyes to what a personality disorder is and how it manifests itself and how destructive it can be. It’s really hard to comprehend until you deal with it up close.
Sounds like they both have a personality disorder, frankly. Why couldn't she let her mother take care of her older children while giving birth instead of the au pair? Seems like a simple thing. Then they both cut each other off. So stupid.
Oh my. To be clear, I didn't cut my mother off because she refused to meet her grandchild - that was merely the last straw. As I said, I've been in therapy and psychiatric care for 25 years. If I had a personality disorder, I would know! But thanks for your diagnosis anyway.
Like I said, she will never submit to a diagnosis. But here are some things - in no way limiting - that I guess you could say led to me cutting her off. I hope these can give you insight into what it's actually like living with someone mentally ill.
- Being told (often!) that she wished she had not had kids
- Being told (often!) that her kids ruined her life
- Being told she wished my dad was dead (they're divorced)
- Knowing that I was being sexually abused from ages 8-9 but looking the other way; when I confronted her as an adult, she said it was my fault because I was "too friendly"
- Threatening to cook me in an oven and serve me to my dad (yes, she was serious, I was 6 or so when she said this)
- Telling me (often!) that my dad didn't want me and hated spending time with me
As an adult:
- Being told that going to law school and passing the bar was no achievement because "anyone could do it" (I know we have other lawyers on here, so you may agree with the sentiment, but who actually says that to their kid instead of "I'm proud of you" or "Congrats")
- Being told she hopes I have a painful delivery including a C section
- Telling me that I will screw up my kids and they'll be in therapy/on drugs/prostitutes as adults
She doesn't speak with several family members. My father and stepmother refuse to be in the same room as her. Another one of her children committed suicide 10 years ago.
I made the decision to cut her off after considering it for about a year, with the support of my therapist, husband and friends. It is NOT something I take lightly, but it has helped me heal tremendously. My mother doesn't care. My husband suggested she and I seek therapy together to reconcile. She said no thanks.
You're welcome to think my decision is petty, or that I'm mentally ill. Cutting off a parent is a big deal, and I wouldn't recommend doing it without significant thought and professional support. But if anyone is reading this and actually has a BPD mother, I just want to say that I understand. You are not alone. And you don't deserve to be treated the way she treats you.
Anonymous
08/10/2022 07:18
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My mother is very very difficult. Like yours, she will never seek counseling but she shows so many signs of a personality disorder. My brother is a psychiatrist; he says it would be unethical to diagnose her, but believes she has BPD. I think she may also have NPD.
I haven’t spoken to her in about 1.5 years. Back in early 2020, she was upset that I didn’t ask her to watch my older children when I delivered my youngest (I had a Au pair at the time, who watched the kids). So as “punishment”, she refused to meet the baby. That was a last straw for me. She still hasn’t met my little one, 2 years in.
I have LOVED the peace of not having her in my life. I don’t miss her at all. Honestly I’d love for the next time I hear about her, it is someone calling me to tell me she’s dead. That’s pretty dark…but hey, having a mentally unstable parent will do that to ya!
I’ve been in therapy off and on for 25 years. Cutting her out has brought me more peace than anything else I’ve tried.
That's an incredibly petty story all the way around.
If you’ve never dealt with someone with a personality disorder, you really just can’t imagine what it’s like. I had never even heard of them until I married my dh. The stories about his mother were legendary. It opened my eyes to what a personality disorder is and how it manifests itself and how destructive it can be. It’s really hard to comprehend until you deal with it up close.
Sounds like they both have a personality disorder, frankly. Why couldn't she let her mother take care of her older children while giving birth instead of the au pair? Seems like a simple thing. Then they both cut each other off. So stupid.
Anonymous
08/10/2022 05:10
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
DP
Well, in my case, it was b/c I didn’t want to be worried about my little one with HER while I was trying to give birth. You know, what SHE would say or do with my little one while I was pushing and panting. Childbirth is stressful enough.
I had faith and trust in my competent, kind nanny. Not HER.
