Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse. You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own

First of all, it’s none of that. The question was, how to deal. The answer is, stop taking these comments as instructions on how OP should feel about her parent and re-frame them as that person’s own experience that has nothing to do with her and is not a demand on her at all.

NP here - you sound like a bad friend. This is bad advice and now you are going all in. You should reflect on why you think it's all about you and your relationship with your friend's narcissistic mother. That speaks volumes about you.

Anonymous wrote:Learn to let it go and work on your own inner child wounding and how to self-validate from an internal versus an external focus.

Part of the reason this is so triggering to hear how others perceive the narcissistic parent is because it reminds the inner child of the times it was wronged. As you work on self it will actually trigger you less and less. To the point where there is actually acceptance and understanding of a perspective that sees your parents as great. This is the true experience of others and it doesn’t negate your experience, it is just different. Different people can have different experiences of an individual. Your experience is valid and you don’t need other agreement or validity to have it. Also, you do not need other seemingly contradictory experiences to be invalid for yours to be valid.

I hope this makes sense. I understand where you are coming from. I am doing and have done much of the same work myself. You want to be free to really move on. The power lies within you, not with others.

Thank you. This actually REALLY helps me deal with a former friend who betrayed me in a very hurtful way and blamed me for it. I have come to realize she does have some sort of personality disorder/sociopathy but she's also a community leader. I have had a very hard time reconciling what I and a few others know of her vs. her public/surface image. I know the ability to move on and not let her affect me lies WITHIN me, so this perspective helps.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because many of you who think your parent is narcissistic are wrong. It appears to be the meme of a whole generation. Oddly, all this discussion of toxicity, boundaries, personality disorder dx of others- is actually quite narcissistic.

No, you are wrong. Narcissists and sociopaths are not rare, not by a long shot. And they are incredibly damaging and toxic human beings in society.

I suspect the trouble is terminology. Not everyone is a narcissist or sociopathic. There's been so much written about the millennial generation and their perceptions, and many of these are cultural and fueled by more encouragement on social media, and ...well forums like this. Here we are commenting on a post with zero information and everyone just assumes OP and everyone else really does have a toxic parent. Where's the whole story? There is no context but everyone jumps on the certainty of toxicity, and only from the parent. Why?
Just like so many diagnoses, few have actually witnessed true narcissistic behavior, OCD behavior, attention deficit behavior, bi-polar behavior, but we jump to these labels and fuel them and just allow them to take hold. Have there been abusive parents? Yes, of course, but no, not every parent is toxic just because their kids say that.
https://www.economist.com/united-states/2021/05/22/how-many-american-children-have-cut-contact-with-their-parents?utm_campaign=editorial-social&utm_content=weekend-reads&utm_source=pocket-app&utm_medium=share

The issue is that people assume narcissism, sociopathy, and other personality disorders are rare. They are most definitely not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Learn to let it go and work on your own inner child wounding and how to self-validate from an internal versus an external focus.

Part of the reason this is so triggering to hear how others perceive the narcissistic parent is because it reminds the inner child of the times it was wronged. As you work on self it will actually trigger you less and less. To the point where there is actually acceptance and understanding of a perspective that sees your parents as great. This is the true experience of others and it doesn’t negate your experience, it is just different. Different people can have different experiences of an individual. Your experience is valid and you don’t need other agreement or validity to have it. Also, you do not need other seemingly contradictory experiences to be invalid for yours to be valid.

I hope this makes sense. I understand where you are coming from. I am doing and have done much of the same work myself. You want to be free to really move on. The power lies within you, not with others.

YES! So well said. This 1000%!

+1

Exactly this.

I have had to learn to accept this too for a while. It's especially damaging when the elderly parent does Golden Child scapegoat and the golden is a narcissist who invalidates you at every turn. With therapy I have detached from the Golden child which has started a ton of dramatics as she tries to force mommy to make me engage and play the games. It's funny when you step back and see it. Now with age my mother is really losing her filter so those around her who worshiped her are started to have some WTF experiences. The worst is when she lashes out at me, I take a break and she then needs a new verbal punching bag. That is when people who had no clue are truly shocked.


I no longer care that nobody knows how evil she is but my husband, my kids (who have witnessed it), my close friends and my therapist. Those experiencing it for the first time now assume it's just dementia and a total personality change when it really just a worsening of traits I have always seen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because many of you who think your parent is narcissistic are wrong. It appears to be the meme of a whole generation. Oddly, all this discussion of toxicity, boundaries, personality disorder dx of others- is actually quite narcissistic.

No, you are wrong. Narcissists and sociopaths are not rare, not by a long shot. And they are incredibly damaging and toxic human beings in society.

