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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.[/quote]

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse.  You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own
[/quote]

First of all, it’s none of that. The question was, how to deal. The answer is, stop taking these comments as instructions on how OP should feel about her parent and re-frame them as that person’s own experience that has nothing to do with her and is not a demand on her at all. [/quote]

Actually it's exactly what it is. You are in the wrong. Accept it , and learn from it instead of digging in.[/quote]

No, you are wrong. It is not “gaslighting” or participating in a cycle of abuse for someone to have their own relationship with the narcissist that serves that person and their innocent comments are NOT an attack on the victim. It’s their own expression of their own relationship. And that is how to deal. Accept that the commenter has their own relationship and is not attacking you. [/quote]

You are wrong. Period. Full stop. You comment was out od order. That you continue digging in is even worse. I pity your friends with narcissistic parents.[/quote]

Lady you need a lot more therapy. [/quote]

OK, pp would you make this remarks to a person who said their parents beat them as a child? What about a wife and her abusive ex?   would you say that's your experience with them and mine has just been great they were a good friend, and really ou need to seperate the experiences. No because you would be an asshole. It's the same thing here. [/quote]

NP- yes, as the child of a father who routinely beat me with a belt as a child and kicked me out because he ‘got sick of my face’ when I was a teen, multiple times, people like PP do say this sort of thing to me. To the few family with whom I have shared a bit of what I endured in my youth, I have been met with incredulity and even the occasional, “well, you turned out all right, so he couldn’t have been that bad!”

I think of it as human nature to be uncomfortable with the cognitive dissonance of their positive experiences met with information that causes them to question their fixed beliefs. That dissonance results in unintentional gaslighting. Very different from the intentional type.

I do not discuss my relationships with my abusive parents much at all. I have only brought it up with close relatives when I was genuinely afraid for my own or someone’s physical safety. It helps me accept the limits of what I can do to protect myself in the situation and I feel safer knowing that I least my side of the story was known even if the person didn’t want to believe it. Letting go of expectations of others and accepting only the support that they are able and willing to provide is key.

I would not waste my time with a casual church friend or family friend. These relationships are not close enough for the friend to be supportive. I just smile, nod, and move on. I do NOT lie for them, but I have no problem simply ending the conversation if I feel uncomfortable.[/quote]

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