Anonymous wrote:Hard pass on Esther P!! She is the adultery version of the outdated physical abuse apologists of the boomer generation. Of course he hits her, she nags him nonstop. She provoked him!

Sorry, no. Adultery is an extreme form of emotional abuse. It causes serious psychological trauma to the betrayed spouses, comparable to that of PTSD. It’s not a joke and it isn’t something you should take lightly.

Agree. However divorce ( especially if you have children) is no joke either. So it's complicated.

OP's question is "if you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?", not "Should I forgive infidelity?" I would assume they are past the point of needing to repeatedly hear the clichéd and unhelpful "Once a cheater, always a cheater." We all make mistakes, some very serious. Should it be assumed that we will 100% repeat all our mistakes?

Hard pass on Esther P!! She is the adultery version of the outdated physical abuse apologists of the boomer generation. Of course he hits her, she nags him nonstop. She provoked him!

Sorry, no. Adultery is an extreme form of emotional abuse. It causes serious psychological trauma to the betrayed spouses, comparable to that of PTSD. It’s not a joke and it isn’t something you should take lightly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd read Esther Perel's books as a start.

please don't. She's an affair apologist and implies the marriage or the BS, had something to do with it.

Your comment proves you've never read any of her work.

Agree. I don’t think she is an apologist. I think she looks objectively at why people have affairs. Not an easy read if you’re the betrayed spouse, but if you can read it from the vantage point of understanding (despite entirely agreeing) then it is of value.

The biggest problem with cheaters is that they are repeat offenders. The single time cheater is a unicorn.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Be prepared for your spouse to continue to lie. I would hold off on couple's counseling. Liars will just blame shift and manipulate the therapy sessions. They can do their own therapy. Set your boundaries and then see what happens and work from there. Work from actions, not words.

+1000

Be careful about how you use Lawyers and therapists. It’s a good way to waste money

And as we can see from the Depp Heard trial your words can be used against you.

Basically, you'll have to just eat it. Most cheaters don't want to keep talking about it over and over again. The ones who don't mind you blaming him, talking about your pain ad nauseaum for years are unicorns.

They want to apologize, have you forgive them and move on. Are you ready for that?

It is completely possible to move on and heal from trauma without forgiving the perpetrator. In fact, forcing yourself to forgive, or pretending to forgive when you really haven't, can actually be counterproductive to healing. People who pressure you to forgive can have ulterior motives: wanting to spare themselves guilt, not wanting to support you, or in the worst case scenario, wanting to cover up what happened to you.

Forgiveness can also be easier if the offender is actually held accountable. It's much easier to forgive someone who genuinely apologizes and changes their behavior. Whether or not to forgive is a choice only you can make, and not wanting to forgive doesn’t make you a bad person. Instead of forcing yourself to forgive when those feelings aren’t coming naturally, you can choose another method of coming to terms with trauma.

Forgiveness doesn’t have to be something we ask directly from the person who hurt us. It doesn’t mean that what the other person did was okay or that they will be let off the hook for the consequences of their actions.

Understanding someone’s motivation or own trauma/childhood past for causing harm/straying doesn’t make that harm okay, but it can help us move on. Though society pressures you to forgive the person who wronged you, the truth is that forgiving may be the worst thing you can do. Many religions and therapies focus on forgiving a perpetrator so that the victim can "move on." The goal is to make sure that the victim does not become fixated on the hurt. This element is critical because if you become completely obsessed with your victimization, you will not be able to function. That is a fact. Fixating freezes you.

I agree with the poster that said they will 'never forgive the actions. I think there is no way if it were a longer thing that you could ever say 'that's okay'. Maybe that's just me. I can accept the apology and the reasoning if the person was truly remorseful and was in therapy and showing demonstrated change, but I would never forgive 'the affair' or the decision to do that. Just wouldn't, ever. I think you can move on and heal and still say that was 100% wrong and I don't forgive what occurred and still move forward.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe forgiveness is something you practice, something you choose. It's not something you feel or is "one and done."

I focus on gratitude for everything we have and have overcome. I focus on humility and having compassion for DH's humanity. I remember that infidelity is sadly a very common response to life's stresses by people who haven't developed the right coping skills yet.

I choose not to live in bitterness, for my sake as much as anyone else's. I say thanks for the chance to remain together and experience so much joy in our marriage and family. I acknowledge my spouse's continuing efforts to better himself and be a healthy and whole person.

Maybe it's a mindset more than anything. It's certainly not just saying, "I forgive you" and feeling some kind of weight lifted magically. It doesn't work that way. It takes tilting your heart towards joy and love and peace on a daily basis.

wow, inspirational, really, I applaud you

Agreed. Thanks, PP, for posting this.

I haven’t been in this situation, but I’d say start with acceptance as the goal. Then move toward forgiveness if you feel that’s what right. Don’t jump straight into trying to forgive.

Anonymous wrote:I don't even know where to start. Thank you.

1) you don't have to. And you don't have to decide now. Or you can try, but decide later that forgiveness isn't for you. or you can forgive and STILL divorce.
2) asking how to forgive is like asking how to love or how to enjoy.
3) you can try just making the decision to let it go and move on ... but only if you are actually going to do that. Don't hold it over them forever.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Nope. Dealbreaker. No matter how hard you try to rationalize staying together it's just because you're scared. Be brave and don't let people walk on you.

Anonymous wrote:How could anyone stay with someone who destroys the marriage vows?

how old are you? did you really write 'should not love another and never have an affair' in there?

Anonymous wrote:I believe forgiveness is something you practice, something you choose. It's not something you feel or is "one and done."

I focus on gratitude for everything we have and have overcome. I focus on humility and having compassion for DH's humanity. I remember that infidelity is sadly a very common response to life's stresses by people who haven't developed the right coping skills yet.

I choose not to live in bitterness, for my sake as much as anyone else's. I say thanks for the chance to remain together and experience so much joy in our marriage and family. I acknowledge my spouse's continuing efforts to better himself and be a healthy and whole person.

Maybe it's a mindset more than anything. It's certainly not just saying, "I forgive you" and feeling some kind of weight lifted magically. It doesn't work that way. It takes tilting your heart towards joy and love and peace on a daily basis.

wow, inspirational, really, I applaud you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately your mind will never forget.

+1. It’s been almost three years since my husband cheated. I think about it every day. He’s done everything right in recovery. It just takes a long time to move past it. I think it’s harder to heal if you stay together. The reminder is in your face every day. It’s really hard to turn off the mental movies.

it will be there even 30 years later

there are multiple ways to look at it:
1. it is painful but still eye-opening life experience, and in the healing process you learn about yourself, about human behavior, and how not to be possessive of your partner, who may have feelings for other people at times, including attraction; life is not perfect, it would be so boring if nothing ever did happen to make you think about tough decisions, just look at it that way (I know sometimes you feel like running away in the middle of the night or even worse, just pray and think it is still the work and will of God, and I'm not even religious)
2. you had one relationship with your partner before the affair, the affair was on your break-off, then you got back together, two people that went through life-changing experience (except for those really awful cases where sex happens in both long-term and affair relationships, those I cannot comprehend) ... remember rachel and ross in friends 'we were on a break', keep your humor, there are other more dramatic situations that you would not want to trade yours with