I suspect the trouble is terminology. Not everyone is a narcissist or sociopathic. There's been so much written about the millennial generation and their perceptions, and many of these are cultural and fueled by more encouragement on social media, and ...well forums like this. Here we are commenting on a post with zero information and everyone just assumes OP and everyone else really does have a toxic parent. Where's the whole story? There is no context but everyone jumps on the certainty of toxicity, and only from the parent. Why?
Just like so many diagnoses, few have actually witnessed true narcissistic behavior, OCD behavior, attention deficit behavior, bi-polar behavior, but we jump to these labels and fuel them and just allow them to take hold. Have there been abusive parents? Yes, of course, but no, not every parent is toxic just because their kids say that.
https://www.economist.com/united-states/2021/05/22/how-many-american-children-have-cut-contact-with-their-parents?utm_campaign=editorial-social&utm_content=weekend-reads&utm_source=pocket-app&utm_medium=share

Anonymous wrote:Because many of you who think your parent is narcissistic are wrong. It appears to be the meme of a whole generation. Oddly, all this discussion of toxicity, boundaries, personality disorder dx of others- is actually quite narcissistic.

No, you are wrong. Narcissists and sociopaths are not rare, not by a long shot. And they are incredibly damaging and toxic human beings in society.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Learn to let it go and work on your own inner child wounding and how to self-validate from an internal versus an external focus.

Part of the reason this is so triggering to hear how others perceive the narcissistic parent is because it reminds the inner child of the times it was wronged. As you work on self it will actually trigger you less and less. To the point where there is actually acceptance and understanding of a perspective that sees your parents as great. This is the true experience of others and it doesn’t negate your experience, it is just different. Different people can have different experiences of an individual. Your experience is valid and you don’t need other agreement or validity to have it. Also, you do not need other seemingly contradictory experiences to be invalid for yours to be valid.

I hope this makes sense. I understand where you are coming from. I am doing and have done much of the same work myself. You want to be free to really move on. The power lies within you, not with others.

YES! So well said. This 1000%!

+1

Exactly this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just have to come to terms with the fact that reality and perception are different with a narcissist. I’m getting there at almost 40. Also, I’m less inclined to cover for my mom. I used to let the misconceptions ride because who wants to bad mouth their mom. But also as I’ve gotten older, I’m more inclined to tell the truth when someone says “oh your mom is so nice, I wish I had your mom” or “your mom seems like such a great grandma” when the reality is one Mother’s Day, she complained about my gift and refused to wish me happy Mother’s Day ... or that she hasn’t asked to spend any one on one time with DD in years.

It’s hard OP.

OP here. This is the part I struggle with the most. To the world and her church friends this is how she appears, but within the family, it's an entirely different story. I really just want to blow her cover.

People will figure it out if they get close to her. Some people may have already figured it out.

+1

MIL is like this, OP. Bragging rights are big when you get old, apparently - at least for narcissists. Be honest with people you are close to. As for anyone that might be (semi) "close" to your mom - they already know. I guarantee it.

Because many of you who think your parent is narcissistic are wrong. It appears to be the meme of a whole generation. Oddly, all this discussion of toxicity, boundaries, personality disorder dx of others- is actually quite narcissistic.

Anonymous wrote:Learn to let it go and work on your own inner child wounding and how to self-validate from an internal versus an external focus.

Part of the reason this is so triggering to hear how others perceive the narcissistic parent is because it reminds the inner child of the times it was wronged. As you work on self it will actually trigger you less and less. To the point where there is actually acceptance and understanding of a perspective that sees your parents as great. This is the true experience of others and it doesn’t negate your experience, it is just different. Different people can have different experiences of an individual. Your experience is valid and you don’t need other agreement or validity to have it. Also, you do not need other seemingly contradictory experiences to be invalid for yours to be valid.

I hope this makes sense. I understand where you are coming from. I am doing and have done much of the same work myself. You want to be free to really move on. The power lies within you, not with others.

YES! So well said. This 1000%!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone experiences this - "I love your mom!" etc. whereas you know real person behind closed doors. It's nothing special. The fact that you think your experience is special, and that you are posting here like it's a competition of you vs. mom, when will you win and she be found out, indicates you too may have narcissistic traits.

My narcissist father is dying. I am dreading the funeral where people will gush about how he is a pillar of the community. Any suggestions on how to deal with all those people that he charmed?