I capitalized the pronouns b/c SHE thinks she is flawless. I call her “THE [firstname]” because she thinks she is so important.
Well, in my case, it was b/c I didn’t want to be worried about my little one with HER while I was trying to give birth. You know, what SHE would say or do with my little one while I was pushing and panting. Childbirth is stressful enough.
I had faith and trust in my competent, kind nanny. Not HER.
I capitalized the pronouns b/c SHE thinks she is flawless. I call her “THE [firstname]” because she thinks she is so important.
Anonymous
08/09/2022 23:14
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My mother is very very difficult. Like yours, she will never seek counseling but she shows so many signs of a personality disorder. My brother is a psychiatrist; he says it would be unethical to diagnose her, but believes she has BPD. I think she may also have NPD.
I haven’t spoken to her in about 1.5 years. Back in early 2020, she was upset that I didn’t ask her to watch my older children when I delivered my youngest (I had a Au pair at the time, who watched the kids). So as “punishment”, she refused to meet the baby. That was a last straw for me. She still hasn’t met my little one, 2 years in.
I have LOVED the peace of not having her in my life. I don’t miss her at all. Honestly I’d love for the next time I hear about her, it is someone calling me to tell me she’s dead. That’s pretty dark…but hey, having a mentally unstable parent will do that to ya!
I’ve been in therapy off and on for 25 years. Cutting her out has brought me more peace than anything else I’ve tried.
That's an incredibly petty story all the way around.
If you’ve never dealt with someone with a personality disorder, you really just can’t imagine what it’s like. I had never even heard of them until I married my dh. The stories about his mother were legendary. It opened my eyes to what a personality disorder is and how it manifests itself and how destructive it can be. It’s really hard to comprehend until you deal with it up close.
Sounds like they both have a personality disorder, frankly. Why couldn't she let her mother take care of her older children while giving birth instead of the au pair? Seems like a simple thing. Then they both cut each other off. So stupid.
Anonymous
08/09/2022 23:12
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My mother is very very difficult. Like yours, she will never seek counseling but she shows so many signs of a personality disorder. My brother is a psychiatrist; he says it would be unethical to diagnose her, but believes she has BPD. I think she may also have NPD.
I haven’t spoken to her in about 1.5 years. Back in early 2020, she was upset that I didn’t ask her to watch my older children when I delivered my youngest (I had a Au pair at the time, who watched the kids). So as “punishment”, she refused to meet the baby. That was a last straw for me. She still hasn’t met my little one, 2 years in.
I have LOVED the peace of not having her in my life. I don’t miss her at all. Honestly I’d love for the next time I hear about her, it is someone calling me to tell me she’s dead. That’s pretty dark…but hey, having a mentally unstable parent will do that to ya!
I’ve been in therapy off and on for 25 years. Cutting her out has brought me more peace than anything else I’ve tried.
That's an incredibly petty story all the way around.
If you’ve never dealt with someone with a personality disorder, you really just can’t imagine what it’s like. I had never even heard of them until I married my dh. The stories about his mother were legendary. It opened my eyes to what a personality disorder is and how it manifests itself and how destructive it can be. It’s really hard to comprehend until you deal with it up close.
Anonymous
08/09/2022 22:50
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
Anonymous wrote:My mother is very very difficult. Like yours, she will never seek counseling but she shows so many signs of a personality disorder. My brother is a psychiatrist; he says it would be unethical to diagnose her, but believes she has BPD. I think she may also have NPD.
I haven’t spoken to her in about 1.5 years. Back in early 2020, she was upset that I didn’t ask her to watch my older children when I delivered my youngest (I had a Au pair at the time, who watched the kids). So as “punishment”, she refused to meet the baby. That was a last straw for me. She still hasn’t met my little one, 2 years in.
I have LOVED the peace of not having her in my life. I don’t miss her at all. Honestly I’d love for the next time I hear about her, it is someone calling me to tell me she’s dead. That’s pretty dark…but hey, having a mentally unstable parent will do that to ya!
I’ve been in therapy off and on for 25 years. Cutting her out has brought me more peace than anything else I’ve tried.
