I get it OP. It’s one of those behaviors that are so abnormal, just downright absurd, it seems like you must be imagining it. Add in the plausible deniability, and it’s usually not worth confronting someone about it. Then it keeps happening, and it becomes your normal, and when you try to get help people don’t believe you because again, it’s absurd.

My spouse isn’t like that exactly, but my mom is. It’s like she couldn’t maintain a relationship with one person for an extended period of time, so she would have to create drama and take breaks, and she also wasn’t capable of having good relationships with multiple people (especially women) at the same time, so she’d create drama to split groups up and switch who she was BFFs with every few months.

It was hard for me and my sister growing up with her, because she modeled bad relationships and we learned a lot of bad habits. We weren’t total mean girls, but close enough. My mom also tried to put my sister and me against each other, because if we we’re in a disagreement, we’d both try to get mom to side with us, and it would turn into a competition for her favor. The added bonus for her was that she got to play the martyr role because her children were so challenging, despite her being the best mother ever, so more drama with her at the center.

When I had kids, she started doing some things that sound sort of like your husband. She might suggest I get them some difficult to obtain gift and I’d do all the leg work while she got all the credit. Or I’d invite her to some outing and I all the planning, and she’d take all the credit. She couldn’t handle that Santa and the Easter bunny got attention, so she’d always have Santa and EB gifts at her house too and say they made a special visit, then she’d say it was all her because she couldn’t handle giving credit to anyone else. Her shenanigans led to my oldest figuring out the truth about Santa. She also had to give the biggest, best present. And she had to go first. I think she gave my kids iPads for Christmas when they were 4&6, after we asked her not to. We started opening presents and about 2 gifts in, she said she couldn’t wait anymore and they needed to open those next. After they opened those, nothing else held their interest.

If I ever called her out on something, she’d gaslight and say she never intended to make it seem she was the only one deserving of credit and then spend the rest of the event sarcastically drawing attention to everything I’d do (for example, thank your mom for tying your shoe, she worked really hard to make sure your shoes are tied). And if I’d tell her not to do something because it was over the top, she’d either do it anyway, or tell the kids I wouldn’t let her do whatever it was (for example, I said she could not buy them a puppy, so when they’d play with her dog and say they wished they had a dog too, she’d say “I was going to get you one but your mom won’t allow it. She told me I couldn’t come visit you anymore if I bought you a dog.” Then they started being afraid that grandma wouldn’t be allowed to visit anymore. So manipulative.)

Eventually the kids saw through it. No real advice, but I feel you. It’s hard to explain it to someone who hasn’t lived it, because any one incident isn’t so bad. It’s the pattern. I never figured out a way to handle it that was effective other than going no contact. Otherwise I’d set a boundary, she’d abide by it until I got comfortable and felt safe, then she’d be overcome by temptation and cross the boundary every time.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not totally clear on the dynamic. Maybe it’s subtle and hard to describe? Or maybe I’m just not getting it.

Why is DH taking credit for things causing all of this tension with your child? I don’t understand how that pushes you out; is he trash-talking you to your child?

This is not OP, but here's the vibe I am getting based on my own experiences: I once planned a very cool work event. I even gave it a nickname based on the guest of honor - it was a funny nickname, everyone loved it, and referred to the event by that name from then on. But there was one guy I worked with that started taking credit for it. It was weird and subtle. It also annoyed the crap out of me. But how freaking dumb and un-fun would I look by saying, "You know, Larlo didn't come up with the nickname, I DID."

Now imagine that happening at every kids' birthday, holiday, etc. and when you tell your spouse in private that your feelings were hurt because you were actually the one that arranged the cake, balloons, venue, and everything else your spouse doesn't apologize but denies and deflects.

