Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 21:23     Subject: S/o worst thing about divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Financial damage

Kids being really angry and upset (don't count on "resilience")

Losing half your time with your grandchildren, forever

Kids having a harder time caring for you and your ex separately when you are really old

Ex having more kids with new wife and ignoring your kids and not being able to afford his share of your kids' costs

Unhelpful help from in-laws is really not that bad compared to how bad these things can get.


This list is only some people’s experience. Mine is not like this.

1. There is some financial loss. It is not massive damage. I worked the entire marriage. The loss there is is worth it.
2. I could care less if I have grandchildren or not. I do not like holidays. He can have them.
3. Kids are fine. There is adjustment. There are worse things than divorce (my childhood was much much worse with married parents with serious issues)
4. My ex nor I are not remarrying. No need. In our 40s.
5. We never had help from in laws. We do not like each other’s family. Divorce is fantastic in this regard. I no longer have to see them. Yay!


That sounds miserable.


1. That's what divorced people tell themselves. Being a child of divorce is a lifelong state and problems can arise later even if you believe the kids are fine now.

4. Not yet, you mean.


PP here.

1. My kids are financially set. The divorce did not impact them at all. They have an extra house. They still have too much. No setback for them.
4. I will never remarry. There is a 1% chance my ex will. Highly unlikely. IF it ever happens, kids will be almost or fully adults. No interest in marriage for either me or my ex. It is not something either of us ever want to do again.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 21:16     Subject: Re:S/o worst thing about divorce
Anonymous wrote:
This list is only some people’s experience. Mine is not like this.

1. There is some financial loss. It is not massive damage. I worked the entire marriage. The loss there is is worth it.
2. I could care less if I have grandchildren or not. I do not like holidays. He can have them.
3. Kids are fine. There is adjustment. There are worse things than divorce (my childhood was much much worse with married parents with serious issues)
4. My ex nor I are not remarrying. No need. In our 40s.
5. We never had help from in laws. We do not like each other’s family. Divorce is fantastic in this regard. I no longer have to see them. Yay!
[Report Post]


I am always puzzled by statements like this. Do you mean that you and ex agreed that neither of you would remarry? Or is this your assumption? I've read statements like this before on dcum and I wonder about it. Two people can't agree to stay married, but will agree not to marry others? 40's is still pretty young. What about the preferences of your ex's future partner? Or yours?


Why are you confused? Neither of us see the point of remarriage. Highly unlikely either of us would ever do it. Probable boyfriend/girlfriend in the future but neither of us want to cohabitate or remarry. No legal or financial entanglements. No other family entanglements. No thanks. He and I feel the same on this issue.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 21:09     Subject: S/o worst thing about divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Financial damage

Kids being really angry and upset (don't count on "resilience")

Losing half your time with your grandchildren, forever

Kids having a harder time caring for you and your ex separately when you are really old

Ex having more kids with new wife and ignoring your kids and not being able to afford his share of your kids' costs

Unhelpful help from in-laws is really not that bad compared to how bad these things can get.


This list is only some people’s experience. Mine is not like this.

1. There is some financial loss. It is not massive damage. I worked the entire marriage. The loss there is is worth it.
2. I could care less if I have grandchildren or not. I do not like holidays. He can have them.
3. Kids are fine. There is adjustment. There are worse things than divorce (my childhood was much much worse with married parents with serious issues)
4. My ex nor I are not remarrying. No need. In our 40s.
5. We never had help from in laws. We do not like each other’s family. Divorce is fantastic in this regard. I no longer have to see them. Yay!


That sounds miserable.


This is my divorce. It is a lot happier than my marriage. I do not appreciate your comment.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 11:01     Subject: Re:S/o worst thing about divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Adult child of a very, very well handled divorce here. Parents did joint custody, my brother and I grew up in two loving homes. I think divorce was the best choice for everyone involved - my parents are both happy, and have been for 30 years, and that's wonderful. Everyone got along, sat next to each other at school events, etc. I never felt like I was put in the middle, parents never said anything bad about each other, the stepparents who entered the picture were/are wonderful (and extra loving grandparents for my kids! Lucky!)

