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[quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks for the insight— I have appreciated all the comments here as a kind of catharsis, even the negative ones. I can see this isn’t the most uncommon problem in the world, which does make me feel better.

I wasn’t really looking for advice. As I said, this dynamic has gone on for years. The loved one is not technically a family member, but I’m not talking about a group of girlfriends. This is an extremely close family friend I have known since childhood who is tied up with both my family and some very close friends in complicated ways. I simply don’t speak to them anymore and I do choose to avoid seeing them if I can. But sometimes it is not possible, like at a family wedding. Though normally that’s a big enough crowd that it’s not a big deal.

It’s coming up now because my people are planning holiday gatherings after a long break during Covid and everyone is amped. I am being choosy about what I attend for several reasons (money, and my energy) but yes of course I’d also like to minimize my interactions with this person. I think some are feeling pressed just in general and it’s coming out as “why can’t you just get over this thing” even if I have not even mentioned it because they are reading through the lines that I am declining done invites for this reason. I personally don’t feel I am dragging anyone into anything— this is something I talk to my therapist about but I don’t bring up with, say, my sister, because of course she is going to feel a way about it. But I also see how others wish this problem didn’t exist. Me too! I just can’t unilaterally decide to make it go away without a semi-lobotomy. And since my time and energy are previous, I just choose to spend it elsewhere. Some don’t like that.

I would LOVE if everyone just got along and there was no issues. But I simply do not feel it is my job to facilitate that by spending a lot of time in close quarters with someone who has shown they do not respect me. Again, no advice needed, simply venting. I don’t think I’m perfect but everyone makes their choices and I am happy with mine even if I sometimes wish others would make better choices when it comes to their specific behavior towards me. Oh well.

Gonna be a long holiday season, folks![/quote]

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