I am glad you brought this up because it feels so taboo and you made me feel less alone. I have been there for my narcissist mom helping with dad and now being there with her with many boundaries and other professionals involved so I can try to keep the abuse at bay. I have thought a lot about things like eulogies and people giving her praise to me. For the eulogy I will not do one, but will simply ask that the religious person give a generic one about a great person since she would want to be praised. At the same time I will not be personalizing things by sharing grand stories, thought she is already trying to re-write history to remind me what a saint she was to the point it is hilarious. My mother and her siblings actually put in some negative hints with their own mother. The person leading said "she had trouble showing love in typical ways" and "some of her relationships were complicated" and many other digs. I have a narc Golden child sibling who would flip out if any of that were there.

When people tell me how fabulous she is I will either say "I am glad that you had that experience" or I will smile and change the subject. I will not deny my reality, but I am not going to badmouth her either. I will save that part for my therapist.

My FIL is one of the most narcissistic parent, even grandparent, I’ve ever known. His abusing behavior affected my MIL (she passed away 2y ago) and my husband to this day. Outsiders see this old narcissist as the great properties owner and friend for gossiping.
As a DIL, I tried to stay strong to not let his venom enter my life. Some years ago, I told him to back off (for not saying the f) in my DH and kids presence.

Anonymous wrote:Everyone experiences this - "I love your mom!" etc. whereas you know real person behind closed doors. It's nothing special. The fact that you think your experience is special, and that you are posting here like it's a competition of you vs. mom, when will you win and she be found out, indicates you too may have narcissistic traits.

My narcissist father is dying. I am dreading the funeral where people will gush about how he is a pillar of the community. Any suggestions on how to deal with all those people that he charmed?

Sometimes they find out for themselves. My mother had a friend close in age to me who was the wife of someone who worked under my father. This woman worshiped my mother and my mother seemed to have a girl crush on her. I heard endless stories about how beautiful, charming and perfect this woman was with the occasional "Why can't you be like her?" Well years later there was an issue at work where the woman's husband was accused of something that turned out not to be true. My mother dropped her like a hot potato and never apologized when things were cleared. Narcissist discard is brutal. For as enamored as my mom was, she never has mentioned the woman since.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been in the friend in this situation.

Please remember—that person has their own relationship with your mom! Saying “I wish she were my mom” can just be a clumsy way of saying “I so value the relationship I have with her, which has been meaningful and wonderful for me.”

As I’m sure you know, narcissists can be wonderful friends on a superficial level. And sometimes that’s really wonderful to have around, and could even help you through hard times.

Try not to frame it as putting something on you (“you should feel grateful”) but instead that person expressing their own experience which has very little to do with yours.

I'm sure you mean to be helpful pp, but comments like yours are not helpful. and downright gaslighting to someone dealing with narcissistic abuse. You are in fact participating in the narcissist cycle of abuse by telling OP to remember that narcissists can be good and helpful and really your problem with her mother are your own

First of all, it’s none of that. The question was, how to deal. The answer is, stop taking these comments as instructions on how OP should feel about her parent and re-frame them as that person’s own experience that has nothing to do with her and is not a demand on her at all.

Actually it's exactly what it is. You are in the wrong. Accept it , and learn from it instead of digging in.

No, you are wrong. It is not “gaslighting” or participating in a cycle of abuse for someone to have their own relationship with the narcissist that serves that person and their innocent comments are NOT an attack on the victim. It’s their own expression of their own relationship. And that is how to deal. Accept that the commenter has their own relationship and is not attacking you.

You are wrong. Period. Full stop. You comment was out od order. That you continue digging in is even worse. I pity your friends with narcissistic parents.

Lady you need a lot more therapy.

OK, pp would you make this remarks to a person who said their parents beat them as a child? What about a wife and her abusive ex? would you say that's your experience with them and mine has just been great they were a good friend, and really ou need to seperate the experiences. No because you would be an asshole. It's the same thing here.

NP- yes, as the child of a father who routinely beat me with a belt as a child and kicked me out because he ‘got sick of my face’ when I was a teen, multiple times, people like PP do say this sort of thing to me. To the few family with whom I have shared a bit of what I endured in my youth, I have been met with incredulity and even the occasional, “well, you turned out all right, so he couldn’t have been that bad!”

I think of it as human nature to be uncomfortable with the cognitive dissonance of their positive experiences met with information that causes them to question their fixed beliefs. That dissonance results in unintentional gaslighting. Very different from the intentional type.

I do not discuss my relationships with my abusive parents much at all. I have only brought it up with close relatives when I was genuinely afraid for my own or someone’s physical safety. It helps me accept the limits of what I can do to protect myself in the situation and I feel safer knowing that I least my side of the story was known even if the person didn’t want to believe it. Letting go of expectations of others and accepting only the support that they are able and willing to provide is key.

I would not waste my time with a casual church friend or family friend. These relationships are not close enough for the friend to be supportive. I just smile, nod, and move on. I do NOT lie for them, but I have no problem simply ending the conversation if I feel uncomfortable.