I wanted to weigh in on something I've seen mentioned here though, that I think is real - and that's the half time with the grandchildren.

I'm sure things were very, very difficult for my parents during the divorce and the immediate aftermath, though I was very little and have no memory of that. But certainly, by the time my memory kicks in, they were in a good groove, and had adjusted. And I feel like for my childhood and early adulthood, things were fairly easy for them, divorce wise. Again, we're talking best case scenario here, but they were happy, we had a good groove, we did the custody swap thing without any major issues, etc. They had worked out a fair division of holidays. Everything was pretty cool.

However - I think there was a newfound struggle that popped up as my brother and I established careers, got married, and especially, had children. We only have so many vacation days. There are only so many holidays. We only have so much budget for travel - but there are three sets of grandparents (now that we're both married). The bottom line is - my parents don't get nearly as much time with us as they would like, and not nearly as many holidays. I live far away. My in-laws live in yet another area of the country. There's just a major limit to how much time we can spend with each of my parents. And I think that can be really, really hard on them, especially my mom. My dad was never close with his parents, so when my mom and dad were married, they spent nearly every holiday with my mother's parents, and I think it's really hard for my mom to see herself get a third of the time with her adult children that her parents got. I think she can often feel rejected, or even like we're not close, or on particularly bad days, that we don't love her. When the reality is - we get 15 vacation days a year, live six states away, and the math just doesn't work out. We have even started doing some holidays with her and dad together, and I think that helps. But 30 years out from a healthy divorce - that's the part that still sucks. It's also the first time in my life that I've felt guilty or responsible for a reality of life that is, essentially, my parents fault for getting divorced (or at least, it's half their fault - I did move away). I'm 35, so I can deal, but it's there.


So true. Even the best case scenario is hard. And you are lucky your in-laws are married, otherwise you would have to split four ways. It will be harder when they actually really need you, rather than just wanting to see you. The worst part for me is toggling between simultaneous health crises. The cliche is "children are resilient", it's not "children have unlimited time and money for caregiving". And there is no Amicable Divorce Retirement Home where you get two separate apartments for the price of one.

I just try to remind myself that my parents chose this. Even if they didn't realize at the time, they could have figured it out if they had given it any thought.


Yes, so far parents are in perfect health, that will I'm sure add complications one day. And I want to be clear - I don't think it was a mistake for my parents to get divorced. I think they made the right call, and I had a very, very happy childhood and am a grounded, happy adult with great relationships with both. And I think in most cases, if you can't achieve a happy marriage, a happy divorces is significantly better than an unhappy marriage. But I bet if you asked them (particularly my mom) this is the hardest part.

My MIL has passed away, but yes, lucky my in-laws had stayed married. But on the other hand - husband is one of four, and FIL, us, and the three siblings all live in different states! So there's definitely different challenges on that side.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 10:56     Subject: S/o worst thing about divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Only getting 1/4 time/holidays/vacations with grandchildren instead of 1/2.


Honest question- why not move to the same city as your kid(s)? Then you can see your grandkids all the time.


I'm the child of healthy divorce PP answering this question for my parents - first of all, my brother and I live in different cities (he still lives by them). Second of all, most of my parents still work. They also have full lives/friends/home where they are.

I would say, I'm guessing my parents don't have this issue with my brother, as they are all fairly close together (within an hour or so drive) and his in-laws are close too. So they see each other a lot more. It's really an issue with me. So moving would just make it an issue with my brother instead.

It's not as clearcut as it seems - there is no easy one sentence answer here.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 10:55     Subject: Re:S/o worst thing about divorce
Anonymous wrote:Adult child of a very, very well handled divorce here. Parents did joint custody, my brother and I grew up in two loving homes. I think divorce was the best choice for everyone involved - my parents are both happy, and have been for 30 years, and that's wonderful. Everyone got along, sat next to each other at school events, etc. I never felt like I was put in the middle, parents never said anything bad about each other, the stepparents who entered the picture were/are wonderful (and extra loving grandparents for my kids! Lucky!)

