Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow you sound completely dramatic

+1000, And yes you are dragging people into it by hoping they choose sides. Go to the parties and ignore your nemesis.

Anonymous wrote:Wow you sound completely dramatic

Anonymous wrote:Wow you sound completely dramatic

Anonymous wrote:If this happened years ago and you are still talking about it in therapy, then you might be fixating and you might actually be the problem.

Anonymous wrote:If this happened years ago and you are still talking about it in therapy, then you might be fixating and you might actually be the problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re dragging other people into this, it’s a bridge too far.

OP here. What does this mean? Can you explain?

Anonymous wrote:I would say start moving certain of those people out of your life. If theyre going to not stand up for you and play the "both sides are at fault" game, then limit your time with them. You know the level of respect you deserve in a relationship, and this aint it. Focus on bringing in new, GOOD people who will truly care about you. And enjoy your new future!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re dragging other people into this, it’s a bridge too far.

OP here. What does this mean? Can you explain?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This really depends on the group. If this is a friend group or your immediate family the answers are not necessarily the same. Because the real issue is that there is a pretense that the relationship is in limbo. If Susie just apologized for calling me a see you next tuesday at college graduation we could all just MOVE ON.

But this is a false pretense. Your relationship with this person is over. You will never regain the level of friendship you had, you will never really trust them again, and as a result, the group will never be harmonious in it's totality again. You cannot undo years worth of accumulated bitterness in a relationship when you aren't like, going to therapy with them and committing yourselves to healing, which is not something anyone would do with a friend.

This isn't your fault OP, but it is true. And the drama and strife comes from everyone pretending it is not true. You need to accept that the relationship as a friendship is over. You are no longer friends. But you can choose to be civil acquaintances, where you are civil and friendly when you see one another but there is no depth to the relationship. And this is how you remove the burden of your argument from others. Something is happening where things are 'unsettled' so you need to fix it. Nothing is unsettled, you and Susie just aren't close! So you don't go to thinks that are primarily Susie events, you don't invite Susie to things that are primarily you events, and you treat Susie like a distant acquaintance at the things you are both attending.

Don't talk about it or obsess about it anymore. You don't have to forgive him/her, I would not either. You just need to either decide to excise them from your life completely, or to figure out how to coexist in a distant but nondisruptive manner.

What you shouldn't do is make friends pick sides, agonize over it ad nauseum, or make a big deal about it if you are in her presence. You just do you. I had two friends that got caught up in a similar dynamic to what you describe. In that case it was one friend not taking the other's side in another relationship schism, and there were never any really CLEAR expectations set. But it was the same, a decade of them just growing to dislike each other more and more because this 'wrong' hung over their heads and the entire friend group. In the end, the entire group fell apart because the wronged girl could not be around the other one without it turning into a THING. And like, that is fine, but that wronged girl thinks that she is the victim. And in the end, her not letting go of that personal beef, or not figuring out how to not let it bleed into the group, ended like 5/6 other friendships. She never had an obligation to forgive my other friend, but she let her hate and anger take down a lot of collateral damage. Because really, at some point, there was nothing the other person could do to 'make it right'.

If this was a family member, I would basically have the same advice except walking away entirely and cutting them out is more difficult. Sometimes, depending on the relative and the other personalities involved, it is worth it to make pretend amends, but that is very situation specific.

I don't necessarily disagree with a lot of this because I've seen something similar happen, but I don't think you get the dynamics right. For starters, the rest of the friend group is NEVER just innocent bystanders. Some individuals might be, but there are always people who make the divide worse. The most obvious problem is the gossip -- people talk, it pretty much always makes things worse. No one ever feels more forgiving when they know they are being discussed by the group. It makes them retreat to their corners and dig in because they feel defensive, like they have to plead their case now.

Like I can think of one example where a similar thing happened between two women in a group I was part of, and one just wanted an apology for some behavior. Well a third friend thought she was "helping" and explained that the reason an apology hadn't been made is that the offending party did not "believe she had anything to apologize for." Well this was like dynamite in the water because it just made the person who wanted the apology feel like she was being gaslit, and it also meant that when the offending party did finally apologize (much, much later, like almost two years after this all went down), she was super skeptical that it was a genuine apology. And people were mad at her for that because it was like "oh my god you wanted this forever and finally got it and why can't you be happy?" But of course she's not happy because when are you ever happy to have to literally beg someone for an apology, be told they don't even think you deserve one, and then finally get it like a year later. Like does that make you feel valued as a person? Of course not.

