Reply to If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

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Reply to "If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?"

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[quote=Anonymous] It is completely possible to move on and heal from trauma without forgiving the perpetrator. In fact, forcing yourself to forgive, or pretending to forgive when you really haven't, can actually be counterproductive to healing. People who pressure you to forgive can have ulterior motives: wanting to spare themselves guilt, not wanting to support you, or in the worst case scenario, wanting to cover up what happened to you.

Forgiveness can also be easier if the offender is actually held accountable. It's much easier to forgive someone who genuinely apologizes and changes their behavior.  Whether or not to forgive is a choice only you can make, and not wanting to forgive doesn’t make you a bad person. Instead of forcing yourself to forgive when those feelings aren’t coming naturally, you can choose another method of coming to terms with trauma.

Forgiveness doesn’t have to be something we ask directly from the person who hurt us. It doesn’t mean that what the other person did was okay [b][i]or that they will be let off the hook for the consequences of their actions[/i][/b].

Understanding someone’s motivation or own trauma/childhood past for causing harm/straying doesn’t make that harm okay, but it can help us move on.  Though society pressures you to forgive the person who wronged you, the truth is that forgiving may be the worst thing you can do. Many religions and therapies focus on forgiving a perpetrator so that the victim can "move on." The goal is to make sure that the victim does not become fixated on the hurt. This element is critical because if you become completely obsessed with your victimization, you will not be able to function. That is a fact. Fixating freezes you.

I agree with the poster that said they will 'never forgive the [i]actions[/i].  I think there is no way if it were a longer thing that you could ever say 'that's okay'.  Maybe that's just me.  I can accept the apology and the reasoning if the person was truly remorseful and was in therapy and showing demonstrated change, but I would never forgive 'the affair' or the decision to do that.  Just wouldn't, ever.  I think you can move on and heal and still say that was 100% wrong and I don't forgive what occurred and still move forward.[/quote]

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