I grew up with an alcoholic parent. My mother also felt guilty for being the “dictator wife,” but through therapy, she learned how to set down boundaries. My dad cannot control his drinking so if he wants to stay married to my mother, he has to agree to be monitored by her.

STOP FEELING GUILTY FOR HIM LYING TO YOU.

You did not set up up or entrap him. He chose to lie to you about drinking, which is a huge, huge red flag.

I am really sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you are taking seriously, and honestly, given that it's having health impacts, this is a bigger problem than you probably even realize. I know someone who DIED when his organs started shutting down after alcoholism -- this was a 50 year old man who seemed to be in good health. It's nothing to sweep under the rug.

I suspect your husband really can't be a social drinker either. Someone who is lying about drinking a beer and pouring hard alcohol into Gatorade CANNOT QUIT and is an alcoholic. I'd insist on rehab and a sober existence from here on out.

Another alcoholic I know (divorced, estranged from parents) has gone further and further downhill because she has had no one looking out for her on a daily basis and insisting she clean up. Your DH is lucky you are there and you really should not be ok with him "drinking less" because what he will do is hide alcohol and make you think he is drinking less, when he really won't be.

OP, you seem to betaking responsibility for his emotional state. You did not “force him” into lying; he was hiding alcohol and chose to lie. He has been hiding it for a long time, and it’s very likely the cause of his health issues (I regularly saw patients in withdrawal/detox from alcohol and they were very, very sick when they came in.

This is a terrible, painful situation for you both that you did not cause or create. He is an emotional wreck because he has anxiety that he is self-medicating and not willing to face head-on, and he is an alcoholic. Yes, your distress is painful to him but you are not responsible for that pain. There seems to be some enmeshment here where it may be hard for you to gauge where you end and he begins.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. Is willing to get treatment for alcoholism? I am guessing that given he was routinely drinking 8 to 10 drinks a night on the weekends (and possibly weeknights too but hiding it) that he is a full-blown alcoholic and not just dependent on alcohol? It’s very likely that he never cut back on his drinking at all and just became better about hiding it. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

OP here. Thank you. I do think he did sort of cut back - I only say that because we are together so much and worst case, all the “out in the open” drinking had stopped. I don’t say that to defend him, but I noticed some of the health stuff getting better (the snoring has stopped/ lessened, his BP has been lower, his T levels have gotten into the normal range) both in observance of these as well as a couple rounds of his bloodwork.
That does not make any of this better, though. He still lied (a second time now, and god knows how many others) and that’s where a big part of my disappointment / worry / frustration / heartbreak comes from.
To answer your question, he doesn’t feel he’s an alcoholic, so I don’t think he’d get treatment. However if our marriage depended on it, he would. Despite these issues, he’s a wonderful, dedicated husband and would do anything for me. I know that’s contradictory based on what actions I’ve outlined, but other than those things, he would do anything for me/ us. We’re both at work right now, haven’t spoken all morning, and I don’t know what to do or say. I’m worried about his mental health right now because I know he’s an anxious mess due to last night and me not talking to him.

I’m so sorry OP. I just posed but hadn’t read the entire thread.

Please get counseling for you. This is incredibly difficult. You may have an EAP through your employer. That may be a good starting point. You may want to look for someone that has experience with addiction.

You cannot control your husband or his drinking. It will need to be his choice to stop, or reduce, if he ever does. You are in charge of yourself, and how you respond to his choices and behavior. A counselor can help you figure out what your limits are, and how to establish them with your husband respectfully.

A lot of people find al anon is helpful and they have lots of anonymous calls happening daily. I personally did not find it helpful and stopped after the recommended 6 meetings. I did find my counselor hugely helpful, especially in the beginning when the scope of my husbands addiction (and lies, etc) started becoming clear and I felt like my world was unraveling. There are many many of us on this board with an alcoholic spouse or loved one and while it can be a great source of support, it is no substitute for trained professionals.

