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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Anyone questioning why this has to do with ADHD has never experienced a spouse or child with ADHD.

I'm an NT wife to an ADHD husband. Things that I can do simply are things he just can't do. I'm not knocking ADHD, but just that they have a lot of trouble with managing a couple tasks at a time that others would be able to do. [/quote]

10.18 again.

I'm a nanny specializing in adhd, odd and ocd.  While I understand his perspective and struggles, he can learn, he just has to choose to do so.  It may take a lot of help from you.[/quote]

No (and yes re: the help piece). I have ADHD and there are many things we can't simply "learn" no matter how much we "want" to or "choose to do so." It's tremendously demoralizing!

What we CAN do...

-sometimes

-with a lot of effort

-and with just okay, but perhaps acceptable, results

...is to use tools and the support of other humans to get better at some things.

Not just "learn to do it" via practice or whatever. Or worse "sucking it up!" Most of us try to just brute force these things because we self-flagellate. "I'm a smart person! This shouldn't be that hard!"

But it doesn't work, or not consistently or for long.

For me, I turn into the grumpy mess others and the OP describe. It's sensory and attentional overload. Everything feels like a priority, so nothing is.

Folks w/ADHD seem like they'd be great at multitasking, and often think they are. But we're good at a specific kind of multi-tasking which is really just allowing or forcing our brains to focus by doing something active and which uses a different part of the brain. Writing or taking a meeting while on a treadmill. Discussing charged or complicated issues while putting laundry away. Typically we do something physically active and/or "mindless" while doing something that requires mindful concentration. This can work.

But even discussing a big planned expense with my husband while doing dishes is not the same as trying to keep track of multiple kids while doing dishes. (And dishes IMO are much more mindless than some other chores, like "picking things up and putting them away" which is a huge challenge to executive function for folks w/ADHD, even without any other distractions!)

Even if you aren't "engaging" little kids, and even if you set them up with some activity (and that takes executive function and planning!), small kids need to be monitored at least somewhat, they get into things, they fight at times, they say, "Mama, look!!" every two seconds. As many NT people said, this is hard for a lot of people. But for a person with ADHD, their brains CANNOT ignore that "Mama, look!!" and get irritable and frustrated. It feels urgent every single time, because a hallmark of ADHD is that we are great at taking in all kinds of information-- facts, sensory info, whatever-- but terrible at prioritizing it. It also takes executive function to figure out how to get kids to "help" in some way. It can be done, and I've done it with a lot of mental prep and buy-in that it's better for the kids in the long-term. But it's yet another thing it's hard to wrap an ADHD brain around.

I suspect the posters asking what any of this has to do with ADHD know very little about ADHD.

Anyway.

What would work best for me would be to not have to do both things at once. Period.

Second to that, to do the things that are the most rote and require the least conscious thought or proprioception skills (my biggest sensory issues). Making breakfast is a bit rough. The simpler it is, the better. Cereal, oatmeal, something prepped I can stick in the microwave. Breakfast foods placed in the same area of the kitchen every time, the same part of the fridge-- maybe even a short checklist-- "first pour three glasses of milk, then get fruit from the specific drawer, then get prepped oatmeal from the fridge and heat it up for exactly X seconds..." I have an IQ of 151, by the way.

Some things, like folding laundry-- I can do this, but I have developed a system over many years, so it IS mindless. But for others, it's not, because they don't know what's "hangy or foldy" as my husband says. Or they don't know which things belong to which kids (DH may need a primer). ADHDers, and especially men who haven't been conditioned, often can't tell, like... navy blue from black.

It's just not simple.

But those are the kinds of things that can help. Not just "practice." But actual tools and support.

Now, there's a whole 'nother issue in here about sexism and social conditioning. I am better-equipped to do some of these things than most men with ADHD because I've been more forced to learn them by exposure and societal expectations. Generally speaking, I firmly believe men shouldn't get a pass on ~*domestic duties*~ just because they traditionally have, or because "I really prefer grocery shopping anyway" or whatever. But people with ADHD really do have specific challenges and do need specific support for them.  [/quote]

I'm a DH with ADHD and the only problem I have with some of this is that it is kinda limiting. Like you said with Laundry, I have to develop "systems" to keep myself on track so I can watch the kids while cooking or washing dishes or sweeping the floor. Its been a trial and error thing and I've made my share of mistakes and been distracted a lot, but I have something now that I think works for me, at least at this phase of their lives.

One thing you said is that we CANNOT ignore the "mama look" comments. One thing is that I don't necessarily want to ignore those comments because it could be something drastic. Just like I have to remember to look up from doing the dishes to make sure that the kids don't hurt themselves when they're running across the living room and jumping off couches.

Part of my system is keeping my body active so I'm not just doing dishes. It may be just some mini jumping jacks, or maybe I'll wash a few dishes and do a lap around the kitchen. But the challenges from ADHD come when I'm busy thinking about say this comment,  or something that had my interest at work or a puzzle I was doing earlier or a thousand other things that are more interesting than the dishes. Doing the laps helps me to not think about this stuff, so I think it has helped me to do better around the house.

Now, I'm not asking you to get a report from my wife on this because I'm sure I'm not perfect on chores yet, but I think I am getting better since DW and I had a conversation about my being distracted. So I think it can be improved. I'm not saying that my method works for everybody or even anybody other than me, but seeing that I'm getting better and reading your comment starts to put doubt into my mind - maybe I'm not understanding the situation, maybe I'm not doing well, maybe ADHD wasn't what was distracting me, maybe I can't get better. I don't know. But just thought I'd share. [/quote]

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