That's an incredibly petty story all the way around.
Anonymous
08/09/2022 22:23
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
My mother is very very difficult. Like yours, she will never seek counseling but she shows so many signs of a personality disorder. My brother is a psychiatrist; he says it would be unethical to diagnose her, but believes she has BPD. I think she may also have NPD.
I haven’t spoken to her in about 1.5 years. Back in early 2020, she was upset that I didn’t ask her to watch my older children when I delivered my youngest (I had a Au pair at the time, who watched the kids). So as “punishment”, she refused to meet the baby. That was a last straw for me. She still hasn’t met my little one, 2 years in.
I have LOVED the peace of not having her in my life. I don’t miss her at all. Honestly I’d love for the next time I hear about her, it is someone calling me to tell me she’s dead. That’s pretty dark…but hey, having a mentally unstable parent will do that to ya!
I’ve been in therapy off and on for 25 years. Cutting her out has brought me more peace than anything else I’ve tried.
I haven’t spoken to her in about 1.5 years. Back in early 2020, she was upset that I didn’t ask her to watch my older children when I delivered my youngest (I had a Au pair at the time, who watched the kids). So as “punishment”, she refused to meet the baby. That was a last straw for me. She still hasn’t met my little one, 2 years in.
I have LOVED the peace of not having her in my life. I don’t miss her at all. Honestly I’d love for the next time I hear about her, it is someone calling me to tell me she’s dead. That’s pretty dark…but hey, having a mentally unstable parent will do that to ya!
I’ve been in therapy off and on for 25 years. Cutting her out has brought me more peace than anything else I’ve tried.
Anonymous
08/05/2022 13:33
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
Anonymous wrote:My mom is 80 and displays (and has always displayed) borderline tendencies. I don’t have an official diagnosis because she thinks therapy is stupid, but her behavior is pretty textbook. She is nice and loving and extremely supportive (often too supportive…like no boundaries), but when I try to set any boundaries she becomes furious and punishes me. She just tried to go over my head with my teenager after I explicitly said no and told me I don’t know my old child. I e tried explaining why these things are hurtful but she changes the subject or refuses to acknowledge it. She had a really enmeshed relationship with her own mom (that was awful to watch), so she feels what she does and says is totally normal. I’ve cut off contact a few times…once for about 6 months. But then she forgets about it, and something happens and I let her back in…even though I know I can’t emotionally trust her. I just forget because she’s my mom and I love her and when she’s being normal she’s awesome. I’ve tried limiting contact but she sees that as me being mean and it leads to a fight. She must be totally in my business all the time. I’ve considered moving numerous times, but it’s not a great idea for other reasons and I’m an only child and I know my parents will need me. Despite all my mom’s crazy, she’s always there for me if something bad happens.
Can anyone relate? How do I deal with this? We’re on another round of not speaking after the last fight. It’s so exhausting. I try SO hard not to get drawn in, but I always do.
Want a story about my borderline mom? They all seem sooo small when you actually type it out/explain it, but years of dealing w/it all gets overwhelming.
My parents divorced when I was young, my dad then married and divorced again. He has terrible taste in women. Post-divorce his second wife is diagnosed w/a terminal illness. She calls my dad with some bs about how she wants to make amends by leaving $ to my kids to pay for college. He tells me, suggests I call her to discuss the details but I have no interest in this woman or her money or engaging with her. Story should end there, right? Oh no. I accidentally mention this to my mom. She takes it upon herself to find this woman's phone # and call her to get the details about the money that dying woman is leaving the children of her ex husband in her will. In her mind, it wasn't going behind my back or going against my wishes or even just wierd. I wouldn't get the $ from this woman so she had to.
Anonymous
08/05/2022 13:13
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
My mom is undiagnosed crazy of some kind. Perhaps borderline personality disorder. Who knows. She is perfect in her own eyes, and very delusional, and will never get the mental health help she needs.
I am also an only child, my parents are divorced (because my mom alienates everyone) and my mom was an only child. So she has no other family except for a few distant cousins who we don't speak w/because of my mom trying to sue them or something a decade or two ago. As such, I feel VERY responsible for my mom.