OP here. Thank you so much for your (and everyones) kind words. I do have experience with Al-anon as my older sister is an alcoholic, but this was years ago. I just got a therapist rec from my friend and have emailed her (for me). I don’t know what to say to him later on. I feel “checked out”. Not from our marriage, just from this same old song and dance. He’s a gentle soul and I know he needs my love and support right now, and it’s hurting my heart that I’m essentially icing him out right now. This only happened last night so I’m just kind of processing and thinking before we see each other later. I can’t help but feel like I entrapped him last night (like, almost I set him up to lie to me). That wasn’t cool on my part. But now it’s done, and he chose to lie, and that’s where a lot of my hurt is coming from. But at the end of the day this is about him having a problem, and seeking help/ changes. I want to be helpful and supportive of him, but I need my anger and hurt to subside first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. Is willing to get treatment for alcoholism? I am guessing that given he was routinely drinking 8 to 10 drinks a night on the weekends (and possibly weeknights too but hiding it) that he is a full-blown alcoholic and not just dependent on alcohol? It’s very likely that he never cut back on his drinking at all and just became better about hiding it. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

OP here. Thank you. I do think he did sort of cut back - I only say that because we are together so much and worst case, all the “out in the open” drinking had stopped. I don’t say that to defend him, but I noticed some of the health stuff getting better (the snoring has stopped/ lessened, his BP has been lower, his T levels have gotten into the normal range) both in observance of these as well as a couple rounds of his bloodwork.
That does not make any of this better, though. He still lied (a second time now, and god knows how many others) and that’s where a big part of my disappointment / worry / frustration / heartbreak comes from.
To answer your question, he doesn’t feel he’s an alcoholic, so I don’t think he’d get treatment. However if our marriage depended on it, he would. Despite these issues, he’s a wonderful, dedicated husband and would do anything for me. I know that’s contradictory based on what actions I’ve outlined, but other than those things, he would do anything for me/ us. We’re both at work right now, haven’t spoken all morning, and I don’t know what to do or say. I’m worried about his mental health right now because I know he’s an anxious mess due to last night and me not talking to him.

I’m so sorry OP. I just posed but hadn’t read the entire thread.

Please get counseling for you. This is incredibly difficult. You may have an EAP through your employer. That may be a good starting point. You may want to look for someone that has experience with addiction.

You cannot control your husband or his drinking. It will need to be his choice to stop, or reduce, if he ever does. You are in charge of yourself, and how you respond to his choices and behavior. A counselor can help you figure out what your limits are, and how to establish them with your husband respectfully.

A lot of people find al anon is helpful and they have lots of anonymous calls happening daily. I personally did not find it helpful and stopped after the recommended 6 meetings. I did find my counselor hugely helpful, especially in the beginning when the scope of my husbands addiction (and lies, etc) started becoming clear and I felt like my world was unraveling. There are many many of us on this board with an alcoholic spouse or loved one and while it can be a great source of support, it is no substitute for trained professionals.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend found out her husband was a closet alcoholic when he went away on a Reserves weekend (no alcohol). He had a seizure and was hospitalized. He was going through withdrawal. I would have a talk with him.

OP here. I spend all day with him or in his vicinity (both WFH) and he doesn’t do much without me. We don’t keep a lot of alcohol in the house (due to us cutting way back) and I would know if he was hiding/ sneaking it. The two times he had a seizure were on a weekday and we were together the evening before.
I fully recognize he (and to some extent, we) had been drinking too much, however, and I’m not saying it wasn’t a factor or the main factor - but I guess it didn’t occur to me that the amount I describe could do it, especially where with the second one, he had cut way back.

OP, I say this gently, but you have no way of knowing if he was hiding/sneaking it, even with both of you at home. Ask me how I know.

Alcohol abuse could explain both the seizures and the anxiety.

An abrupt end to frequent exercise can also be contributing to the anxiety.

