Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom does a version of this. She wouldn't actually take on a mother-daughter relationship, but she if she met someone my age who really impressed her, she would go on and on about it in detail ... repeatedly ... ad nauseam. I thought it was weird but at the same time, I didn't mind much because I don't really spend time comparing myself to people who are doing things I'm not interested in.

One time, it was her friend's niece, who had won the state beauty pageant, and was "so exquisite." My mother went so far as to state that while my sister and I were pretty, we were not in the same league as this beauty pageant winner. I accepted this as fact, but my sister was very offended and said she feels that out of all the people in the world, at least your mother should think you're the prettiest. And I think she has a point!

Another time, it was this political/media personality. My mother met her at her workplace and was enthralled. Would not shut up about how this woman was so accomplished, so put together, so amazing. Imagine, for her to be so impressive and only the same age as me, etc. I can't tell you how many times I had to hear this woman's name. She was relatively unknown at the time, but now known nationally. I don't watch TV news shows, but it always hits me when I read her name in the news. I loathe everything that the woman stands for. I wouldn't want to be like her at all.

Meanwhile, at some point I noticed that my mother could not stand to hear anything nice about anyone else. And I wouldn't even doing it "on purpose" or about women she could compare herself to, either. Just casual conversation, like "Oh, I just love Stacy, she's awesome," talking about my sister's friend. This type of comment would make her stop, pause and go pale. "Really, what's so great about Stacy?" So then I have to justify that Stacy is fun-loving, positive and seems to have great relationships with her kids! "Doesn't sound all that awesome to me!" LOL. Yeah, she would have really lost her mind if I had started talking about a surrogate mother figure, as a PP suggested, and it would not have been effective.

FYI, my mother is a diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I know some people here feel that you should focus on the behavior and not the label, and I agree there's some truth in that, but it helped me to know that my mother had a mental illness with a name. It's amazing how BPDs have so many behaviors in common.

I’m the PP who said I don’t egg my mom on because it wouldn’t serve me and I think she’s already sick enough and probably in enough mental pain. I think my mom is likely BPD with some narcissistic tendencies. But we will probably never know, because she won’t attend family counseling and she will only see a psychiatrist long enough to score meds without working on any underlying problems. I know she has spent her life building up a false persona (I’m so tough, I do everything alone, I can compartmentalization my stress, etc). I think it would kill her to face her real self and be vulnerable enough to get some work done in therapy. It’s like the false self is the only thing holding her very fragile and damaged ego together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?

Of course they were, and they always did. They "deserved it, damn it!" And it didn't matter what happened to their kids while they were gone. If you really want to know more about that trip to Belgium...They didn't have family that could come stay with us, and they didn't want to send us to a family member's house because we'd miss school.

There was a family in our neighborhood, my little brother was friends with their son. My mom used to always say that Caroline (the mom) was a neglectful mother--the little girl in the family was about 3-4 years old and she'd be outside playing in the snow in nothing but a t shirt--no shoes, no pants, just a t shirt!
So of course, when my parents needed to find a babysitter for us while they were in Belgium for a week--who could they ask for a recommendation? Why, Caroline--the "neglectful mother!" And Caroline had someone in mind--a 22 year old woman named Beth.
I think my mom met Beth once before they left. The first night Beth took us into Boston (about a 45 minute drive away) on a school night. The circus was in town and she was able to get free tickets from her boss at work--nice, right? On the way home she stopped at a bar (she said her mom was in the bar and she needed to talk to her mom.) My brother's and I waited in the parking lot of the bar for what seemed like at least an hour (by now it was about 10 pm on a school night.)
So that was the first night.

The subsequent nights were even worse. Beth had three boyfriends. Each one of them took turns spending the night at our house. Some nights Beth's best friend and her boyfriend spent the night (11 year old me came down to the family room in my pjs one morning to see a naked couple on the sofa bed) too.
Lots of late night partying and alcohol every night, strange men spending the night, I saw my first R rated move that weekend...

But what else could my parents do? They wanted to go to Belgium, and they "deserved it, damn it!"

