Reply to Should I Talk to My Family About Conflict With My Brother?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You are never going to get your brother to change.

[b]You are never going to get your parents to pick a side.

The only thing you can do is change yourself, and how you react to situations.

You don't need to create drama by saying that you shouldn't speak, or by dragging your parents into it.[/b]

You can just quietly reduce contact with him. And when you speak to him and he says mean things, then calmly withdraw from the conversation. If he is pleasant then you can engage a little more. You need to understand that his nastyness comes from a place of inferiority, and his views on the role of a woman from a place of ignorance. He can only undermine your sense of self-worth if you let him. Frankly, he sounds sad, so I don't know why you would care about his approval. Just relax, and take a deep breath, and deescalate the whole relationship. [/quote]

I don't ask my parents to choose between me and my sister, who is my only sibling and who is also incredibly dysfunctional.  My parents know the latter, and go to great lengths to support her.  While they have more insight than you describe your parents as having, it's also not fair to put them in the middle of your adult relationship with your adult sibling.  I recently had to set a hard boundary with my sister, and she overreacted, as she usually does.  I didn't talk about it with my parents, because it's irrelevant.  I have my relationship with them, and she has hers.  When we must see each other, I set the needed boundaries and we go from there.

It's painful and it sucks, but this approach is also FAR better and calmer than what you describe.  My sister occupies almost none of my headspace.  I can parent and function and be there for my own family and friends.  I'm not responsible for her, and you're not responsible for your brother.  Focus on what you can control, i.e., you.[/quote]

OP. Thank you for this advice! And to everyone who is helping me see this more clearly and find a more sustainable path. I really really appreciate it. [/quote]
You’re welcome, OP.  It really is hard, and so many people don’t get it (as evidenced by this thread).  Hang in there—it’s a process, but positive change is absolutely possible.[/quote]

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