This is original poster of this thread. There is no real question so far, just trying to learn the ropes as my adult “children” are entering the age where people start looking for serious partners on dating sites.

This thread truly got derailed. I don’t care about my offspring or their spouses staying home, working from home or practically living at work type workaholics. They’ll figure out which dynamics work best for their family and finances. It’s not my job to manage personal life of an adult couple. My own father-in-law was a stay at home dad/“artist” and MIL was really focused on her high profile career.

My question was about staying quite or saying something if they pick someone who has any giant red flags.

Anonymous wrote:Signs that the individual is a gold digger. Plans to quit working as soon as she is married, expensive hobbies and unrealistic expectations about life together and living standard.

I am now describing my brother's wife. Buyer beware.

men don’t care if she’s hot. 🔥

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

It sounds very clear unless reader is trying to be obtuse because it’s hitting a nerve.

Agree. If there are drugs and debt involved then drama is sure to follow. Post above gives example of how a SO's criminal family member WILL affect adult children. "OH, we need to bail my daddy out of jail again." If that's not drama I don't know what is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

It sounds very clear unless reader is trying to be obtuse because it’s hitting a nerve.

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

Would you care to elaborate, in a more mature and nuanced way, what you mean by “drama”? Are you a “Real Housewife of Potomac”?

Why are you posting, op? Serious question. What about your kid’s partner gives you pause?

Know that your kid can live the life they want, just as you could/can. You may not want a stay-at-home spouse, maybe your kid does.

As for physical issues, I can respect the person who says to stay away from that. If they’ve only had negative experiences, their position makes sense. Ditto if they work in a profession where they are meant to correct a given condition. Also, disability porn is very real, people expect sweet pliant humans if you have a disability, you simply aren’t “allowed” to express anger or displeasure even if you do it appropriately, even if the situation is one that would annoy anybody. This gets even more difficult if the person with the disability picks up on a bad situation, a home contractor who seems like they are unethical a teacher who is being a bully to their kid, that sort of thing. It’s easy to get labeled as bitter, mean, disgruntled if you are dealing with someone who doesn’t understand that the door installer doesn’t know the terms he should know, or that the blinds installer literally came to your house and said “Oh, I didn’t budget enough time for this job, I’ll have to come back” especially if the person you are talking to doesn’t realize that these two examples are business transactions not favors. My husband and I sometimes get into it when he thinks I’m being the mean b**ch when we are in a situation where I know we are about to get screwed. He was stunned the first time I said to a vendor very calmly “I don’t care what the majority of your customers want, I won’t sign this contract as its written”. Later on, my husband told me I was right and said “I need you here when we sign anything”.


That being said, there are indeed people with disabilities who are just nasty, just like anybody else.

There are plenty of people with physical challenges who do just fine. I m one of them and my husband and kids seem to like me just fine. Along with my ability to spot problems in contracts and deal with them effectively, I showed one of my kids how to check for expiration dates on milk jugs the other day. I like to play a song for my kids before school, sometimes a silly one, sometimes a thoughtful one, and my kid liked this morning’s selection so much she put it on repeat. It was a thoughtful song, not a silly one. Before she left for school she said “This time I mean it, I’m going to talk to my teacher about you coming back to my class”. I comforted my high schooler after a rough day yesterday, in addition to washing a bunch of her clothes. This morning I got her the supplies she needs for a school project. This afternoon I’m going with my husband to *his* doctor’s appointment. I seem to be very good at getting my family the medical care they need.

As I write this, I’m not sure my mother-in-law is aware of what I do.. it’s not something you can bring up in polite conversation without sounding like you are bragging. These are also the sort of things that all moms do, of course I’ll wash my kids clothes. In other words, you don’t get noticed for doing the things you should be doing anyway. Clearly, I’m not a drain on my family.

My husband’s mom had never met anyone with my disability who functioned normally, not until my husband (then boyfriend) brought me home to meet her. I know for a fact she had her doubts, she may still have them, she once made a nasty comment when we were expecting our second kid. The problem is that you can’t answer questions to things you haven’t experienced yet, something the world expects a person with a disability to do. Things like “How will you deal with homework” when you have an infant, or “how will you care for your husband after surgery” when the reality is that the couple will figure it out as they need to, same as anybody else.