You'd think they would have learned their lesson, but no. A few years later they went to Hawaii (yes, they "deserved it, damn it") and this time hired another compete stranger to watch their children while they were overseas. This time it was an older lady, that was completely against 14 year old me being out past 9 pm on a Friday night. Ok...but the problem was--I wasn't just out having fun with friends--this was for my school marching band/football game. The game went until 10 pm at night and then I had to change and get a ride home. My parents knew this was mandatory (marching band was counted in place of PE in my school--so it was an actual graded class and I would be marked down for not attending) but didn't communicate it with the babysitter--and the babysitter didn't care when I told her. When I returned home that night (directly from the game) she had dead bolted the door so I couldn't get in (yes, she was well aware I did not have a key to that lock!) She wanted me to face "consequences" for being out past the curfew she made up!
She was just a mean nasty abusive woman who screamed at my younger brother until he cried when he didn't eat his vegetables. It was really awful. But my parents wanted to go to Hawaii and they "deserved it, damn it!" so us kids just had to deal with it.

But yeah, of course they were allowed to go on vacation without us--those are the two big overseas trips they took without us--but there were many others that were shorter or over school breaks so they were able to send us to a family member's house instead of hiring random strangers. We never went on family vacations that were not tied to a work conference for my dad or a family wedding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My whole life my mother has done this and she gushes about the person until mom is dumped by her new found daughter or mom does the dumping. What I came to realize is usually the person had many qualities and life choices she would rip to shreds if they were from me. I used to take it so personally and wonder what was wrong with me that she could not appreciate what I did for her or who I was. Now that she is older and far crueler to me, I am just glad to hear she still finds people willing to spend time with her since some of her friends are fading away/ disappearing and not due to death or illness. Now that I don't say anything, but "that's wonderful!" and I guess I don't get any anxiety or hurt in my voice, she ups the ante and does an actual comparison for me of why my peer is better better than I am. I don't react and just make an excuse to get off the phone or I don't return the text. Does anyone else's mother do this sort of thing?

Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!

Wait... so your parents aren’t allowed to go on vacation without you?

Of course they were, and they always did. They "deserved it, damn it!" And it didn't matter what happened to their kids while they were gone. If you really want to know more about that trip to Belgium...They didn't have family that could come stay with us, and they didn't want to send us to a family member's house because we'd miss school.

There was a family in our neighborhood, my little brother was friends with their son. My mom used to always say that Caroline (the mom) was a neglectful mother--the little girl in the family was about 3-4 years old and she'd be outside playing in the snow in nothing but a t shirt--no shoes, no pants, just a t shirt!
So of course, when my parents needed to find a babysitter for us while they were in Belgium for a week--who could they ask for a recommendation? Why, Caroline--the "neglectful mother!" And Caroline had someone in mind--a 22 year old woman named Beth.
I think my mom met Beth once before they left. The first night Beth took us into Boston (about a 45 minute drive away) on a school night. The circus was in town and she was able to get free tickets from her boss at work--nice, right? On the way home she stopped at a bar (she said her mom was in the bar and she needed to talk to her mom.) My brother's and I waited in the parking lot of the bar for what seemed like at least an hour (by now it was about 10 pm on a school night.)
So that was the first night.

The subsequent nights were even worse. Beth had three boyfriends. Each one of them took turns spending the night at our house. Some nights Beth's best friend and her boyfriend spent the night (11 year old me came down to the family room in my pjs one morning to see a naked couple on the sofa bed) too.
Lots of late night partying and alcohol every night, strange men spending the night, I saw my first R rated move that weekend...

But what else could my parents do? They wanted to go to Belgium, and they "deserved it, damn it!"