I wanted to weigh in on something I've seen mentioned here though, that I think is real - and that's the half time with the grandchildren.

I'm sure things were very, very difficult for my parents during the divorce and the immediate aftermath, though I was very little and have no memory of that. But certainly, by the time my memory kicks in, they were in a good groove, and had adjusted. And I feel like for my childhood and early adulthood, things were fairly easy for them, divorce wise. Again, we're talking best case scenario here, but they were happy, we had a good groove, we did the custody swap thing without any major issues, etc. They had worked out a fair division of holidays. Everything was pretty cool.

However - I think there was a newfound struggle that popped up as my brother and I established careers, got married, and especially, had children. We only have so many vacation days. There are only so many holidays. We only have so much budget for travel - but there are three sets of grandparents (now that we're both married). The bottom line is - my parents don't get nearly as much time with us as they would like, and not nearly as many holidays. I live far away. My in-laws live in yet another area of the country. There's just a major limit to how much time we can spend with each of my parents. And I think that can be really, really hard on them, especially my mom. My dad was never close with his parents, so when my mom and dad were married, they spent nearly every holiday with my mother's parents, and I think it's really hard for my mom to see herself get a third of the time with her adult children that her parents got. I think she can often feel rejected, or even like we're not close, or on particularly bad days, that we don't love her. When the reality is - we get 15 vacation days a year, live six states away, and the math just doesn't work out. We have even started doing some holidays with her and dad together, and I think that helps. But 30 years out from a healthy divorce - that's the part that still sucks. It's also the first time in my life that I've felt guilty or responsible for a reality of life that is, essentially, my parents fault for getting divorced (or at least, it's half their fault - I did move away). I'm 35, so I can deal, but it's there.


So true. Even the best case scenario is hard. And you are lucky your in-laws are married, otherwise you would have to split four ways. It will be harder when they actually really need you, rather than just wanting to see you. The worst part for me is toggling between simultaneous health crises. The cliche is "children are resilient", it's not "children have unlimited time and money for caregiving". And there is no Amicable Divorce Retirement Home where you get two separate apartments for the price of one.

I just try to remind myself that my parents chose this. Even if they didn't realize at the time, they could have figured it out if they had given it any thought.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 10:51     Subject: Re:S/o worst thing about divorce
Adult child of a very, very well handled divorce here. Parents did joint custody, my brother and I grew up in two loving homes. I think divorce was the best choice for everyone involved - my parents are both happy, and have been for 30 years, and that's wonderful. Everyone got along, sat next to each other at school events, etc. I never felt like I was put in the middle, parents never said anything bad about each other, the stepparents who entered the picture were/are wonderful (and extra loving grandparents for my kids! Lucky!)

I wanted to weigh in on something I've seen mentioned here though, that I think is real - and that's the half time with the grandchildren.

I'm sure things were very, very difficult for my parents during the divorce and the immediate aftermath, though I was very little and have no memory of that. But certainly, by the time my memory kicks in, they were in a good groove, and had adjusted. And I feel like for my childhood and early adulthood, things were fairly easy for them, divorce wise. Again, we're talking best case scenario here, but they were happy, we had a good groove, we did the custody swap thing without any major issues, etc. They had worked out a fair division of holidays. Everything was pretty cool.

However - I think there was a newfound struggle that popped up as my brother and I established careers, got married, and especially, had children. We only have so many vacation days. There are only so many holidays. We only have so much budget for travel - but there are three sets of grandparents (now that we're both married). The bottom line is - my parents don't get nearly as much time with us as they would like, and not nearly as many holidays. I live far away. My in-laws live in yet another area of the country. There's just a major limit to how much time we can spend with each of my parents. And I think that can be really, really hard on them, especially my mom. My dad was never close with his parents, so when my mom and dad were married, they spent nearly every holiday with my mother's parents, and I think it's really hard for my mom to see herself get a third of the time with her adult children that her parents got. I think she can often feel rejected, or even like we're not close, or on particularly bad days, that we don't love her. When the reality is - we get 15 vacation days a year, live six states away, and the math just doesn't work out. We have even started doing some holidays with her and dad together, and I think that helps. But 30 years out from a healthy divorce - that's the part that still sucks. It's also the first time in my life that I've felt guilty or responsible for a reality of life that is, essentially, my parents fault for getting divorced (or at least, it's half their fault - I did move away). I'm 35, so I can deal, but it's there.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 10:44     Subject: S/o worst thing about divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Probably not at the top of most people's lists, but divorce means I failed at one of life's most important decisions. Sure, plenty of people divorce, spouses change, yada yada yada, but that doesn't erase the fact. What did Nora Ephron say? Marriages are temporary but divorce is forever.