OP, I'd move towards divorce. This lifestyle sounds like an exhausting beatdown. I could not do it. My own husband likes to "hold court," which is annoying enough, but I can grin and bear it because other people like it. If he tried to downplay they fact that I do and plan EVERYTHING for the family or tried to take credit I would be gone, baby gone.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To add, DH finds it really important to "claim credit" and pushes me to the background. ex: I do the "easter bunny" stuff and DH takes credit - but DH does this with everything. Exhausting. It's like he wants to pretend I am not even here/in the picture, and is craving all this weird attention or something? Or jealous? Is that possible?

What is his reaction when you bring this up to him?

Best life

Just keep living your beat life for you and your children.

Do the tradition! Do the holidays! Do the vacations! Do the parties! Do the arts, crafts, sports, shows!

You’re normal, do your normal to raise the kids.

Don’t let H and his family tell you that holidays, caring, and planning fun stuff and doing it is “crazy.” They’re they crazy ones, and probably clinically so!

I married into a family like this. They do nothing. Nothing! They sit at home and read the internet. One never worked, the other got fired at age 50 but lived off public stock compensation. They don’t understand why anyone would go out the dinner, go to a beach, play organized sports, buy clothes not make them, or talk at dinner. They’re on the spectrum, that’s their normal: doing nothing.

I stopped giving a damn about what they thought - since it was usually nothing - years ago.

I think he and has family have some mental disorders.

Whether it was the underlying source of his dismal childhood or the outcome of it, they are ill.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope. Stop doing any of this. If he wants a special meal, or to celebrate a holiday in a certain way, say "great! I look forward to seeing what you come up with". He cannot make you lift a finger. Once he sees how much work this is, perhaps he'll back off a bit.

Kid will suffer

He will love that everyone sunk to his low denominator: everybody does nothing.

You are both absolutely right, sadly! It's ALL about him (MIL is the same way).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me a little bit of some folks I know who are "toppers," in that they always have done everything better or more interesting than everyone else in the group. Those people are super exhausting, but always shut up once you call them out on it.

Not sure how the dynamic is playing out with your kid and driving a wedge, though. We are a family of 3 and so we are super careful about trying not to form bonds with 1 parent and kid against the other parent. This tends to happen with my son and I unintentionally because we are very similar, personality-wise, and my husband can easily feel left out if I'm not careful.

Oh, like that Kristen Wiig character on SNL? I can picture that!

OP, my husband often tries to bring the conversation back to himself and his “contributions.” We’ve been together for decades, so I know it stems from his massive insecurities and (sometimes desperate) need for external validation, which manifests itself in him basically needing EVERYONE to like him, all the time. Me, I don’t have that issue (was raised with caring parents and loving extended family).

I have no advice. Just sympathy.

Sadly I agree. My H is the same way. He finally admitted he’s jealous at me and our children relationship, feeling left out. But it’s his own doing. He’s mean spirited and tries to manipulate into doing what he wants them to do but not taking into consideration what they like to do- and they picked up on it. Hold him at arms length.

+1

OP here - yes! You get it! Thank you! DH intentionally makes me feel like I am losing it (which is different than PPs saying "you're crazy, OP!" - which I fully expected).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope. Stop doing any of this. If he wants a special meal, or to celebrate a holiday in a certain way, say "great! I look forward to seeing what you come up with". He cannot make you lift a finger. Once he sees how much work this is, perhaps he'll back off a bit.

Kid will suffer

He will love that everyone sunk to his low denominator: everybody does nothing.

OP, your kids will not "suffer" if the Easter Bunny is a no-show, I promise.

Continue to do things that are meaningful to you. SPEAK UP for yourself and correct your husband if he takes credit. "Actually, Mommy did X, but we are enjoying it together as a family!"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope. Stop doing any of this. If he wants a special meal, or to celebrate a holiday in a certain way, say "great! I look forward to seeing what you come up with". He cannot make you lift a finger. Once he sees how much work this is, perhaps he'll back off a bit.

Kid will suffer

He will love that everyone sunk to his low denominator: everybody does nothing.

Have you ever actually tried this or are you assuming he won't step up?