Know too that your positive bias is to your own kid. That’s probably as it should be. Just make sure you don’t have so much negative bias you poison your kids against someone who seems kind and has a good sense of integrity. Know too that as adults and as couples, there will be aspects of your kid’s home, romantic and sexual life you will know nothing about. You also won’t know how your kid treats their partner. Should a divorce happen, I can guarantee you, your kid won’t tell you “yeah mom, I banged my coworker”. Or “yeah mom, when the basement flooded I told my wife it was her problem to deal with, then I went out with my friends”.

I know a situation where the Adult Child (AC) comes from a well-educated UMC family, attended university and is now in a high-income profession. Family money is significant and AC was been able to purchase large single family home and a vacation home with family money.

Enter the SO. SO comes from an extremely dysfunctional "family" where both parents abused drugs and father has a long list of felony convictions including domestic violence, battery and forgery. SO never finished high school, has no interest in a GED and works in retail. SO's political views and interests are polar opposite to what AC's used to be.

Of course these were huge red flags when AC introduced SO to family members. We held our tongues. AC and SO are now married and still together years later. By all appearances are quite blissfully happy. AC picks up the tab for everything and SO enjoys spending it.

The felon FIL is fully integrated into their family life and AC financially supported his bail and his attorney during his ongoing law breaking events.

Seems to work for them.

This will not go well op. Cheer for your kid, even when you are skeptical. Be a shoulder to cry on later. Land your helicopter.

Is the relationship drama-free? Because if there’s one problem after another with arguments and constant issues while you are “dating” …why continue?

Also - are there children involved? Ex-partners or spouses? How are those relationships? Contentious? What about family relationships? Are the parents together? At war with each other although long-divorced/separated?

Is this person loving and kind towards my adult child? Respectful, polite and nice in general?

I will love who they love and would like to think that my adult DC will attract a truly good person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously abuse, drugs, criminal history are clear signs but what other issues do you consider a red flag in an adult child’s SO, worthy enough to voice your concern?

Anti-social tendencies
Mental illness and disorders (Bipolar, NPD, DPD)
Parents Divorced
Financial habits - Overspending, in debt, student debt, no savings , does not contribute the maximum to meet employer match
Lack of adulting skills
Low EQ, low self-esteem, unpleasant personality
Poor physical health or medical history
Unattractive
Does not treat my adult child well.
Baggage and previous relationships
Education Level
No future plans

I'm trying to picture how you get all this information. Handing the SO a survey when you first meet them? An interrogation like in the movie Meet The Parents?

Family issues were more important when people married young and lived in same towns, now by the time people meet their spouses, they have decades worth of their own baggage.

You can’t bubble wrap your grown children to protect them from living their lives and making their own mistakes. Perfection is not the secret ingredient of a good relationship, love and patience are.

Anonymous wrote:What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

If you can name a family that is not in some way touched by drugs, debt, drama or other problems, it’s just because you don’t know about them. Are we talking only parents/siblings, or extended family? Are we also talking about health issues and mental health issues?

My family is “normal,” but far from perfect. Every one of my friends’ family has something that is a struggle. I would never in a million years lay the bad choices of a parent at the feet of their children. I have an alcoholic family member, but I am not an alcoholic. And I do not enable or engage with that family member, so his problems are not my problems or my husband’s problems.

What if SO is fine but comes from a family filled with drugs,debt, drama or other problems. Family problems are bound to engulf or at least effect SO and by association your child.

So many posts about debt, but I'd add that a stingy partner is difficult, too. I have an IL like this - never willing to eat out, tries to fix everything even when it is way over their head (do you really want someone unqualified messing around with the electricity in your child's home?), never contributes when staying with family for extended periods, treats birthdays and holidays like any other day, obsessing over a weekly budget, etc. Sure, debt is REALLY bad, but it is also sad to see your kid work hard and never feel empowered to enjoy what they've earned. A trip to Starbucks or a meal out for a birthday would be scoffed at.