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[quote=Anonymous]I get it OP. It’s one of those behaviors that are so abnormal, just downright absurd, it seems like you must be imagining it. Add in the plausible deniability, and it’s usually not worth confronting someone about it. Then it keeps happening, and it becomes your normal, and when you try to get help people don’t believe you because again, it’s absurd.

My spouse isn’t like that exactly, but my mom is. It’s like she couldn’t maintain a relationship with one person for an extended period of time, so she would have to create drama and take breaks, and she also wasn’t capable of having good relationships with multiple people (especially women) at the same time, so she’d create drama to split groups up and switch who she was BFFs with every few months.

It was hard for me and my sister growing up with her, because she modeled bad relationships and we learned a lot of bad habits. We weren’t total mean girls, but close enough. My mom also tried to put my sister and me against each other, because if we we’re in a disagreement, we’d both try to get mom to side with us, and it would turn into a competition for her favor. The added bonus for her was that she got to play the martyr role because her children were so challenging, despite her being the best mother ever, so more drama with her at the center.

When I had kids, she started doing some things that sound sort of like your husband. She might suggest I get them some difficult to obtain gift and I’d do all the leg work while she got all the credit. Or I’d invite her to some outing and I all the planning, and  she’d take all the credit. She couldn’t handle that Santa and the Easter bunny got attention, so she’d always have Santa and EB gifts at her house too and say they made a special visit, then she’d say it was all her because she couldn’t handle giving credit to anyone else. Her shenanigans led to my oldest figuring out the truth about Santa. She also had to give the biggest, best present. And she had to go first. I think she gave my kids iPads for Christmas when they were 4&6, after we asked her not to. We started opening presents and about 2 gifts in, she said she couldn’t wait anymore and they needed to open those next. After they opened those, nothing else held their interest.

If I ever called her out on something, she’d gaslight and say she never intended to make it seem she was the only one deserving of credit and then spend the rest of the event sarcastically drawing attention to everything I’d do (for example, thank your mom for tying your shoe, she worked really hard to make sure your shoes are tied). And if I’d tell her not to do something because it was over the top, she’d either do it anyway, or tell the kids I wouldn’t let her do whatever it was (for example, I said she could not buy them a puppy, so when they’d play with her dog and say they wished they had a dog too, she’d say “I was going to get you one but your mom won’t allow it. She told me I couldn’t come visit you anymore if I bought you a dog.” Then they started being afraid that grandma wouldn’t be allowed to visit anymore. So manipulative.)

Eventually the kids saw through it. No real advice, but I feel you. It’s hard to explain it to someone who hasn’t lived it, because any one incident isn’t so bad. It’s the pattern. I never figured out a way to handle it that was effective other than going no contact. Otherwise I’d set a boundary, she’d abide by it until I got comfortable and felt safe, then she’d be overcome by temptation and cross the boundary every time. [/quote]

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