Reply to "Walkaway Wife"

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Reply to ""Walkaway Wife""

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I just discovered this term and found this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome#:~:text=During%20the%20early%20years%20of,is%20right%20in%20the%20world. and I was shocked at the accuracy. I've been spending years in my marriage asking my spouse for more help, more time together, more engagement in the family as a unit, and asked to go to therapy multiple times over the years. Things finally came to a head right before covid when I basically pleaded with him for more support and he said he is "too ambitious" and could never give me the additional support I need. I felt the marriage was over, completely disconnected from him outside of simple logistical matters, and grieved the end of my marriage and wondered what I would do. 
 [/quote]

I disagree with the above article.

I would think you told him many times and in many ways what you needed, and he declined to care or notice or adapt. He may have even escalated things for the worse.

Maybe now he is semi-retired or in a less intense job or sports or friends situation, and convenient for him will finally take the time to listen to you or spend time.  It's convenient for him.

I don't know.  Can you continue on as is? Loveless but OK companions? Travel buddies, stay together for the adult kids? Or is it too insulting for you to do so. I feel you will have parallel lives whether you stay together or not.

Is there anything he has said or can do to make it up for you for the last 10-20 years? Does he do what he says he's going to do? [/quote]
Yes this checks out — he has a bit more flexible hours than previously and also finally sees how great his kids are and how he wants to do more with them. So yes it has definitely been on his terms/schedule. To be fair he says he wouldn’t have been in a position to invest in and succeed at therapy if we went a few years ago. I understand that but it’s still frustrating that we are doing a lot of this on his terms.

I felt responsible for being the caretaker of the marriage for so long and now I feel responsible if we divorce because it’s “up to me.” Feels like lose-lose sometimes.

To your questions, sometimes I have flickers and thoughts and love that tell me I COULD do those things and live a life with him in this new relationship, even if it means I never fully love him as deeply as I did. But then I think it’s so painful, sometimes even physically painful, to feel like living that life with the deep love. And that I deserve a partner who sees me as an equal, respects my feelings/needs, and whom I love deeply and fully. Those flickers are what are keeping me in right now, hoping that they turn into something larger. [/quote]

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