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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sorry OP. Is willing to get treatment for alcoholism?  I am guessing that given he was routinely drinking 8 to 10 drinks a night on the weekends (and possibly weeknights too but hiding it) that he is a full-blown alcoholic and not just dependent on alcohol?  It’s very likely that he never cut back on his drinking at all and just became better about hiding it. I’m sorry you’re going through this.  [/quote]

OP here. Thank you. I do think he did sort of cut back - I only say that because we are together so much and worst case, all the “out in the open” drinking had stopped.  I don’t say that to defend him, but I noticed some of the health stuff getting better (the snoring has stopped/ lessened, his BP has been lower, his T levels have gotten into the normal range) both in observance of these as well as a couple rounds of his bloodwork.
That does not make any of this better, though. He still lied (a second time now, and god knows how many others) and that’s where a big part of my disappointment / worry / frustration / heartbreak comes from.
To answer your question, he doesn’t feel he’s an alcoholic, so I don’t think he’d get treatment. However if our marriage depended on it, he would. Despite these issues, he’s a wonderful, dedicated husband and would do anything for me.  I know that’s contradictory based on what actions I’ve outlined, but other than those things, he would do anything for me/ us. We’re both at work right now, haven’t spoken all morning, and I don’t know what to do or say. I’m worried about his mental health right now because I know he’s an anxious mess due to last night and me not talking to him. [/quote]

I’m so sorry OP. I just posed but hadn’t read the entire thread.

Please get counseling for you. This is incredibly difficult. You may have an EAP through your employer. That may be a good starting point. You may want to look for someone that has experience with addiction.

You cannot control your husband or his drinking. It will need to be his choice to stop, or reduce, if he ever does. You are in charge of yourself, and how you respond to his choices and behavior. A counselor can help you figure out what your limits are, and how to establish them with your husband respectfully.

A lot of people find al anon is helpful and they have lots of anonymous calls happening daily. I personally did not find it helpful and stopped after the recommended 6 meetings. I did find my counselor hugely helpful, especially in the beginning when the scope of my husbands addiction (and lies, etc) started becoming clear and I felt like my world was unraveling. There are many many of us on this board with an alcoholic spouse or loved one and while it can be a great source of support, it is no substitute for trained professionals. 
[/quote]

OP here. Thank you so much for your (and everyones) kind words. I do have experience with Al-anon as my older sister is an alcoholic, but this was years ago.  I just got a therapist rec from my friend and have emailed her (for me). I don’t know what to say to him later on. I feel “checked out”. Not from our marriage, just from this same old song and dance. He’s a gentle soul and I know he needs my love and support right now, and it’s hurting my heart that I’m essentially icing him out right now. This only happened last night so I’m just kind of processing and thinking before we see each other later. I can’t help but feel like I entrapped him last night (like, almost I set him up to lie to me). That wasn’t cool on my part. But now it’s done, and he chose to lie, and that’s where a lot of my hurt is coming from. But at the end of the day this is about him having a problem, and seeking help/ changes. I want to be helpful and supportive of him, but I need my anger and hurt to subside first. [/quote]

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