Who knows, maybe it would have gone exactly the same if the third friend hadn't stuck her nose in, but from my vantage point (I was there when this exchange happened), it honestly just blew the whole thing up more. Don't be a go between. If you have two friends having a fight like this, you have to tell them "I love you both, but you have to talk to each other and work it out -- this is between you." That's literally the only way to handle. And if they aren't mature enough to discuss it and sort it, then yeah, some friendships are going to break. But the idea that one person is taking down a whole group is not accurate. Usually it's a whole host of dumb behavior by multiple people, plus a layer of gossip, that takes it out. It's a group effort.

Anonymous wrote:OP, we literally cannot control other people. This person is not going to apologize and no one in the bigger group is going to make them or change their own behavior toward them. These are facts.

What helped me was choosing not to give them any more time or energy or space in my head. That is what people mean by let it go. You have magnified what happened over years and it will continue until you choose to change your thinking pattern and energy around it.

When people behave badly towards me I try to practice gratitude that they have shown me their true colors. Then I keep them at a distance and am minimally civil if they need to be in my life or I cut them off.

I do not know your spiritual practice but I literally thank God for the people he has removed from my life. It created space for others, some of whom (not all!) were kinder and more worth my time and emotional investment.

You are choosing to make this person and their behavior one of the most important features of your life, for a decade now. You can make a different choice. Have a plan, when your thoughts go to him/her, think of something else, say 5 things you are grateful for. Literally train yourself to give him/her no thought.

Anonymous wrote:This really depends on the group. If this is a friend group or your immediate family the answers are not necessarily the same. Because the real issue is that there is a pretense that the relationship is in limbo. If Susie just apologized for calling me a see you next tuesday at college graduation we could all just MOVE ON.

But this is a false pretense. Your relationship with this person is over. You will never regain the level of friendship you had, you will never really trust them again, and as a result, the group will never be harmonious in it's totality again. You cannot undo years worth of accumulated bitterness in a relationship when you aren't like, going to therapy with them and committing yourselves to healing, which is not something anyone would do with a friend.

This isn't your fault OP, but it is true. And the drama and strife comes from everyone pretending it is not true. You need to accept that the relationship as a friendship is over. You are no longer friends. But you can choose to be civil acquaintances, where you are civil and friendly when you see one another but there is no depth to the relationship. And this is how you remove the burden of your argument from others. Something is happening where things are 'unsettled' so you need to fix it. Nothing is unsettled, you and Susie just aren't close! So you don't go to thinks that are primarily Susie events, you don't invite Susie to things that are primarily you events, and you treat Susie like a distant acquaintance at the things you are both attending.

Don't talk about it or obsess about it anymore. You don't have to forgive him/her, I would not either. You just need to either decide to excise them from your life completely, or to figure out how to coexist in a distant but nondisruptive manner.

What you shouldn't do is make friends pick sides, agonize over it ad nauseum, or make a big deal about it if you are in her presence. You just do you. I had two friends that got caught up in a similar dynamic to what you describe. In that case it was one friend not taking the other's side in another relationship schism, and there were never any really CLEAR expectations set. But it was the same, a decade of them just growing to dislike each other more and more because this 'wrong' hung over their heads and the entire friend group. In the end, the entire group fell apart because the wronged girl could not be around the other one without it turning into a THING. And like, that is fine, but that wronged girl thinks that she is the victim. And in the end, her not letting go of that personal beef, or not figuring out how to not let it bleed into the group, ended like 5/6 other friendships. She never had an obligation to forgive my other friend, but she let her hate and anger take down a lot of collateral damage. Because really, at some point, there was nothing the other person could do to 'make it right'.

If this was a family member, I would basically have the same advice except walking away entirely and cutting them out is more difficult. Sometimes, depending on the relative and the other personalities involved, it is worth it to make pretend amends, but that is very situation specific.