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[quote=Anonymous]Why are you posting, op? Serious question. What about your kid’s partner gives you pause?

Know that your kid can live the life they want, just as you could/can. You may not want a stay-at-home spouse, maybe your kid does.

As for physical issues, I can respect the person who says to stay away from that.  If they’ve only had negative experiences, their position makes sense.  Ditto if they work in a profession where they are meant to correct a given condition. Also, disability porn is very real, people expect sweet pliant humans if you have a disability, you simply aren’t “allowed” to express anger or displeasure even if you do it appropriately, even if the situation is one that would annoy anybody.  This gets even more difficult if the person with the disability picks up on a bad situation, a home contractor who seems like they are unethical a teacher who is being a bully to their kid, that sort of thing.  It’s easy to get labeled as bitter, mean, disgruntled if you are dealing with someone who doesn’t understand that the door installer doesn’t know the terms he should know, or that the blinds installer literally came to your house and said “Oh, I didn’t budget enough time for this job, I’ll have to come back” especially if the person you are talking to doesn’t realize that these two examples are business transactions not favors.  My husband and I sometimes get into it when he thinks I’m being the mean b**ch when we are in a situation where I know we are about to get screwed. He was stunned the first time I said to a vendor very calmly “I don’t care what the majority of your customers want, I won’t sign this contract as its written”. Later on, my husband told me I was right and said “I need you here when we sign anything”.

That being said, there are indeed people with disabilities who are just nasty, just like anybody else.

There are plenty of people with physical challenges who do just fine.  I m one of them and my husband and kids seem to like me just fine. Along with my ability to spot problems in contracts and deal with them effectively, I showed one of my kids how to check for expiration dates on milk jugs the other day.  I like to play a song for my kids before school, sometimes a silly one, sometimes a thoughtful one, and my kid liked this morning’s selection so much she put it on repeat.  It was a thoughtful song, not a silly one. Before she left for school she said “This time I mean it, I’m going to talk to my teacher about you coming back to my class”. I comforted my high schooler after a rough day yesterday, in addition to washing a bunch of her clothes. This morning I got her the supplies she needs for a school project.  This afternoon I’m going with my husband to *his* doctor’s appointment. I seem to be very good at getting my family the medical care they need.

As I write this, I’m not sure my mother-in-law is aware of what I do.. it’s not something you can bring up in polite conversation without sounding like you are bragging.  These are also the sort of things that all moms do, of course I’ll wash my kids clothes. In other words, you don’t get noticed for doing the things you should be doing anyway. Clearly, I’m not a drain on my family.

My husband’s mom had never met anyone with my disability who functioned normally, not until my husband (then boyfriend) brought me home to meet her.  I know for a fact she had her doubts, she may still have them, she once made a nasty comment when we were expecting our second kid. The problem is that you can’t answer questions to things you haven’t experienced yet, something the world expects a person with a disability to do.  Things like “How will you deal with homework” when you have an infant, or “how will you care for your husband after surgery” when the reality is that the couple will figure it out as they need to, same as anybody else.

Know too that your positive bias is to your own kid. That’s probably as it should be.  Just make sure you don’t have so much negative bias you poison your kids against someone who seems kind and has a good sense of integrity.  Know too that as adults and as couples, there will be aspects of your kid’s home, romantic and sexual life you will know nothing about. You also won’t know how your kid treats their partner. Should a divorce happen, I can guarantee you, your kid won’t tell you “yeah mom, I banged my coworker”. Or “yeah mom, when the basement flooded I told my wife it was her problem to deal with, then I went out with my friends”.     
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