Anonymous
Post 03/30/2021 08:33     Subject: Re:Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
Anonymous wrote: OP here- btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time. I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/ and figure out what to do.
I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids,
- they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care?
I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker.


I can't believe you need this spelled out.

Because, OP, you moved your MIL to you, and they are 12 hours away. You, and your husband, took on that responsibility. ANnot that things aren;t going as you planned, you expect your BIL to frequently fly to you and stay in a hotel?

You had work demands and three kids when you chose to move your MIL to you. You have absolutely no right to be pissed at your BIL because the plan isn't working out the way you thought it would.

In any event, in 3 weeks your MIL will be in a facility, and things will get easier. You can do anything for 3 weeks - suck it up.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2021 06:48     Subject: Re:Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
OP, you need a therapist. In the middle of all the stress, it’s hard to feel anything but “pissed off.” But your husband is going through a lot too! What you’re feeling is the loss of his presence in your own family, the sadness and scariness of his mom’s situation, resentment that your DH became the sibling with primary “custody” (there’s always one). Those are real and valid emotions but they are not “pissed off” and if you come at your husband with that, with all that he’s going through, that would be a pretty rough approach to a person you love.

The therapist can help you figure out how to sort through and prioritize your emotions for when you talk to your DH about this next phase.

Trust me, many (most?) people have been through at least one elder care situation like this and it is absolutely horrific. It’s very hard to find help, everyone suffers, and it is bleak and relentless and traumatic. But there’s no way out of it. And your kids are learning important lessons about service to others, sacrifice, and planning for end of life.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2021 06:36     Subject: Re:Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
Anonymous wrote: OP here- btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time. I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/ and figure out what to do.
I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids,
- they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care?
I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker.


OP, as I mentioned upthread, do you assume that BIL and his wife are not doing anything useful with their time now that they're retired? They may have hobbies and interests, they may do volunteering in their community, they may work on their house and garden now that they have the time. They may just be enjoying themselves. That's what retirement is for. A lot of retired people I know have a busier life than when they were working!

Are BIL's wife's parents still alive? Are they providing care for them?

You don't get to dictate when BIL and wife visit and how often. Stop trying to control other people's behaviour. It's exhausting! I know from experience! I was in your shoes years ago, in a similar situation. I tried to get members of my family to help me. It didn't work. Asking politely didn't work and asking more forcefully didn't work either. They were spending their free time on 'fun' things instead. I got so stressed out by it all and I lost more than a stone. I felt very let down and lonely.

Perhaps your BIL assumes that you are happy having his mother live with you. After all it was your DH who decided to move her.

A memory care facility would be the best place for your MIL.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2021 03:04     Subject: Re:Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
OP here- btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time. I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/ and figure out what to do.
I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids,
- they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care?
I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 18:40     Subject: Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
Anonymous wrote:Memory care units are like prison


Not always - I worked in a good one. Definitely take a tour, if possible. In truth, comments like this can be unhelpful, because sometimes there’s just no other choice - it is immensely difficult to care for someone with dementia at home, especially if you are still working and have your own family to take care of, but really no matter what your circumstances...even if you have lots of help. By the time families brought their loved one to memory care, they had been through so much and had tried so hard. It would be cruel to make them feel guilty or like bad caregivers.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 16:44     Subject: Re:Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Some of the posts in this thread are sickening. The selfishness and lack of regard for elders so widespread in our culture - American culture - is a sign of why we are so sick as a country. You women are setting a very clear example for your own kids, so no crying when you feel neglected or abandoned in YOUR old age/infirmity.


A person with severe dementia and no mobility needs 24 hour care and special accommodations for getting around, bathing, etc. OP and her husband have demanding jobs and young children. Just what do you suggest they do, with your helpful comment?


You “women”? Why are you assuming all the posters are women? Freudian slip there. Women alone are not responsible for elder care.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 16:42     Subject: Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your kid’s dance tryouts are not more important than your husband trying to figure out how to care for a parent with dementia. Get your perspective straight.

My parents both have dementia and their agency absolutely send the same people. We have twenty four seven care and a six person team that rotates. This is private pay, not insurance.