Yeah, this. It means you made a major mistake. And now your kids are going to pay for your mistake, even though they are innocent.


Are you advocating subjecting them to the other mistake of a bad marriage forever? Because that is worse.


No. The kids pay either way if you can't, or don't, fix the marriage. Sorry but nothing is as good as an actually happy marriage. It may be out of your control but it's still true.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 10:43     Subject: Re:S/o worst thing about divorce
This list is only some people’s experience. Mine is not like this.

1. There is some financial loss. It is not massive damage. I worked the entire marriage. The loss there is is worth it.
2. I could care less if I have grandchildren or not. I do not like holidays. He can have them.
3. Kids are fine. There is adjustment. There are worse things than divorce (my childhood was much much worse with married parents with serious issues)
4. My ex nor I are not remarrying. No need. In our 40s.
5. We never had help from in laws. We do not like each other’s family. Divorce is fantastic in this regard. I no longer have to see them. Yay!
[Report Post]


I am always puzzled by statements like this. Do you mean that you and ex agreed that neither of you would remarry? Or is this your assumption? I've read statements like this before on dcum and I wonder about it. Two people can't agree to stay married, but will agree not to marry others? 40's is still pretty young. What about the preferences of your ex's future partner? Or yours?
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 10:36     Subject: S/o worst thing about divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Probably not at the top of most people's lists, but divorce means I failed at one of life's most important decisions. Sure, plenty of people divorce, spouses change, yada yada yada, but that doesn't erase the fact. What did Nora Ephron say? Marriages are temporary but divorce is forever.


Yeah, this. It means you made a major mistake. And now your kids are going to pay for your mistake, even though they are innocent.


Are you advocating subjecting them to the other mistake of a bad marriage forever? Because that is worse.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 10:34     Subject: S/o worst thing about divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Financial damage

Kids being really angry and upset (don't count on "resilience")

Losing half your time with your grandchildren, forever

Kids having a harder time caring for you and your ex separately when you are really old

Ex having more kids with new wife and ignoring your kids and not being able to afford his share of your kids' costs

Unhelpful help from in-laws is really not that bad compared to how bad these things can get.


This list is only some people’s experience. Mine is not like this.

1. There is some financial loss. It is not massive damage. I worked the entire marriage. The loss there is is worth it.
2. I could care less if I have grandchildren or not. I do not like holidays. He can have them.
3. Kids are fine. There is adjustment. There are worse things than divorce (my childhood was much much worse with married parents with serious issues)
4. My ex nor I are not remarrying. No need. In our 40s.
5. We never had help from in laws. We do not like each other’s family. Divorce is fantastic in this regard. I no longer have to see them. Yay!


That sounds miserable.


1. That's what divorced people tell themselves. Being a child of divorce is a lifelong state and problems can arise later even if you believe the kids are fine now.

4. Not yet, you mean.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 10:29     Subject: S/o worst thing about divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Financial damage

Kids being really angry and upset (don't count on "resilience")

Losing half your time with your grandchildren, forever

Kids having a harder time caring for you and your ex separately when you are really old

Ex having more kids with new wife and ignoring your kids and not being able to afford his share of your kids' costs

Unhelpful help from in-laws is really not that bad compared to how bad these things can get.


This list is only some people’s experience. Mine is not like this.

1. There is some financial loss. It is not massive damage. I worked the entire marriage. The loss there is is worth it.
2. I could care less if I have grandchildren or not. I do not like holidays. He can have them.
3. Kids are fine. There is adjustment. There are worse things than divorce (my childhood was much much worse with married parents with serious issues)
4. My ex nor I are not remarrying. No need. In our 40s.
5. We never had help from in laws. We do not like each other’s family. Divorce is fantastic in this regard. I no longer have to see them. Yay!