Regardless, this is a traumatic and stressful experience for you both and I highly recommend at least your husband try to see a counselor who specializes in anxiety. Yes, someone can prescribe him a Valium or Xanax to end a panic attack, but what’s better is a skill set that helps recognize when one is coming and take steps to try to avoid it, or reduce the severity. I had disabling panic attacks at one point in my life and CBT helped me tremendously.

Has anyone mentioned Al-Anon to you? You deserve support. I’m sorry I don’t have more for you. You are in my thoughts.

Sorry, OP. I was going to suggest you check his water bottles.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. Is willing to get treatment for alcoholism? I am guessing that given he was routinely drinking 8 to 10 drinks a night on the weekends (and possibly weeknights too but hiding it) that he is a full-blown alcoholic and not just dependent on alcohol? It’s very likely that he never cut back on his drinking at all and just became better about hiding it. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

OP here. Thank you. I do think he did sort of cut back - I only say that because we are together so much and worst case, all the “out in the open” drinking had stopped. I don’t say that to defend him, but I noticed some of the health stuff getting better (the snoring has stopped/ lessened, his BP has been lower, his T levels have gotten into the normal range) both in observance of these as well as a couple rounds of his bloodwork.
That does not make any of this better, though. He still lied (a second time now, and god knows how many others) and that’s where a big part of my disappointment / worry / frustration / heartbreak comes from.
To answer your question, he doesn’t feel he’s an alcoholic, so I don’t think he’d get treatment. However if our marriage depended on it, he would. Despite these issues, he’s a wonderful, dedicated husband and would do anything for me. I know that’s contradictory based on what actions I’ve outlined, but other than those things, he would do anything for me/ us. We’re both at work right now, haven’t spoken all morning, and I don’t know what to do or say. I’m worried about his mental health right now because I know he’s an anxious mess due to last night and me not talking to him.

Sorry OP. Is willing to get treatment for alcoholism? I am guessing that given he was routinely drinking 8 to 10 drinks a night on the weekends (and possibly weeknights too but hiding it) that he is a full-blown alcoholic and not just dependent on alcohol? It’s very likely that he never cut back on his drinking at all and just became better about hiding it. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

OP here. Didn’t mean to ghost the thread. Updates:

His neurologist came up empty. Thinks the first seizure was definitely due to high BP (it was higher than she’s ever seen and since they took several attempts to get it back down) and the second seizure was a mystery. Because one was “with cause”, this rules out epilepsy (need 2 or more without cause). That being said, I’m not sold. DH isn’t either, but he’s also not the type to keep looking for answers/ doesn’t do a lot of medical research (meanwhile I’m all over the internet looking for any shred of answers). He’ll go back in 6 months for another work up.

His sleep study came back as negative for sleep apnea. Interestingly, since he cut way back on drinking, he’s been snoring less and sleeping better, and the sleep study was done after cutting back. I’m thinking the sleep issues were definitely alcohol related. I’m sure he’s a snorer by nature, and the alcohol exacerbated it.

Regarding the drinking.. some of you can pat yourselves on the back for knowing what I should have known: he’s been secretly drinking. About a week after I wrote this post, I took a swig of his Gatorade and gagged. There was vodka in it. I confronted him which turned into a big argument, of course. At first he said it was the first time he’s done it. Later in the conversation he admitted to “doing it a handful of times” over the last couple months. Basically, we decided to cut back due to all the health reasons and to improve our marriage (since he knows I’ve grown to get incredibly irritated at his drinking habits, but also as we get older I want to pay more attention to our health in general, his issues aside) - so his solution was to indeed cut back, but continue having the occasional spiked juice, secretly, in and out of my presence.
After fighting (moreso me, at him) I told him he needs therapy to address his issues (which lead to anxiety, which leads him to drink) and to completely stop drinking.
He said to give him a few weeks to think about the therapy thing (I’m not an idiot - that means he won’t and is hoping I’ll drop it) and to please consider that he may not be an alcoholic but needs to adapt much better habits surrounding drinking. Essentially “I f*cked up, please give me another chance”. So I did - meaning, I’m not asking you to stop drinking, but you need to stick with what we “both” agreed to - better habits including X Y and Z examples.
I said if you sneak around and lie again, I’m done. I don’t mean the big ‘D’ word but I just can’t handle another instance of lying. I’ve been there done that (my ex was a cheater) and although that’s not the same, I know myself and I know I won’t mentally be able to handle feeling betrayed again.