Actually no. It's usually the people who do nothing and are backseat drivers who say this sort of thing to guilt trip. The younger generation comes first. You find a residential facility, you visit often. You don't rob your kids of a parent to provide endless care for someone who did not plan. I have found those who were actually there for their parents are more likely to go into independent living themselves at a continued care place because they understand how life draining it can be for adult children and they have sometimes even seen there own friends die before the elderly parents from the strain. If I had a dollar for every story of an adult child who developed cancer or some other serious illness while dealing with the endless needs of their parents and parental duties. Your health and the well-being of your children MATTER and take precedence. Anyone who insists an elderly parent comes before an innocent child who has not lead a complete lifecycle or a middle aged adult who needs to stay alive for those children has their priorities wrong.


Very American mindset. OP, does your MIL have any assets that your husband stands to inherit? That makes all the difference. BIL is smart to not bother at all if their mom is destitute. There also could be history of abuse/neglect that you don't know about.


Agree it’s an American mind-set, but in all fairness I think it’s a result of American parenting styles years ago (Boomers). I think we’ll see a shift in a few decades.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 10:43     Subject: Re:Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
Anonymous wrote:Some of the posts in this thread are sickening. The selfishness and lack of regard for elders so widespread in our culture - American culture - is a sign of why we are so sick as a country. You women are setting a very clear example for your own kids, so no crying when you feel neglected or abandoned in YOUR old age/infirmity.


A person with severe dementia and no mobility needs 24 hour care and special accommodations for getting around, bathing, etc. OP and her husband have demanding jobs and young children. Just what do you suggest they do, with your helpful comment?
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 10:40     Subject: Re:Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
Anonymous wrote:Some of the posts in this thread are sickening. The selfishness and lack of regard for elders so widespread in our culture - American culture - is a sign of why we are so sick as a country. You women are setting a very clear example for your own kids, so no crying when you feel neglected or abandoned in YOUR old age/infirmity.

Nice misogynistic touch, there buddy! The problem in the US is not lack of love for elders, but the geographic makeup and work culture of this country. People in the US don't typically live in close proximity to their family. In many other parts of the world, families live within walking distance to each other in the same city, town, or village. The communities are more tightly knit, and all people in the community (not just the children) look out for the elders. Elders are also more incorporated into the daily workings of families -- they may not work, but they may still cook meals, babysit, or just sit on the front stoop gossiping with neighbors. These things are unavailable to americans who live in typical car-dependent communities and whose families may live 12 hours away.

OP, you are doing the best you can in a tough situation.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 09:37     Subject: Re:Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
Anonymous wrote:Some of the posts in this thread are sickening. The selfishness and lack of regard for elders so widespread in our culture - American culture - is a sign of why we are so sick as a country. You women are setting a very clear example for your own kids, so no crying when you feel neglected or abandoned in YOUR old age/infirmity.


I don't have kids so I will have to organise my own eldercare.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 09:27     Subject: Re:Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
Some of the posts in this thread are sickening. The selfishness and lack of regard for elders so widespread in our culture - American culture - is a sign of why we are so sick as a country. You women are setting a very clear example for your own kids, so no crying when you feel neglected or abandoned in YOUR old age/infirmity.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 09:15     Subject: Re:Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here- to get conversation back on track- money is ok. She was a teacher so middle class had savings and has enough for assisted living- as mentioned, we thought she was in good health dec 1 when we brought her to stay with us— just all her rides and activities ended with covid isolating her. We had no idea how bad she was and maybe a year isolated with covid led to downfall?.
Point is we had plan to move her into senior living near us- it was wonderful complex with lots of activities— under construction ready in May— this “in between” period has been eye opener and now we are figuring Out daily this situation.
BIL is good guy - no abuse - nothing weird- he and his wife just retired and are building house 2 states away. I don’t think my husband has put down his foot to say ( or maybe he doesn’t agree) that they need to come stay in hotel every other month and help us. They call her daily and they physically moved her stuff up her but then went back to their life. I feel like they are retired and should help more. They are posting pics skiing with their kids- going on walks, enjoying life and I’m about to get divorced and lose my marbles! It’s really like having an adult special needs child - and we had no idea how to handle. We take her to doc for something every few weeks- she doesn’t eat or bath- she has gotten very difficult- we weren’t prepared for this -I’m just mad they don’t come here and physically help us. It makes me resent my husband. I feel horrible about that.