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope. Stop doing any of this. If he wants a special meal, or to celebrate a holiday in a certain way, say "great! I look forward to seeing what you come up with". He cannot make you lift a finger. Once he sees how much work this is, perhaps he'll back off a bit.

Kid will suffer

He will love that everyone sunk to his low denominator: everybody does nothing.

Anonymous wrote:I mean... can you just refuse to let him take credit?

My spouse has aspergers and rarely knows what’s even going on but they love to take credit with the kids, grandparents.

After trying to get him involved- he wouldn’t, or show him what to do-he wouldn’t do it close to correctly, I now just let him regurgitate what I already said or did or “take credit.” Once the kids were in first grade they saw through it and often laugh. One set of grandparents laughs as well and shakes their head - and knows it’s better than his anger explosions or fixing the mistake or setting the facts straight. And his own parents, who do the same BS and exaggerations yet can’t follow a conversation believe everything he says hook, line and sinker and think he’s a God. However sometimes his mom says amazed comments on how he never used to be able to do all these things or be so busy or organized. Ha! What a jokester!

Net net- can you make some internal laughs out of this instead of going down the anger track?
Obviously don’t really give real responsibilities to him( if he fails those), but just smile and chuckle. You know the truth.

Bye if this is a work situation start documenting and CCing everyone on your work. Don’t smile and laugh, go to the mat on that Bs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me a little bit of some folks I know who are "toppers," in that they always have done everything better or more interesting than everyone else in the group. Those people are super exhausting, but always shut up once you call them out on it.

Not sure how the dynamic is playing out with your kid and driving a wedge, though. We are a family of 3 and so we are super careful about trying not to form bonds with 1 parent and kid against the other parent. This tends to happen with my son and I unintentionally because we are very similar, personality-wise, and my husband can easily feel left out if I'm not careful.

Oh, like that Kristen Wiig character on SNL? I can picture that!

OP, my husband often tries to bring the conversation back to himself and his “contributions.” We’ve been together for decades, so I know it stems from his massive insecurities and (sometimes desperate) need for external validation, which manifests itself in him basically needing EVERYONE to like him, all the time. Me, I don’t have that issue (was raised with caring parents and loving extended family).

I have no advice. Just sympathy.

Sadly I agree. My H is the same way. He finally admitted he’s jealous at me and our children relationship, feeling left out. But it’s his own doing. He’s mean spirited and tries to manipulate into doing what he wants them to do but not taking into consideration what they like to do- and they picked up on it. Hold him at arms length.

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me a little bit of some folks I know who are "toppers," in that they always have done everything better or more interesting than everyone else in the group. Those people are super exhausting, but always shut up once you call them out on it.

Not sure how the dynamic is playing out with your kid and driving a wedge, though. We are a family of 3 and so we are super careful about trying not to form bonds with 1 parent and kid against the other parent. This tends to happen with my son and I unintentionally because we are very similar, personality-wise, and my husband can easily feel left out if I'm not careful.

Yes, same idea/mentality. However done (whatever example), the mental equivalent of elbowing someone out of the way, such that the kids react negatively to the parent "elbowed".

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me a little bit of some folks I know who are "toppers," in that they always have done everything better or more interesting than everyone else in the group. Those people are super exhausting, but always shut up once you call them out on it.

Not sure how the dynamic is playing out with your kid and driving a wedge, though. We are a family of 3 and so we are super careful about trying not to form bonds with 1 parent and kid against the other parent. This tends to happen with my son and I unintentionally because we are very similar, personality-wise, and my husband can easily feel left out if I'm not careful.

Oh, like that Kristen Wiig character on SNL? I can picture that!

OP, my husband often tries to bring the conversation back to himself and his “contributions.” We’ve been together for decades, so I know it stems from his massive insecurities and (sometimes desperate) need for external validation, which manifests itself in him basically needing EVERYONE to like him, all the time. Me, I don’t have that issue (was raised with caring parents and loving extended family).

I have no advice. Just sympathy.