Fast forward to yesterday. We’re having a lazy Sunday. He’s been addicted to Diet Coke ever since he’s been drinking less. He had about 2, went into the kitchen to pour another (he always drinks out of his cooler cup) but instead, he takes a can out of the fridge and pours it in, but in the sink. I glanced quickly and saw him toss the beer can in recycling, purposely using his body to hide it. I didn’t say anything right away (I’m not sure why, I think I was trying to figure out if this was a big deal or not). A few hours later I looked at him and said “have you been drinking today?” He said “No”. I said “are you sure?” And he said “yes. Why??” I said “DH, I saw you pour a beer into your cup. I looked over to ask you something and you were clearly hiding the fact that you were pouring a beer. I saw it. You just lied to me”

I know, I sound like an d*ck for “setting him up”. Another argument ensued, cue emotional crying on his part, I’m so sorry. Please give me another chance. I can’t lose you. I’m so sorry. Etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I set him up to fail. I feel like if he wanted a beer, he could’ve just had a beer. Yes I would’ve been a little annoyed given what we agreed to, but I also would’ve given him a pass since he’s been “good” lately and we’re just sitting around watching a movie. Who cares if he wants a beer. Instead, he hid it from me because his dictator wife won’t let him drink when he wants to. When asked, he lied, because it was easier than being honest. We’ve all done it. But I asked even though I already knew the answer - that’s kind of messed up on my part (I think). My main issue is the lying. I can’t handle lying. It tears me up inside and turns me into an incredibly anxious person and it’s hard to come back from that.

I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like he 100% has a drinking problem (I could list a dozen examples here of past incidents) and is working on it, despite a couple slip ups. Despite that, I feel like I created this giant issue and now he’s destined to fail because I can’t forgive the slip ups. I guess I am looking for support or for someone to tell me to lighten up? Please be kind, I’m torn up inside right now.

Anonymous wrote:Ask the doc about this:
https://www.mountsinai.org/health-library/diseases-conditions/malignant-hypertension

+1 - when you described his symptoms I was immediately reminded of my severe pre-eclampsia with my second pregnancy. A lot of the same issues - I never had a seizure (b/c they admitted my to the hospital and I was constantly monitored) but the HBP, nausea, vomiting, weakness, sudden onset headaches, etc.

I wouldn't rule out that is due to alcohol, but I'm kind of with you - you'd know or have suspicions. It would be very hard for someone drinking to the point of seizures to successfully hide all evidence for years. That said, I would remove all alcohol from the house and ask him not to drink while going through diagnosis. Alcohol messes up your sleep and exacerbates anxiety and depression. It's just not good for him to have around for where he is at right now.

OP, did you get any answers?

Three thoughts:

1) a neighbor had covid in the early, early days (like feb 2020). Theydidn't even have a test for it at the hospital. She had, and continues to have, seizures from it and can no longer drive, etc. She was very, very sick, almost died. This is a long shot but thought I'd mention it.

2) alcohol withdrawal is worse every time someone relapses and then tries to stop. Something about the neurotransmitters going nuts. If he's been in a pattern of heavy drinking, then stopping, then relapsing, this could be what is going on .His consumption is not as high many folks who get by without seizures, but the alcohol could be exacerbating something else going on.

3) keep trying to find an answer. Address the alcohol but make sure you have doctors who are not satisfied with that as the answer if he continues to have concerning symptoms. I would also have an allergist look at this case.