You'd think they would have learned their lesson, but no. A few years later they went to Hawaii (yes, they "deserved it, damn it") and this time hired another compete stranger to watch their children while they were overseas. This time it was an older lady, that was completely against 14 year old me being out past 9 pm on a Friday night. Ok...but the problem was--I wasn't just out having fun with friends--this was for my school marching band/football game. The game went until 10 pm at night and then I had to change and get a ride home. My parents knew this was mandatory (marching band was counted in place of PE in my school--so it was an actual graded class and I would be marked down for not attending) but didn't communicate it with the babysitter--and the babysitter didn't care when I told her. When I returned home that night (directly from the game) she had dead bolted the door so I couldn't get in (yes, she was well aware I did not have a key to that lock!) She wanted me to face "consequences" for being out past the curfew she made up!
She was just a mean nasty abusive woman who screamed at my younger brother until he cried when he didn't eat his vegetables. It was really awful. But my parents wanted to go to Hawaii and they "deserved it, damn it!" so us kids just had to deal with it.

But yeah, of course they were allowed to go on vacation without us--those are the two big overseas trips they took without us--but there were many others that were shorter or over school breaks so they were able to send us to a family member's house instead of hiring random strangers. We never went on family vacations that were not tied to a work conference for my dad or a family wedding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom does a version of this. She wouldn't actually take on a mother-daughter relationship, but she if she met someone my age who really impressed her, she would go on and on about it in detail ... repeatedly ... ad nauseam. I thought it was weird but at the same time, I didn't mind much because I don't really spend time comparing myself to people who are doing things I'm not interested in.

One time, it was her friend's niece, who had won the state beauty pageant, and was "so exquisite." My mother went so far as to state that while my sister and I were pretty, we were not in the same league as this beauty pageant winner. I accepted this as fact, but my sister was very offended and said she feels that out of all the people in the world, at least your mother should think you're the prettiest. And I think she has a point!

Another time, it was this political/media personality. My mother met her at her workplace and was enthralled. Would not shut up about how this woman was so accomplished, so put together, so amazing. Imagine, for her to be so impressive and only the same age as me, etc. I can't tell you how many times I had to hear this woman's name. She was relatively unknown at the time, but now known nationally. I don't watch TV news shows, but it always hits me when I read her name in the news. I loathe everything that the woman stands for. I wouldn't want to be like her at all.

Meanwhile, at some point I noticed that my mother could not stand to hear anything nice about anyone else. And I wouldn't even doing it "on purpose" or about women she could compare herself to, either. Just casual conversation, like "Oh, I just love Stacy, she's awesome," talking about my sister's friend. This type of comment would make her stop, pause and go pale. "Really, what's so great about Stacy?" So then I have to justify that Stacy is fun-loving, positive and seems to have great relationships with her kids! "Doesn't sound all that awesome to me!" LOL. Yeah, she would have really lost her mind if I had started talking about a surrogate mother figure, as a PP suggested, and it would not have been effective.

FYI, my mother is a diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I know some people here feel that you should focus on the behavior and not the label, and I agree there's some truth in that, but it helped me to know that my mother had a mental illness with a name. It's amazing how BPDs have so many behaviors in common.

I’m the PP who said I don’t egg my mom on because it wouldn’t serve me and I think she’s already sick enough and probably in enough mental pain. I think my mom is likely BPD with some narcissistic tendencies. But we will probably never know, because she won’t attend family counseling and she will only see a psychiatrist long enough to score meds without working on any underlying problems. I know she has spent her life building up a false persona (I’m so tough, I do everything alone, I can compartmentalization my stress, etc). I think it would kill her to face her real self and be vulnerable enough to get some work done in therapy. It’s like the false self is the only thing holding her very fragile and damaged ego together.

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, I had a mom like that too. One example I can think of: When I was in middle school my parents were planning a trip to Belgium--for themselves, of course! My brothers and I were not included. Anyway, to prepare for this trip, they took a french class at some local community center, I saw the paper work and it said all ages. I asked if I could take the class too--and was told of course not.
Once the class started my mom was constantly gushing about a little girl (about a year younger than me) that was in the class. Wasn't she just amazing for taking a french class at such a young age! Oh she's just wonderful and SO SMART! Etc. After every class they took, I got to hear all about this girl.

Many years later when I was adult, my mom would go on and on about her "work daughter" Katie. Katie was having problems with her boyfriend and my mom even invited Katie to come live with her and my dad!