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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Adult child of a very, very well handled divorce here. Parents did joint custody, my brother and I grew up in two loving homes. I think divorce was the best choice for everyone involved - my parents are both happy, and have been for 30 years, and that's wonderful. Everyone got along, sat next to each other at school events, etc. I never felt like I was put in the middle, parents never said anything bad about each other, the stepparents who entered the picture were/are wonderful (and extra loving grandparents for my kids! Lucky!)

I wanted to weigh in on something I've seen mentioned here though, that I think is real - and that's the half time with the grandchildren.

I'm sure things were very, very difficult for my parents during the divorce and the immediate aftermath, though I was very little and have no memory of that. But certainly, by the time my memory kicks in, they were in a good groove, and had adjusted. And I feel like for my childhood and early adulthood, things were fairly easy for them, divorce wise. Again, we're talking best case scenario here, but they were happy, we had a good groove, we did the custody swap thing without any major issues, etc. They had worked out a fair division of holidays. Everything was pretty cool.

However - I think there was a newfound struggle that popped up as my brother and I established careers, got married, and especially, had children. We only have so many vacation days. There are only so many holidays. We only have so much budget for travel - but there are three sets of grandparents (now that we're both married). The bottom line is - my parents don't get nearly as much time with us as they would like, and not nearly as many holidays. I live far away. My in-laws live in yet another area of the country. There's just a major limit to how much time we can spend with each of my parents. And I think that can be really, really hard on them, especially my mom. My dad was never close with his parents, so when my mom and dad were married, they spent nearly every holiday with my mother's parents, and I think it's really hard for my mom to see herself get a third of the time with her adult children that her parents got. I think she can often feel rejected, or even like we're not close, or on particularly bad days, that we don't love her. When the reality is - we get 15 vacation days a year, live six states away, and the math just doesn't work out. We have even started doing some holidays with her and dad together, and I think that helps. But 30 years out from a healthy divorce - that's the part that still sucks. It's also the first time in my life that I've felt guilty or responsible for a reality of life that is, essentially, my parents fault for getting divorced (or at least, it's half their fault - I did move away). I'm 35, so I can deal, but it's there.  [/quote]

So true.  Even the best case scenario is hard.  And you are lucky your in-laws are married, otherwise you would have to split four ways.  It will be harder when they actually really need you, rather than just wanting to see you.  The worst part for me is toggling between simultaneous health crises.  The cliche is "children are resilient", it's not "children have unlimited time and money for caregiving".  And there is no Amicable Divorce Retirement Home where you get two separate apartments for the price of one.

I just try to remind myself that my parents chose this.  Even if they didn't realize at the time, they could have figured it out if they had given it any thought.[/quote]

Yes, so far parents are in perfect health, that will I'm sure add complications one day. And I want to be clear - I don't think it was a mistake for my parents to get divorced. I think they made the right call, and I had a very, very happy childhood and am a grounded, happy adult with great relationships with both. And I think in most cases, if you can't achieve a happy marriage, a happy divorces is significantly better than an unhappy marriage. But I bet if you asked them (particularly my mom) this is the hardest part.

My MIL has passed away, but yes, lucky my in-laws had stayed married. But on the other hand - husband is one of four, and FIL, us, and the three siblings all live in different states! So there's definitely different challenges on that side. [/quote]

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