Anonymous wrote:This is a really personal question and there’s a lot more to it.

I’ve basically come to the conclusion that I was emotionally neglected by my parents as a child. So not neglect in a legal sense. But more that my parents didn’t, and we’re actually unable to, provide me with the love and support that a child needs for healthy emotional development. In my case there actually was some physical abuse.

But it was about much more than coming home to an empty house. My mom was a SAHM for instance, so that rarely happened to me. Rather, my parents are both emotionally stunted from growing up in abusive, alcoholic homes. They lack their own emotional maturity so had little to know capacity to guide us. They often transposed our roles, demanding the live and affection from us that they did not get from their own parents growing up, and becoming cruel, vindictive, and sometimes violent when we didn’t provide it. Everyone in my house growing up, including me, just had this pit of emotional need in them that went unfulfilled. Yet we were all housed and clothed and fed. You would never have known what was under the surface if you weren’t part if the family.

And by the way, I don’t really have any anger towards my family about this. I do have anger about the physical abuse, which they should have (and I think on some level did) known was wrong. And some general anger at certain aspects of the situation (mainly that they had so many children when they had such limited emotional capacity— it’s clear to me that they were trying to fill an emotional need, which is just a great reason to have a bunch of kids). But not at them. They did their best. They were limited by their own backgrounds. Middle class Catholics didn’t go to therapy back then.

But figuring this out has helped me evolve as a person and be a better parent. Very much worth untangling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am probably focusing on the bad. She kept the house organized (she had a cleaning lady). The fridge was stocked. She drove me to soccer practice/games. She also paid for my undergraduate degree and living expenses. That said, I feel like I do not have the best relationship with her. In my teenage years I felt that she didn't respect me even though I was a pretty good kid.

Difficult to tell from your OP. You were clearly not neglected from the standpoint of basic care. You may have been emotionally neglected...seems likely, but hard to tell.

I think I am a good example of someone who was pretty clearly emotionally neglected, though it's not really an official term I don't think. As an example, my sister tried to kill herself when I was 11, and I was the one who had to call 911 because my mom was hysterical and my dad had flown off to visit my grandparents overseas when it happened (because he was stressed about my sister's depression). I realized recently that in 30 years since, my parents never once asked me how I felt about what happened, if I was scared that night etc. Aside from confirming it was an intentional overdose the next day, they never once mentioned it or asked me about it. They also did things like forget they had promised to attend the one game a season they said they would. Or forget to tuck me in after they said good night to my sister and got into a fight with her, and then when I came to their room to ask they would just shout good night to me from their bed. I knew they were stressed over my depressed sister with an ED, but as a parent now I realize how messed up it was that they just sort of pretended that their other kid didn't need anything except food, clothes, and shelter.

None of this is the same as material neglect, but it is emotionally harmful. I've spent a lot of time in therapy, unsurprisingly. It's hard when your physical and material needs were met to admit that there was something fundamental you didn't get...and that it hurt you not to have it. You feel perpetually ungrateful. But if you want to have a good relationship with your spouse and kids (or really anyone), you have to learn to make yourself emotionally vulnerable. And that starts with admitting you have emotional needs.

Anonymous wrote:Brief history:

Mom and dad split up when I was 5. I saw dad every other weekend until he passed away when I was 14.

Mom was always stressed out, even though my brother and I were good kids

Mom worked 1-1.5 days a week and spent much of her time at the tennis club, golf club, swimming, or at the monthly book club. Also the Friday night "social club" when I got older

I came home to an empty house without adults most days

Mom never had the best communication skills, in fact I think she has a deficit in that domain

Not the most empathetic person

She could be very strict at times and not "fair".

At times she would say "I pay for this, I pay for that, don't take to me that way" or something to that effect. I would then refuse allowance, or chore money, but still did the chores and didn't act out.

I was not very athletic, but she never played any sports with me or practiced soccer in the backyard or tried to teach me. I think she likely would not have known how, so perhaps that is for the best.

Anonymous wrote:From what I’ve read Op doesn’t have, nor does she plan to have, her own children. I think a new perspective and understanding on raising children happens when you become a parent and you see your own parents in a different light.

Without having her own children it’s impossible for OP to truly understand what it’s like to raise children, especially as a single parent and then completely as a single parent because the ex died. Everyone thinks they’re the perfect parent and has all the parenting answers and know how, until they actually have their own children and realize all bets are off.

No, OP was not neglected but for whatever reason she feels like she was not given a proper upbringing or the love/attention she deserves (including because her mother didn’t spend time in the yard teaching her how to play sports?). I am sorry for that OP and this is an excellent reason to work these emotions out with a therapist.

I grew up with hoarder parents, we were food insecure and my parents could not handle money and were always on the brink of bankruptcy. My DH had divorced parents, my MIL would work very late until 9-10pm, then go out on dates, leaving my DH and younger SIL to fend for themselves until the early am hours, regularly, starting when my DH was 6. They had zero activities. No one took them to buy new clothes, etc. All of us were neglected. I am happy to opine OP you don’t sound like you were and had many things going for you that we would have really liked to have had.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is only mom the “bad parent”? What about the fact that mom did 80% of the parenting, and all the hard stuff at that (work week/school week)? How about dad wasn’t such a peach if he was content with only seeing his kids on the weekends.

Dad died whey she was 14. She only saw him on every other weekend which was probably the custody agreement put in place.