New poster here. My mom has dementia (she is only 72) and i have written about her a lot here.

Honestly, from what you have said, I don't think your mom belongs in assisted living. I think she needs to be in a memory care unit. Does the facility you've chosen for her offer that?


This. Also, OP it is not your place or your brothers to put a foot down and tell someone to more. They just have different boundaries than you do. If your marriage is on edge then clearly the plan isn't working. You don't get to blame your inlaws. Clearly the mom needs residential and I agree with PP do memory care. I went the martyr route of doing backflips to help my parent with Alzheimers and the reward is resentment and health issues. You don't do in your family and neglect spouse and kids for an elderly parent who hopefully would never want that to happen. Do you think she wants the family to go to war over her care? That is what will happen if you try to insist siblings do more than they are willing to do. Work on finding her the right residential and visit often. It is not your place to dictate how often the other inlaws visit. You figure out what your family can handle and don't try to control or manipulate others. It is not their fault that your husband has decided to take on so much.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 09:09     Subject: Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
Anonymous wrote:Memory care units are like prison


Memory care was the best thing to happen to my FIL and for as long as he could participate in the activities he loved them. Your statement is inflammatory. The "prison" aspect you refer to is the locked part for those who wander away. They are the folks who would be wandering their neighborhood and would possibly die of things like hypothermia if not found in time. It is much better to be in a memory care that is locked than alone at home locked up with an aide in isolation from peers. People get special locks for their homes when they have a wanderer so their home would be just as much of a prison, but with a burned out spouse or adult child, an aide and no peers around. I can tell you even when my FIL seemed completely gone, just being around people made him smile. Your family cannot be your only life. They need to be around others too.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 08:53     Subject: Re:Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
Anonymous wrote:OP here- to get conversation back on track- money is ok. She was a teacher so middle class had savings and has enough for assisted living- as mentioned, we thought she was in good health dec 1 when we brought her to stay with us— just all her rides and activities ended with covid isolating her. We had no idea how bad she was and maybe a year isolated with covid led to downfall?.
Point is we had plan to move her into senior living near us- it was wonderful complex with lots of activities— under construction ready in May— this “in between” period has been eye opener and now we are figuring Out daily this situation.
BIL is good guy - no abuse - nothing weird- he and his wife just retired and are building house 2 states away. I don’t think my husband has put down his foot to say ( or maybe he doesn’t agree) that they need to come stay in hotel every other month and help us. They call her daily and they physically moved her stuff up her but then went back to their life. I feel like they are retired and should help more. They are posting pics skiing with their kids- going on walks, enjoying life and I’m about to get divorced and lose my marbles! It’s really like having an adult special needs child - and we had no idea how to handle. We take her to doc for something every few weeks- she doesn’t eat or bath- she has gotten very difficult- we weren’t prepared for this -I’m just mad they don’t come here and physically help us. It makes me resent my husband. I feel horrible about that.


OP, was your MIL's condition not monitored and reported on to DH and his brother (by the home health aides or their employer) when MIL was still living independently? It sounds like you've only just found out how bad her condition is.

As your BIL and his wife are retired and you and your DH are still working, why didn't MIL move closer to BIL?

Why would you expect your BIL and his wife, who live 12 hours away and are meant to be enjoying their retirement, to come and help often? Do you assume, just because they're no longer working, that they don't have anything else going on in their lives? Some retired people I know have busier lives than when they were working!
It's a bit like expecting your childfree co-workers to stay late and work overtime because 'they don't have much else to do' when they get home compared to people with kids.

A facility for elderly people with dementia is what your MIL needs, either near you or near BIL.
You are full of anger and frustration, but you are angry at the wrong people.
Anonymous
Post 03/29/2021 02:40     Subject: Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law
Memory care units are like prison