Reply to Should I Talk to My Family About Conflict With My Brother?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You want your parents to pick a side. Your side. And they won't because you are both equally at fault. They aren't even on his side. You sound very immature. Grow up.[/quote]

I am honestly trying to take in the constructive criticism and learn, but I don't understand what you mean by "Grow up".

I am trying to be mature. My brother chooses to make hurtful comments, accuse me of being wrong in a million different ways, and no amount of conversation with him will change this. I can't keep putting up with being treated so badly. I thought the emotionally mature thing to do would be to disengage.

I told my parents that I am willing to come to family events and be polite, but I just cannot keep trying to have a close relationship with him. They are insisting that we make up, and are faulting me for the whole situation.

He is completely fine continuing the relationship as it is (he insults me, I have to just deal with it), and also blames me for not wanting to play ball.

What exactly are my right next steps here?
[/quote]

Just ignore as much as possible and refuse to engage. Don't answer texts and calls or just say "Ok" and not take the bait. Keep it surface level like a casual acquaintance. Walk away when he insults, change the topic, say it's time to go, there are a lot of options.[/quote]

This is good advice OP. My sister is like this and so is my mother. I loved the book Adult Children of Emotionally immature People recommended on DCUM. It gave me ideas of how to have some connection, but accept it would not be the type of relationship I value because they just aren't like that. Stop with the verbal boundaries. I tried with my family and they cannot handle boundaries stated. I just do it. If I am insulted I change subject or just say "hmmm." If I can, I make an excuse to leave. If someone tries to guilt trip me I might reflect back "Oh so you say i don't do enough for you. Hmmm." I stopped explaining, justifying or reasoning because you cannot reason with unreasonable. If I were accused of being cheap I might just calmly say "Oh, I am sorry your kids didn't like the gifts. I had hoped they would."

Do not drag other people in and try to help them see your side. My sister has had cousins cut off from her because she is that toxic and it is ALWAYS the other person's fault according to our parents. My grandparents saw her for who she was, but they are no longer living. If mom says I need to do x, y and z and be closer with my sister, I just change the subject.

I get talked down to and given unsolicited advice too. I just pretend like I am deaf and calmly change the subject. If it gets repeated I might excuse myself to the bathroom. If I actually confront it verbally calmly ask that they refrain  from this I set off drama because they cannot handle it.

Keep conversations light and boring and when they bait you as the PP says "Do NOT, I repeat do NOT take the bait." They want to push your buttons. I truly think for some people it gives them a dopamine fix.[/quote]

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