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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is a really personal question and there’s a lot more to it.

I’ve basically come to the conclusion that I was emotionally neglected by my parents as a child. So not neglect in a legal sense. But more that my parents didn’t, and we’re actually unable to, provide me with the love and support that a child needs for healthy emotional development. In my case there actually was some physical abuse.

But it was about much more than coming home to an empty house. My mom was a SAHM for instance, so that rarely happened to me. Rather, my parents are both emotionally stunted from growing up in abusive, alcoholic homes. They lack their own emotional maturity so had little to know capacity to guide us. They often transposed our roles, demanding the live and affection from us that they did not get from their own parents growing up, and becoming cruel, vindictive, and sometimes violent when we didn’t provide it. Everyone in my house growing up, including me, just had this pit of emotional need in them that went unfulfilled. Yet we were all housed and clothed and fed. You would never have known what was under the surface if you weren’t part if the family.

And by the way, I don’t really have any anger towards my family about this. I do have anger about the physical abuse, which they should have (and I think on some level did) known was wrong. And some general anger at certain aspects of the situation (mainly that they had so many children when they had such limited emotional capacity— it’s clear to me that they were trying to fill an emotional need, which is just a great reason to have a bunch of kids). But not at them. They did their best. They were limited by their own backgrounds. Middle class Catholics didn’t go to therapy back then.

But figuring this out has helped me evolve as a person and be a better parent. Very much worth untangling.[/quote]

New poster - but this PP nails it for me.  Very similar and I am just starting to explore it with the help of others and the Emotionally Absent Mother book by Jasmin Lee Cori. I had food, clothing and shelter.  Having any needs beyond this were perceived as bad or indulgent so I just shut them down.  I was not hugged or told I was loved.  I was a very good and sometimes intense kid and often was told by my mother that she didn't like what I did or that the traits of my personality were bad.  If this PP has any recommendations on the untangling I am all ears.    I am very successful in my adult life by many standards but this is a huge hole I need to work on filling.  [/quote]

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