BUT, I have realized as of late that I might be responsible for her in the "emergency contact" manner of speaking, but I am not responsible for her happiness. Just like you aren't responsible for the happiness of your mom.
You are lucky that your mom has $. Mine has a very limited income, so being her "emergency contact" often means turning her phone back on, buying her groceries, picking up her prescriptions, etc.
It sucks for her that my mom is all alone, and she would love to fill that emptiness with me and/or my kids. However she has had a lifetime to develop a full life, but because of her mental illness she has no friends, no hobbies, she has a very empty life.
I take my kids to see her maybe once/month or two, because I don't want to see her more than that. She wants to see us more? Well maybe she shouldn't have left a 5 minute long message on my voicemail yelling at me and blaming me for her woes because I went on vacation with my kids without her. After a lifetime of similar actions.
I am also an only child, my parents are divorced (because my mom alienates everyone) and my mom was an only child. So she has no other family except for a few distant cousins who we don't speak w/because of my mom trying to sue them or something a decade or two ago. As such, I feel VERY responsible for my mom.
BUT, I have realized as of late that I might be responsible for her in the "emergency contact" manner of speaking, but I am not responsible for her happiness. Just like you aren't responsible for the happiness of your mom.
You are lucky that your mom has $. Mine has a very limited income, so being her "emergency contact" often means turning her phone back on, buying her groceries, picking up her prescriptions, etc.
It sucks for her that my mom is all alone, and she would love to fill that emptiness with me and/or my kids. However she has had a lifetime to develop a full life, but because of her mental illness she has no friends, no hobbies, she has a very empty life.
I take my kids to see her maybe once/month or two, because I don't want to see her more than that. She wants to see us more? Well maybe she shouldn't have left a 5 minute long message on my voicemail yelling at me and blaming me for her woes because I went on vacation with my kids without her. After a lifetime of similar actions.
Anonymous
08/05/2022 13:06
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't think going "over your head" and talking straight to your DD or telling you you don't know your own DD are necessarily BPD. Sounds irksome and painful but... in the realm of normal.
What else has she done that makes you think she has BPD?
NP. Not normal, and totally inappropriate. She isn't the mother of OP's daughter.
OP, I wouldn't have any more conversations with her about your daughter. Block her from your daughter's phone. She needs to go through you to communicate with her.
I'm the PP you are quoting. After OP added more to her story, I changed my opinion of her mom. Definitely not normal and not appropriate.
Anonymous
08/05/2022 12:57
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
Anonymous wrote:I don't think going "over your head" and talking straight to your DD or telling you you don't know your own DD are necessarily BPD. Sounds irksome and painful but... in the realm of normal.
What else has she done that makes you think she has BPD?
NP. Not normal, and totally inappropriate. She isn't the mother of OP's daughter.
OP, I wouldn't have any more conversations with her about your daughter. Block her from your daughter's phone. She needs to go through you to communicate with her.
Anonymous
08/05/2022 12:53
Subject: Anyone have a borderline mom?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I've had very little contact and strong borders with my mom for 15 years or so. My therapist long ago advised me to think of her and my stepdad as distant relatives. I can do this now - it's taken a long time. If I go to visit them, I ALWAYS stay someplace else, and keep visits short. E-mails go automatically to a special folder. I rarely answer her calls - she will call DH. DH deals with her.
It helps. There was no "85% of time she's okay" for me though. There was almost no time that she was truly loving or supportive. It's very sad, and I have a permanent hole in my heart. But I'm much better for it.
OMG, I thought I invented the "special folder." Yep, I need to be in the right state of mind, She sometimes hides verbal stabbings in the middle of pleasantries, so reading a few sentences doesn't always tell me if it's safe.
I too try to see mom as a distance realtive and keep major boundaries. I take it farther and will only see her in public places where she's be afraid to rage. I too have a hole in my heart.
Thank you for sharing this “distant relative” idea. I think it will help me, so I appreciate so much that you shared that.