That sounds miserable.


NP.

Compared to living with a person who doesn't love or respect you? Who makes life miserable for you and the kids?

No one is saying divorce is the ideal. People divorce after realizing life is already miserable. Maybe they have a cheating spouse, addicted spouse, chronically unemployed, or unmanaged illness. Trust that when a person divorces they are leaving the more miserable life. Of course people do not want to lose half their HHI, or every other weekend with their kids, but when you are in an awful, miserable marriage, divorce becomes the good path.

If you can't relate, well then be blessed and move on. Our lives are not miserable.

Be nice.


The OP wasn't asking whether divorce is worth it. OP asked what the hardest part was, and her proposed answer was rather naive, so people are telling her. Nobody is saying you should stay married if it's really that bad a marriage. But people should go into divorce with their eyes wide open and be mentally and financially prepared to handle the potentially difficult parts.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 10:27     Subject: S/o worst thing about divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Only getting 1/4 time/holidays/vacations with grandchildren instead of 1/2.


Honest question- why not move to the same city as your kid(s)? Then you can see your grandkids all the time.
Kids do not always live near each other when they are adults. How do you choose which grandchildren to be near?


Because however much you see them, it's less than you would if their time didn't have to be divided between grandparents. And because some people care about actual holidays on the actual day. I don't, personally, but my parents totally do, and they didn't really think about that when they divorced.

The hardest part for me as an ACOD is when my parents both truly need my help but I can't be in two places at once.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 09:09     Subject: S/o worst thing about divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Financial damage

Kids being really angry and upset (don't count on "resilience")

Losing half your time with your grandchildren, forever

Kids having a harder time caring for you and your ex separately when you are really old

Ex having more kids with new wife and ignoring your kids and not being able to afford his share of your kids' costs

Unhelpful help from in-laws is really not that bad compared to how bad these things can get.


This list is only some people’s experience. Mine is not like this.

1. There is some financial loss. It is not massive damage. I worked the entire marriage. The loss there is is worth it.
2. I could care less if I have grandchildren or not. I do not like holidays. He can have them.
3. Kids are fine. There is adjustment. There are worse things than divorce (my childhood was much much worse with married parents with serious issues)
4. My ex nor I are not remarrying. No need. In our 40s.
5. We never had help from in laws. We do not like each other’s family. Divorce is fantastic in this regard. I no longer have to see them. Yay!


That sounds miserable.


NP.

Compared to living with a person who doesn't love or respect you? Who makes life miserable for you and the kids?

No one is saying divorce is the ideal. People divorce after realizing life is already miserable. Maybe they have a cheating spouse, addicted spouse, chronically unemployed, or unmanaged illness. Trust that when a person divorces they are leaving the more miserable life. Of course people do not want to lose half their HHI, or every other weekend with their kids, but when you are in an awful, miserable marriage, divorce becomes the good path.

If you can't relate, well then be blessed and move on. Our lives are not miserable.

Be nice.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 08:47     Subject: S/o worst thing about divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Financial damage

Kids being really angry and upset (don't count on "resilience")

Losing half your time with your grandchildren, forever

Kids having a harder time caring for you and your ex separately when you are really old

Ex having more kids with new wife and ignoring your kids and not being able to afford his share of your kids' costs

Unhelpful help from in-laws is really not that bad compared to how bad these things can get.


This list is only some people’s experience. Mine is not like this.

1. There is some financial loss. It is not massive damage. I worked the entire marriage. The loss there is is worth it.
2. I could care less if I have grandchildren or not. I do not like holidays. He can have them.
3. Kids are fine. There is adjustment. There are worse things than divorce (my childhood was much much worse with married parents with serious issues)
4. My ex nor I are not remarrying. No need. In our 40s.
5. We never had help from in laws. We do not like each other’s family. Divorce is fantastic in this regard. I no longer have to see them. Yay!


That sounds miserable.